Help unplanned pregnancy 40

[Anon404]

I am 40 and pregnant with my first baby. I’ve never really felt the need or want to have children. I sometimes think this might be due to not having ever met the right person to have children with or my own parents separating when I was younger. I feel like my partner is not the right person. He has 3 other kids maybe sees them 1-2 times per month Friday to Sunday. I don’t think hes a good dad and I try to steer him into doing more with them and saying we should do this do that but it never happens. I have had enough of being the one to plan everything. He doesn’t communicate with his ex, only via text I feel like if we stay together and have the baby that we will be in a similar situation in the near future and I will be a single mum.

He moved in with me a few months ago.
I have lived alone for 10 years in my own home. I have struggled lately with him moving in and his kids staying. My house is small, they all have to share a small double bedroom. I feel I’m getting no support from him, if I’m not getting it now will I if we have a baby? The baby’s bedroom would need to be in the small double so his kids would no longer be able to stay, or all sleep downstairs? - I feel bad about this. We can’t afford a bigger house if I’m on maternity. I earn more money, he has no savings so wouldn’t be able to contribute to moving. I would need to rely on the money from selling my house for a move.

When I first found out I was shocked, surprised, was I happy? I’m anything but happy now. The last 6-8 weeks have been hard. The thought of living like this for another 6 months really scares me. I have been to the termination clinic 3 times, I’m a mess, they gave me a 2 week sick note last week which I have now just started using so I can have time to think. I’m running out of time. I’m not sleeping. I started seeing a counsellor. It’s my 12 week next week. I have been wishing for a miscarriage.

I’m sorry you are feeling like this. The only thing I can say is don’t think about the man you are with. Obviously this is very hard. But, think about if you want a baby. Have you got family to speak to or a friend? You can even speak to the GP or midwife if you book an appointment. Your local council will have someone you can speak to for advice also.

Hey, 42 expecting my first. I lost the man, rather than the baby. I've my own house, good job and family support...so somehow..I'm going to make this work by myself (yes some will think im mad, but im no spring chicken so I see this as my only chance to be a mum, which I hadnt really thought about until now). I know it'll be hard, but hey its the decision I made as I don't think this will ever happen again for me...it's been such a spontaneous fluke and our fertility isnt great over 40 so I figured its meant to be. There's no right or wrong decision...I got some free counseling also before making my decision. I too remember thinking well if nature decides for me with a miscarriage then I'd not need to worry. My pregnancy continued and every scan I went to made my decision harder, like hearing the heartbeat etc and getting good results back from the NIPT test...also finding out gender. In the end I just couldn't end it.. the man was my biggest negative reason not to continue and I just removed him from equation and searched my soul deep for what 'I' wanted.. and it wasn't him. Everyone's different though and we all have different pros and cons for either decision.

I've always been totally pro choice, but just really struggled with myself in the situation.

I hope you come to the best decision for you (and not him) as it's you who has to live with either outcome. Goodluck and be kind to yourself no matter what. It's really tough, I know that having gone through it all very recently! Plus early preg is pretty grim.

Take care

Yes I have been talking to close family, haven’t been able to bring myself to discuss this with any friends. Family all say to do what is best for me. I have had a couple of sessions with a counsellor also and spoke to the nurses at the clinic. I didn’t/dont really want a baby but here I am. I pretty much feel 50/50 at this point

Thank you for this response. You’re not mad, you just know what you want and are prepared to do it. Be proud of yourself.

I do also think this might be the last chance for this to happen to me but I feel like I am also ok with that. I never saw myself having kids or wanted them, maybe that’s why I am also having so many doubts right now.

People keep saying to do what is right for me. I honestly think the best thing for me right now is to terminate. Whether I do or not is the question

Hi OP sorry you are in this situation. I am also 40 and found out yesterday that I am pregnant. We already have 2 children aged 5 and 2 and this has come as a complete shock. I am also thinking that a termination is the best thing for our family. Even though I know its the right thing to do its still so hard. i think I am about 6 weeka and haven

sorry hadn’t finished message. I haven’t managed to get hold of anyone from the clinic today so i have no idea how long the whole process takes. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do

@Lonestar1988 please please think this true very deeply . It's extremely painful and traumatic experience to go through. Sit with it for a while and think about it . I wish women knew more about life after a termination 🩷

How are you doing, @Anon404? I agree with everyone saying that having the baby and staying with this man are two completely different questions. It sounds like maybe he moved in too soon. Did he pressure you at all to allow him and his children to live with you? Even if he didn't, it sounds like you're not happy with his parenting and this could be indicative of his character.

I went into marriage feeling like it would be nice to have a child, but that if we turned out to be infertile, I would be okay with it and still enjoy life. We wanted to put off having a baby until we could be in a better position financially, but I got pregnant much sooner than we planned to. I spent my pregnancy feeling "resigned," a little excited but feeling very sorry for myself and how our plans had been derailed. I decided to be old fashioned and not find out the sex of the baby so it would be a surprise. After a difficult labor and eventual c-section, they laid my baby next to me and I looked into her face for the firs time. I can't explain how in an instant my whole world changed. As I held my daughter, I felt like I had never known love like this. I knew I had been silly having a pity party for myself. I would do anything to protect and nurture this tiny person. Nothing prepared me for it. She just turned 24 and we are so close, she has been the light of me and my husband's lives. Of course I can only speak for myself, and not everyone has the resources to make a surprise pregnancy work. But there are far too many women on the boards here who deal with daily grief and regret, wishing they could go back in time and make a different choice, to have their baby. This choice sounds really hard for you, since it's with a man that you may or may not stay with, and sounds like he might not be counted on for help. But whatever you choose, this decision will change your life in a major way. I hope you can see through all the issues swirling around your heart and head, and find your best way forward. All my best to you.

Thankyou @SilverScales
I am keeping the baby. We had a chat about how I was feeling about everything. I am now allowing myself to be happy and excited and I am wondering why I put myself through so much turmoil. Feeling good about everything now but I know it will be hard and still some hurdles to jump

Let me wish you a huge CONGRATULATIONS, @Anon404 , thank you so much for the update. You may be on the older side for a first child, but that also means you have more wisdom and life lessons, which is a huge advantage. I hope your partner is excited as well, and being supportive of you. I think that once you are holding your baby in your arms, all your doubts will be so far away. I really believe that an exciting new chapter of your life is about to begin. I'll be praying for a healthy baby and that your family will all be in love with the new family member. I'm very happy for you!

@Anon404 welcome to the over 40 mum club! Congrats