Conflicting emotions in pregnancy

[Name390]

Hi,

I am 9 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child with my partner of 18 months. I have 2 children aged 10&8 from a previous relationship and we all live together in a small 3 bed terraced house which I raised my boys in. We rent, paying £1,250pm excl bills. My partner teaches and I work term time only 26hours per week.

My partner always made it clear that he wants a child/children of his own one day and I thought I would be happy having more. Ever since finding out that I am pregnant I have an overwhelming fear that this is not a good idea.
I am petrified at starting again. The loneliness of having a baby, the financial impact when we already don’t have much money, returning to work after and figuring out childcare (no family to help), the impact on my existing children, my body, losing my identity. Everything. I feel like I’m losing it. What doesn’t help is the extreme nausea which doesn’t stop.

My partner has said he is finding it hard to be excited because of me and my mood. He doesn’t feel I’m at all excited and he’s worried that I was more excited when I found out I was pregnant with my older children. He is correct. I think the first two pregnancies ignorance was bliss, I was very young, I had it in my head that I would have children first then accomplish life after (I am not at all any more accomplished professionally than I was pre children which I regret, hugely) and generally a more “what could go wrong” attitude. I’m older now and I am sadly less optimistic. The cost of living gets me down often and the fact that I was better off financially when I was a single parent.

I do not know what on earth to do. Will this get better as the pregnancy goes on? Do I completely shatter his heart and get a termination which will then result in a broken relationship? What if I then regret that decision years on?

I haven’t told family or friends yet so no one to talk to about this.

TIA

Hello @Name390 , I'm sorry that you're not feeling excited for this new baby. It sounds like it was a planned pregnancy? If that's so, then you must have been pretty sure that there was room in your family, house, and budget for another child. Feelings change from day to day, week to week, so it's hard to make important decisions based on them. If your partner has been clear since the beginning that he wanted to have a baby, and you decide to abort this child, I think it may be the end of your relationship. It would be pretty clear that you don't want any more children and that sounds like a priority to him, so you may not be compatible.

Having a baby can be lonely, but it can also be wonderful. The snuggles, the feelings of love and protection you have for this tiny person. You have a very supportive partner so hopefully he would help out and spend time with the baby to give you breaks. I have a feeling that if you continue and have this baby, you'll feel like you can't imagine your family without him or her.

The possibility of feeling extreme regret and grief after terminating a pregnancy is a real risk as well, not something to be taken lightly. If you were in your early twenties when you had your first baby, you're in your early thirties now which is still a great time to have another. You have so much more wisdom and experience from raising the first two. I'm sorry about the nausea, have you talked to a doctor to see if there's anything they can prescribe for you? I'll be praying for you, to get some clarity on the situation and to be at peace.

Wanted to post this link as well in case it could help you:
https://pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/

@Name390 did you fall pregnant sooner than expected? Or was it a surprise and something you had discussed previously?

Your reasons are valid and I can understand the money factor. Your rent alone is eye watering. You have already got 2 DC so you have a better idea than your partner. You need to ask yourself if you split up could you mange with 3 DC by yourself? Long term does your partner still want to be with you if you don't have anymore? Its a tough situation 💐