36 years old pregnant with 5th child so torn what to do

[ooo000ooo]

Ive recently found out i am pregnant with my 5th child at 36 years old. I have 2 girls aged 17 and 18 and 2 boys aged 5 and 8. I am more than done and thought we had taken enough precautions whilst waiting to get an appointment to be sterilised so this has come as a massive shock. Going by my menstrual cycle I would be 6 weeks and 3 days.
I made an appointment and received the kit through the post to have a medical abortion at home. Im so torn what to do. In my head I know financially and physically I would struggle and we are already tight for space living in a small 3 bed home. My eldest son takes up a lot of my time with his autism, me and my partner dont live together and I wouldn't want to change that anytime soon as we are both happy having our own space with our children (he has 3 himself) but i know ill need extra support for the first few weeks if i did go ahead so im not sure how that would work . Then theres feeling like an old mum, my youngest would be starting secondary school as I'm back on the nursery runs, there would be a 19 year gap between my eldest and the baby.
I feel like i would be taking time away from the younger 2. Also worried about the comments and judgements from others which I know i shouldn't be . I almost feel ashamed and I dont know why.
On the other hand my heart can't bare the thought of having a termination. I'm so scared i'll be full of deep regret after and hate myself , that I might see it once its passed and be haunted by that image forever . I know my sons and youngest daughter would love a baby brother or sister, I know i would love it and do my best by it as i have done with my others. I'm just so scared I will not cope and of it changing the family dynamics so much that it has a negative impact on family life as it is. There's the fear of it having any kind of birth defect or problems that means I'd struggle even more. I'm also a twin and at that age now where the chances increase of having them myself which I know i couldn't cope with.
I've never been so conflicted in my life. I can't talk to anyone about it at home but my partner knows, he is very supportive of my decision either way although I get the hint he would lean more towards wanting to keep it by some of the things hes said. Ive been so sick everyday for the past 2 weeks and have to try carry on like everything's fine when the truth is im completely drained and struggling a lot emotionally and physically 😪 i need to make a decision quick it just seems impossible.
Sorry for the long post I just need to vent and maybe hear others that have been in a similar situation, what your decision was in the end and how you coped after.
Thank you to anyone that responds and can offer any words of wisdom, it is greatly appreciated x

Hi. I've recently found out I'm also pregnant with my 5th. My twins have just turned 1 and my other children are 3 and 7 so very young. I booked a termination but the closest appointment available was a 3 week wait. It's on Wednesday and I feel completely heartbroken that I've been with this growing fetus knowing what's to come. Logically, I know it will be the right thing for our family but my emotions are getting the better of me and I'm questioning it more and more. I just wanted to reach out and say I am in the same boat. It's a frightening time, I wish the start to the new year didn't have to be this way. I'm also convinced this pregnancy would result in a boy, with my oldest being the only current boy and he would love a brother, so I feel a sense of guilt there too. I'm hoping I'll find the appointment and decision easier on Wednesday. The risk of another set of twins is also playing on me.
Sending you love and here to chat x

Hello @ooo000ooo dear, I read your post a few days ago and was thinking it over and trying to imagine how it would feel to get the positive pregnancy test in your situation. What a horrible shock it must have been, and how hard it would be to think clearly while in panic mode. However, it sounds like you are pushing through the anxiety and looking at this from many angles. Thirty-six is not that old anymore to be having a baby, many mums who have put a lot of energy into their careers only start having children at that age. And since your youngest are five and eight, they are old enough to be a little more independent and do some household chores to be actually helpful (at least you'd only have one in nappies). I truly hope that "the reactions of other people" will not figure into your decision at all. They can judge all they want but you are the one who will have to live with the consequences of your choice. Plus we all know in a week they'll be talking about something else. It's good that your husband is not trying to make the decision all by himself and is open to another child if you decide you would like to go forward. I hope you'll update with how you're thinking, managing, and leaning. Don't take the pills unless you're 100% sure, as many women do and then wish they'd given themselves more time to consider everything. Hugs to you.