Don't know how to tell husband I'm pregnant and want an abortion

[Saoirse22]

Just got a positive pregnancy test a few hours ago. I suspected it after I suddenly had two days of abdominal pain and upset bowels earlier this week, and I instantly knew I wanted an abortion if I get a positive test. I absolutely can't have a 3rd child. I had untypically late ovulation (D21) and I'm so angry at myself.

I don't know how to tell my husband. The thing is, he is not against abortions (despite of coming from a very religious family who is extremely anti-abortion). My fear is that this will emotionally crush him and he will blame himself. We've always talked about a possible 3rd sometime in the future, but always discuss that it's flat out impossible due to the way things are right now. It would be a complete financial ruin for us and there's zero chance that can change anytime soon. I'm 35... It's time to accept it's too late and it will never happen for us. So husband is now on a vasectomy waitlist.

Our marriage is great and I'm afraid this will affect it. One of my previous childbirths was traumatic (obstetric violence) and resulted in C-PTSD and I developed tokophobia. I absolutely don't want to feel pregnancy, labour, push a baby out, take care of a baby. Our kids are 5 and 3 and both likely autistic. I myself was diagnosed autistic last year (late adult diagnosis). I immensely struggle to take care of our existing two children due to my sensory issues and the way I process the world. I also have certain long-term physical issues that make my body quite unhealthy and I'm working hard to improve my health.

Last September I went back to college to eventually pursue a change in career that would help us build a family business we've envisioned. The business is something that we believe will hugely benefit all our neurodivergencies. Me going to college requires huge sacrifices and my husband is working non-stop. A baby would mean putting an end to this all. It would plunge us into poverty. I have zero doubt my mental health would plummet and our existing children would be negatively affected due to me struggling.

The thing is, in 2023 I had a miscarriage, which was the best possible outcome at the time. I felt absolutely nothing about it and still feel nothing. If it wasn't a miscarriage, I would have had an abortion. My husband blamed himself and felt relief when it happened naturally. Hence my worry that he would be crushed about this abortion.

How do I frame things and start this conversation? I'm angry at myself. I'm angry for having unprotected sex, I'm angry at my body for falling pregnant with extreme ease, angry at our financial struggles, angry at my autism, I'm just angry. I just want this do be over within a few days so I can go on like nothing ever happened. At the same time, I'm angry at myself for being this cold b*tch. I have friends who grieve their miscarriages and abortions, and I feel nothing at all, just annoyance. I feel like a bad person for it, but I simply can't risk the wellbeing of my existing children and myself.

Can anyone identify with any of this? Any word of advice? Thanks in advance

I feel for you I really do. So, firstly you may benefit from counselling to process this all before / during / afterwards- whenever you wish. You seem very worried about your partners reaction. Could you sit down and try to talk about how you feel? This is just my experience but I feel men generally take this easier than the woman. It is the woman’s body etc etc.

it is your decision and your body. Don’t hate yourself for this and don’t hate your autism 😃 my girl is autistic and she is super duper amazing. Super special gift you have.

such a difficult time I know. Have you someone to speak to?

Oh gosh I could have written this. Got a surprise positive yesterday (on a ‘I’m just gonna check but no way it’ll be positive’ test).

definitely can’t have a 3rd, we are in agreement on that. It would financially devastate us nevermind the added complication of DHs chronic health condition that restricts his activity that he didn’t have when our kids were born. My mum helped a lot too and she can’t anymore due to her own health issues… adding to the financial situation.
my mental health has been awful, and im 2 months into a new job so would only qualify for SMP- a drop that we couldn’t absorb.

one minute I’m an emotional mess because I would love another but then rationally I know we can’t, it’s a terrible time for it, our family would suffer hugely.

im annoyed it’s taking so long to get an appointment with bpas. I’m upset that’s what is bothering me.

no advice, solidarity. You’re not a bad person, putting you and your children first is the right thing to do.
it’s also ok to need time or space to process.

@Clangershome Thank you so much! You were totally right, he did take this far easier than me. We had the conversation a few hours after I posted this and his main concern was me having to go through this. He was feeling bad for me potentially being in pain and suffering mentally. I'm not overly concerned about it tbh, I know the earlier it's done the better the chance of it being like a bad period, and the fact I had a rather painless miscarriage before is kinda encouraging.

There was no disagreement of any sort and we both reiterated that it's flat out impossible to have a third child now, financially, physically, emotionally.

I filled online form with BPAS right away and got a call the next morning. My appointment is on Christmas Eve.

I don't really have anyone to talk to right now, but I think I could talk to two friends after the New Year when we're back to college. I'd rather leave it for an in person talk. They're both autistic as well and very pro-choice, and understand the complicated overthinking I often do as an autistic woman.

Much love to your and your daughter xx

@CriticalOverthinking Oh dear, I'm so sorry you're in this situation as well. Sending massive hugs 🤗

It really sounds like a very similar situation to mine! It's good you're in agreement and love and support each other. We can all weather this storm. It turned out I had nothing to worry about, my husband's only reaction was concern for me potentially being in pain. We had a good conversation about where we're at financially and in life in general and how hard we're working on improving our predicament...

There's so much more I didn't even think of right away. Childcare issue - we only have one set of grandparents who are increasingly struggling and said they won't be able to help in the future. No money for childminders. Then there's the fact I need to do a very physical work placement this summer, after my 1st year... So pregnancy would completely destroy my entire college, both year one and two. I absolutely won't and can't do that.

Did you already contact BPAS? I did it right away and got a call back really quickly, yesterday morning. They had two appointments available, one in a week's time and one on Christmas Eve. It's not ideal, but I took the Christmas Eve one because I want this to be done as early as possible.

Love to you xx

I have my first call with them today, knew immediately I needed to ( after sending dh out to buy another test because I convinced myself the ones I had were faulty!). DH is taking the DC out for the afternoon so I can have the call in peace, he’s really supportive and definitely doesn’t want a 3rd- honestly afraid the stress would finish him off after 2 years of fairly horrific health.
I know in my head that it’s absolutely the right thing to do.

so pleased it’s gone well telling your DH @Saoirse22it definitely makes it more bearable having that support. Sending you virtual support- we can get through it.

How are you getting on op? X