Thought I wanted a second…

[Qwerty93]

But I actually don’t. Find out I was pregnant this week with a second. And haven’t been happy but just depressed. My little girl is my world, she’s four. And I’m looking forward to it very much being a family of three.

I have no desire for another child- just would be for her as she’s older … and then I think that’s pointless. I’ll miss out on so many ‘us’ moments. For a sibling she might not even want when older….

has anyone had a similar scenario?

Hi @Qwerty93 , I think it's common to feel sudden anxiety and doubt when a person is pregnant. I don't think having more than one child diminishes the moments you have with them, it creates more shared moments. And it doesn't mean you can't have planned one-on-one time with your children. There are nice things about having only one child. But there are also many good things about having more. My little sister is my best friend. There's something so unique about having that many shared memories. The shows and movies we watched together, the memories of holidays and trips, and having each other for support during the hard times in life. My father died two years ago and my mother just had treatment for cancer, and it's so helpful that we have been able to share taking care of their needs. I think you'd love the second child just as much as the first. I don't know how many weeks along you are, but I hope you'll give yourself time to really think about this, and not make a quick decision based on feelings that could change in a week or two. Have you told your partner, and how do they feel about another child?

Hi, I’m still early. Coming up to 5 weeks next week.

I think it’s these shared memories that unnerve me… I just can’t imagine them as they currently are in my head solely just as memories with her and us, rather than shared with a sibling. And I want it with just us.

what you have said tho is all so so so true. Especially with the older stuff. When you remember these memories with your sister do you remember your parents in them too with just as fond memories. Or just your sister?
what is the age gap?

so sorry to hear you’re ordeal with your parents . Xx

Hey. Yes I’ve had exactly this situation to be honest except with a 3rd. Tried, fell pregnant and thought I’d ruined my kids’ lives. I’m not saying it’s what’s happened with you but I have since been told I would have been diagnosed with psychosis at the time (for me I thought my kids would die so it was unbelievably extreme) it ramped up to that though from an intense anxiety to start and I became acutely suicidal. For me termination was the right choice despite it taking a while for me to now be able to say that. It saved my life and it protected my existing and very real earth-side children. I was just over 5 weeks. That said - the aftermath was hard! Hormones can have such an impact on how you think and feel, my mindset was so alien to me afterwards and I still struggle to accept that was an illness that i couldn’t control. For me I had treatment and now have my lovely 3rd child. She’s absolutely amazing and her siblings adore her, best decision we ever made and to be honest the timing etc is probably right now when in hindsight it wasn’t before. Everything is just right with her

This probably seems terribly unhelpful. I guess what I’m saying is, it completely ok to make that decision either way. Neither is easy in the slightest though and you need to be prepared for that. I have and still sometimes struggle with what happened but I do know it was right and I am grateful for the beautiful life I now have because I was afforded that healthcare which was life saving treatment for me. I often wonder if someone could have pointed out to me at the time how much of an impact my mental health was having whether I could have realised and ‘snapped out of it’ for me I was let down by the nhs and didn’t get that help sadly and I doubt they could have broken me out of the state I was in anyway as it felt so real. Take your time, don’t let panic rein, perhaps ask for some counselling, help with anxieties and make a decision based on those conversations and conversations with your loved ones. GP may be the first port of call and if they aren’t helpful push for a second opinion. Don’t tackle this in a silo - make sure you’re speaking to loved ones. You’ll need them either way. Know that either way is ok.

Are you feeling any different as a couple of days have passed? You sound like a great mother, I truely believe this only happens to the good ones who hold their children so dear ❤️

Hi @Qwerty93, I actually have two younger sisters. One is four years younger than me, the other is seven years younger. The youngest is the one I'm closest to now, though we all got along well as children. I have plenty of memories with my parents! Some are just with them, such as my mum teaching me to crochet, or my dad taking me fishing. Some are family activities such as decorating the Christmas tree all together, or spending the night in a tent with my dad and sisters (in our backyard!) just for fun. Both my sisters enjoyed computer games and we would sit together and play them, or watch our favorite cartoons after school. These sorts of activities are not ones that I would have expected my mum or dad to do with me, and while they would have been fun on my own or with a friend, it was nice having siblings there with me. The relationship I had with my sisters never diminished my relationship with my parents.

A close friend of mine has four sons, and started a little ritual where each one of them had one day of the week that was their chance to spend one-on-one time with her. They got thirty minutes, and the child got to pick what they did together. Sometimes they wanted to play a game, or bake biscuits, or watch a video, or just talk. They are grown now, but she says that having that time made so many nice memories and made each child feel special.

I hope you'll be able to find your best path forward, for this year and all the years ahead.