To grieve the loss of a pregnancy I chose to terminate - TW.

[Worzel9]

I had a medical termination 2 years ago this month. Our DD had just turned 1, I was deep in post natal depression, pretending everything was ok and refusing help. I was taking my pill, I had sex with DH once. I fell pregnant, and had a breakdown. I couldn’t have that baby and survived, or at least not the way I was carrying on.

I got help after that, I’ve been on AD’s for coming on 2 years now and life is so different. We are happy, DD is thriving. We’ve decided not to have another, probably after the trauma of that termination and the circumstances around it that we’ve not really ever delved into.

Baby loss awareness week comes around and dredges up all of those feelings that I’ve buried so deeply. If I had got help, I could’ve had that baby. I panicked, and thought I was doing the right thing. I wonder what they would be, what DD would be like with a sibling. I think about them around the date I would’ve been due. DH just supported me in whatever I chose. Anyway.. is it normal… or allowed to grieve even though it’s what I chose. We didn’t tell anybody, and every year around this time since I see poems of little lives that never came to be, and I hate myself.

Bleugh - brain dump. Sorry.

Of course you’re allowed to grieve! I had a similar situation except with a planned pregnancy. I couldn’t have survived, I now know it was likely psychosis and I begged for help but nowhere could help me or at least not in a timeline which would have resulted in me living. We survived for ourselves and for our existing children - being someone’s Mum is a pretty massive deal and we can’t take risks with that. A loss through ill health is just as valid. We didn’t choose mental illness (ugh I know it’s a me problem but I hate saying that, I think like me you possibly feel you don’t identify with that so therefore at times don’t give it the same weight you would a physical illness which I think we both know is wrong) Hormones are no joke. It’s the illness that stopped you getting the help.

That soul that was given back to the universe wouldn’t want you to hate yourself. It wasn’t meant to be