What to do... Thoughts would be welcome

[somuchtothinkabout11]

I'm writing this here because I need to put down my thoughts but it isn't something I feel I can discuss with family/friends (apart from my husband) as it is such an emotive subject and I feel I need outside thoughts. I realise ultimately it is our decision but it isn't something I have been through before.
Will try to stay brief!!

I'm just 41, had mirena removed in January, it was due to be swapped and knowing age isn't on my side we thought better to get back to normal having had one for 10+ years. Been regular cycle wise since. I would say we haven't had a lot of sex this year (v busy) so definitely not tried very hard but not prevented and not tracked anything. Found out i am 5 weeks having done a test following late period. Would be due very early July. Definitely a shock!

My husband is a farmer and I run my own business. Both our families live within 10 mins. We have been looking to relocate to around 250 miles away to a bigger farm for quite some time with various sales and purchases falling through. It really really isn't easy to do this! Literally 2 days before i found out we exchanged on the sale of our farm and home with a delayed completion, likely to be May/June next year (delayed due to purchasers needing to get planning permission/various things). We had been/i think we are still hoping to buy a very large block of land with no house/buildings on it to build a farm on. We are going to have to commit to this in the next week or so. We can build farm buildings quite easily but will have to live in temporary accommodation (mobile home type thing) for a couple of years due to how the planning works. Now of course this is just a nightmare - literally we don't know where we will be at the time of a baby being born and what accommodation we would have and to be honest won't know that for a while. We will have to be on the land as we have cows that calve all year round and also have to prove the need to be there for the planning. We know people in the area but clearly have no support network etc there.

We also need to pack up to move. Massive task, this means 2 houses (ours and husbands grandparents who also live here), A LOT of buildings, barns and workshops full of years worth of stuff, machinery, tools etc, over 100 cows, sheep, horses etc etc - definitely a mammoth task.

Now right now i feel fine, but as I say I've never done this before, this my well change! I can fully intend to be able to do everything right up to the last minute but i don't how realistic that is. Yes, we can get help moving but there is a lot of sorting and organising that can only be us. This (the move) is meant to be such an exciting time something we have aimed for for so long, the moving and clearing bit being the bit I'd excel at and love doing, then the settling and organising at the other end. It will be complete chaos, exhausting but we would do it. However, the pregnancy feels like a real spanner in the works.

We also have the industry my business is in going through major legislative changes which will come in over the next 6 months and change most of the way we do things ( I was massively panicking about work but actually feel l can control that more) and the normal farm life things like lambing just after Christmas which is usually entirely my thing but I won't be able to have anything to do with due to the risk of being near pregnant sheep.

If someone said to me the above was what the next 8/9 months of their life looked like and they had just got pregnant I'd think they were ma and should be sensible. A huge part of me thinks this too.

However, there is also the part of me that thinks, how lucky we are to have conceived naturally at my age, so far so good (obviously that could change at any point as it is early and I've not even been to a doctor yet) and we may never get this chance again.

BUT we also might and wouldn't it be more sensible to end this pregnancy, get this incredibly stressful time over, know where we are going to be living, get moved to there etc and then really start trying?

My husband says "he'll manage" if i can't help with the move/lambing/calving and we'll manage wherever we end up which I'm sure is true but the task ahead is huge, as is a pregnancy. I'm not sure the two go together very well!

I'm sorry this is so long, I would just really appreciate thoughts and opinions. I wish I had a crystal ball so knew that my fertility was good (or not) as I know the chances of conceiving again are lower due to my age but no idea how my body personally stands. I'm also guessing I can't have this checked whilst pregnant!

Thank you x

Hey! Only you can really know what to do and whatever you decide is totally legitimate. It’s a choice that we shouldn’t feel bad about, especially when you’re such an early gestation. However, and this is a really big however with age etc in mind - plenty of people fall pregnant in their 40s but you need to be 100% ok with the fact that you might never conceive again. Try and take a look as well and decide whether the “problems” are real problems which they might well be or whether they’re anxieties. Finding out you’re pregnant can be very anxiety inducing!

Hello, conceived at 41 recently also, about to meet a mini me imminently at 42. I, too, have no other children. I agonised for weeks in the early weeks, for very different reasons, my partner left me and wanted me to end the pregnancy. In the end, I was happy to just lose him. Part of my decision making involved my age also... the pregnancy was such a fluke, so spontaneous, a miracle in many ways. I was sure I was perimenopausal, but also had PCOS my whole life, a big fibroid, and had never once even had a pregnancy scare!

I remember thinking, do I take this opportunity and have my baby?, or do I potentially say goodbye to ever having kids? (baring in mind I was now single). The fact is our eggs at this age are actually mostly abnormal, with just the occasional "golden egg" and that's IF you've no other known fertility issues. Fertility also drops quite a bit at 43, if not before for some women. So yes, it might be possible to conceive again, buy whether you want to take that risk, only you can decide.

The other thing is....there's genuinely never a right time to have kids...and no one ever feels fully ready! It's such a big change of life. I know it's going to be hard, but equally I lived my life childfree for many many years, and didn't think this was a possibility. I did everything I wanted to do and actually feel now is a good time for me, as I've no FOMO or other achievements to plan.

I will say, early pregnancy makes your head spin...it causes huge shifts in hormones and makes us a bit crazy tbh. We don't always think clearly or rationally.

I got counselling with a family choice type service begore making my decision and it was good. She got me to look into the future and describe how life might be if I go ahead with pregnancy, and then again what future would look like if I didn't proceed. I had to think of all the pros and cons of either decision. In the end, I couldn't terminate as I just knew emotionally I'd not cope as I just wasn't 50% or more sure that I didn't want it, and I felt that I would have regret. It was him, it was all negative purely because of him. So I then dug really deep to see what 'I' wanted and what was best for me. Plus my pregnancy continued into 2nd trimester and so I thought well...nature was also deciding for me.

I know your situ is totally different but just know you aren't alone. The fact you've a supportive partner is great; however, it has to be about what you want and whether you feel the obstacles are are significant deal breakers or not. You'll come to the best decision for you and there's no right or wrong.

Good luck and be kind to yourself. Take some time and don't rush. If you continue and the pregnancy continues, it's worth considering the early tests you can do, like the NIPT blood test (no risk to mum or baby) from 10wks. It screens for the major chromosomal issues and reveals gender. I got it done due to my age and glad I did.

@somuchtothinkabout11 You have gotten good advice from the other two who responded, but I agree, you should treat this as your one and only chance to have a child. And nothing can prepare you for how much you will love your baby. I was so unprepared for the rush of love I would feel when I first held my daughter and looked into her eyes. Suddenly the sacrifices and challenges are all worth it. This sounds like a true miracle baby and if the pregnancy does continue, perhaps it was meant to be. A farm sounds like such a rich place to raise a child. If you decide to move forward, I hope that you never once regret that decision. Sometimes the best things in life are not what we planned, at least that's very true for me. Hope you get a good, certain feeling in your heart soon, whatever you choose.

Have you got children already? It sounds like you can outsource and pay people to help you for a lot of it. Do you want a baby? Does your Dh?