Don’t know what to do

[BeLovingReader]

Hello. I don’t know what I’m hoping to gain from this as I know I’m the only one who can decide what to do, but I can’t talk to anyone in real life so just want to talk it out.

My husband and I have 2 beautiful sons age 7 and 9. I initially wanted a 3rd (husband didn’t) until my youngest was about 4 then I decided the life we had was pretty perfect and the want for a third went away.

We foolishly had unprotected sex last month, we are always very careful but slipped up. Please don’t tell me how stupid we are because I already know ;(

Im now 8 days late for my period (always incredibly regular) and although I haven’t tested because im terrified to, I’m fairly sure I’m pregnant.

My husband and I have spoken and he thinks that if it turns out I am pregnant, we should terminate. He is very pragmatic and thinks we should prioritise the children that we already have, given neither of us wanted another baby at this stage. There’s no doubt that having another would impact on our existing children - we wouldn’t be able to afford so many nice things/days out/holidays any more and of course we ourselves as parents would be spread more thinly. I also think the age gap dynamic would be tricky to manage with my elder son being 10 by the time this baby would arrive.

Whilst I completely get all the points my husband raised, and so desperately want to prioritise the children we have, I don’t know how I would deal with a termination. I know that we can afford this baby in the sense of we have space for it, we could clothe and feed it and still live a reasonable life, but certainly things like holidays abroad/special trips like Disneyland would likely be out of reach. I just worry that after termination the guilt and the ‘what would have been’ will destroy me and I’m so worried I’ll end up resenting my husband and it’ll affect our relationship - whilst he has said he will support me whatever I choose, he’s made it very clear he thinks a termination would be the right choice for our family (and is booking in for the snip!!)

Does anyone have any experience/advice for me, it’s all I can think about and it’s eating me up inside :(

Hello @BeLovingReader, have you done a test yet? The not knowing is absolutely maddening.

It's good that you're listening to your heart right now. We mums often have a good idea of how an abortion would affect us. I would be a lot like you, thinking that guilt and regret would be constantly there. I hope your husband can understand that you would be the one who would be impacted the most if you decided to terminate. You've already carried two children, protected and nurtured them. It sounds like there is room in your heart and home for another. And although it wasn't planned right now, life rarely goes the way we planned it. But some of the most wonderful things in life happen when we take a risk. It could be that in a few years you couldn't imagine your family without this little one, planned or unplanned.

Your fears that you would feel resentful toward your husband if he pushes you into aborting are well founded. Many, many women experience those feelings, and then the relationship is never the same. I don't think most men understand how hard it is for women to put something like that behind them.

The odds are that even though another baby may put some limitations on what your family can do, you would both love this new baby as much as you love your two sons. And even though you weren't trying to conceive, if you are indeed pregnant now, you have every right to change your mind and say you are open to another child. Your husband is still welcome to get a vasectomy so that you know there will be no chance of this situation happening again. But maybe this will be a blessing in disguise. My little sister and I are seven years apart but she's my best friend. Hope to hear back from you with an update!

Hello and thanks for your reply, it’s good to hear back from somebody. I ordered tests from Amazon on New Year’s Day and they will arrive today so I’ll know either way later on, but I’m 99% sure I’m pregnant as I am now 12 days late.

I am still totally 50/50 torn on what I am feeling. I think about it ALL the time and it’s a proper head vs heart thing. My head knows that the right thing for our family would be to terminate - in order to protect the kind of life we can give to our boys now. They don’t need/want another sibling and whilst I know for sure they/we would love the baby, none of us actively want another.

Then when I think about the reality of terminating it makes me want to cry. I don’t know if I can do it and I’m so worried I’ll end up miserable. That being said, I know that if I continue the pregnancy my husband will be miserable - he is very much ‘at capacity’ with 2 and does get stressed about finances/ being the main breadwinner as it is. What would the stress of another baby do to him and our relationship?

It feels like either way our perfect family unit is doomed and I’m just so sad 😢

I have also been thinking about the practicalities - it’s not even about my boys missing out on the big stuff (like the holiday to Disneyland we had been planning which they would miss out on if we have this baby) - but the small things we take for granted. We all went to the cinema yesterday and today we are off to a trampoline park, we wouldn’t be able to do these things as a family anymore for a good few years. It just feels so unfair to take things like that away from them. I don’t know :(

I don’t know you but it reads like you may regret terminating. You sound like you are thinking a lot about this. It might help to talk to someone close to you.

Thanks for your reply. I think for sure I will regret terminating but will that regret go hand in hand with relief that I’ve done the best thing for our family? The problem is not knowing how it will affect me until it’s too late :(

Im worried that by continuing the pregnancy I’ll be throwing away my existing sons’ potential lifestyle and really, is that fair?

Hello @BeLovingReader, am I correct that you took the test and it is positive?
No one can really tell you what to do in this situation, you can only decide what you believe and what path going forward would bring you the most peace of mind and heart.

The way I see it though, I don't like framing it in terms of looking at how much the other children will get, like dividing up a pile of gifts. If that was the case, we should all stop at one child and give them the maximum amount of possessions, attention, and the like. I remember talking to an elderly man once, and I asked him what his favorite toy was when he was a boy all those decades ago. He didn't think long before replying, "My brother." I never forgot that, and his expression when he said it. No "thing" came to mind for him first when thinking about what brought him joy.

To me, the people in our lives are the most important. Some people say abortion is just ending a potential life, but to me it's more than that. So you really need to ask yourself how you see abortion, because as you will see in many posts on this forum, it's not a reset button that makes everything go back to how it was pre-pregnancy. To say that your children don't want or need another sibling is an assumption, as is to say it would affect your family negatively. Sure, it's a risk, but so are many of the best things in life.

I hope I don't sound judgmental, as I truly don't mean to. All I can say is that in the next few months you will make a tremendous decision, and I hope you consider it as carefully as you are able. You could end up regretting either decision. The pregnancy could be a blessing in disguise. Or you could end up wishing you'd put an end to it. I can say I know several families with "oops" babies who can't imagine life without them now. I hope you and your husband can discuss this honestly, and that together you'll find the best way through this.