Age 47 and pregnant

[Star73]

Thought it was perimenopause. It's actually pregnancy. I'm 6 weeks and 4 days. I have 1 DD age 8. We tried for 3 years to have a 2nd child. I had 7 miscarriages. 1 was treated as positive for Downs. I literally the last few months decided I'm happy with our triangle family and our only child. I've got rid of all the baby stuff. I've let go of that dream.

Now I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do. I'm scared of having a child with disabilities. My husband will be 51 when baby is born. He would be 69 when baby turns 18. We're fit and healthy but I had a cancer scare last year. I'm scared we're just too old even for the best case scenario of a healthy normal baby....

Not quite sure what I'm looking for..... Success stories from other people?? Cautionary tales from others? Just keep spinning round in my own head. Scared of having a child with disabilities at my age, daunted even by a healthy child! But also not sure I can terminate a healthy child. But I'm so convinced that the chances of a healthy child are about 1%.... Feeling overwhelmed.

I've booked a scan for Thursday.

Scared that if I see a heartbeat I won't be able to get rid of it.....

You can get NIPT blood test at 10wks to help inform decision making if theres any chromosomal issues. I got it, I'm 42, test show no concerns and all normal scans.

I am in a similar boat (been deliberating abortion) although different circumstances.
From reading your post, I would advise getting an NIPT blood test which is available from 10 weeks, to rule out any issues.
I had an early scan last week and to be honest, terminating now would feel harder than if I hadn't had it. The scanning lady was excitedly showing me everything, gave me pictures, encouraged me to video the screen etc.
I couldn't possibly advise you, but one thing that comes out from your post is that it wasn't that long ago that you were desperately trying for another, so maybe its a case of getting used to the idea again. Also early pregnancy hormones can make you feel more anxious than you would at a later time in the pregnancy. Good luck with your decision.

Hi BeRedBiscuit, thank you, yes I'll definitely get this, I think I'd pay private just to get the result early(they do offer or on NHS but I think you have to have the normal scan first, then wait for result, then wait to get booked in for NIPT...?)

Hi HereWeGoAgain40

Thanks for your message, sorry you are also struggling with this awful decision... Yes I think the same with the scan, that it'll be so hard to decide for a termination if there's a strong heartbeat.... I considered just getting a pill early on, because if I'm going to terminate then I should just do it sooner rather than later.... But I haven't, so I guess that tells me something about how I feel about it..... I think because I had 7 miscarriages and had loads of testing and essentially the outcome was that my eggs were too old... And I'm now 4 years older than the last miscarriage! 🙈 So I just feel like this can't be a healthy baby. But also taking the decision to terminate is so difficult....

But yes, I think I might be scuppered if I see the scan. Maybe I should wait till 10 weeks for NIPT. I guess I'm almost hoping that if the baby isn't healthy then it will miscarry itself...?!? And if it is healthy then I guess we'll just have to cope with what that means for our lives!! I would be 65 when baby turns 18... My partner 68.... Feels insane.... 😭

@Star73 hi, no NIPT is not available on the NHS, I paid private, but very worth it for older ladies IMO....before 10wks I also had an early scan and heard heartbeat @ just before 8weeks, which def makes things harder but I wanted to ensure it was viable as there were concerns that it was maybe ectopic as I'd such intense cramping in the v early weeks. I also was of opinion that maybe nature would make the decision for me re: miscarriage (as my partner left me and my mind was in total turmoil, but I had no other kids and never thought it would be in my plan due to my age), so it was also a now or literally never situ for me...

Anyway, the baby stuck, all results and scans are good, as she obv wants to be here and will hopefully appear soon!

Ps please be aware that the NIPT reveals gender as it's screening fetal DNA. The gender is therefore undisputed...so I know it's a mini me

The consultant I went to said the results would be in the attached PDF and that if I wanted to know to open it...otherwise he would summarise the other results in body of his email, which he did... ultimately the temptation was too much so I opened to see gender.

Good luck

@BeRedBiscuit thanks for your reply. Thanks for all the info. Yes I would definitely want the NIPT scan, same as you. How many weeks are you?? Lots of good luck to you! It sounds like you're doing really well. And also you are only 42, I was 39.5 when I had my daughter, I'm easily the oldest mum but I have made so many lovely friends - my mum always used to say that having kids was a great leveller, irrespective of age or background, you're all dealing with sick in your hair and sleepless nights!!! 😂So you'll be amazing and you will absolutely love it. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to us.

I know that's weird saying all that and then considering termination of this pregnancy - I just am so scared of a child that is severely disabled, and what that would mean for my daughter's life! And also, 47 just feels soooo much older than 42!! If I was 42 I wouldn't blink an eyelid. I don't know, maybe it's just that it was so so painful for me to let go of the idea of a 2nd child, it took me soooo long to get rid of all the baby stuff, but I finally did it and I fully embraced the positives of having an only child (just to survive the pain), and I think that I have now achieved fake it till you make it and I'm genuinely happy with my little only!!!

AAARRGHGH!!!

I'm now wondering whether to bump the scan... but also, realistically, I don't think that I would have termination until I know all the results... in which case, I may as well have the early scan! And at least I will know if the baby isn't growing and can just get over it!

Thank you so so much for replying, I'm really grateful. I have talked to a couple of friends - they were both just excited for me! More excited than I am, that's for sure!

@Star73 No problem, I know none of this is easy,I remember my head being in such a spin for weeks. Im currently just under 32 weeks, eeek. Yea the NIPT is just a non invasive normal blood test, carries no risk to mum or baby, but if it detects anything of concern re: chromosomes, that's when you can then opt for more invasive tests such as amino at about 16wks. For me it was def worth it as I knew that results would inform my decision on whether to proceed or not.

I think now there's more and more mums over 40. Nearly all my friends are 'older mums' actually, but I do totally understand your thoughts and feelings. I will probably be one and complete myself, but things are always different once conception has already happened, making things much more complex. I def had alot of conflicted thoughts.

Def in our 40s there's a high chance that nature will decide for us before 12wks.

Take your time and hopefully you'll reach your decision. I was encouraged to try to be more than 50% one way or another and to think about what I'd regret most in a year, or a few years time.

@Star73 oh and I meant to say I'm pretty sure even if you are within the time frame for a medical abortion (pill) most places will insist on a scan first to ensure you are as far along as you say etc. So you'd be scanned anyway, so it might do no harm to get am early scan for your own decision making.

This is a good point! So I'd be in the same position anyway... I've got the scan today.....

Wow 32 weeks, that's amazing 💕 are you doing NCT? I made such lovely mum friends there, we are still really good friends 8 years on (it's expensive though!) otherwise just a good baby group can be good for meeting people....

I think I just need to take it 1 step at a time..... Scan today, so will see what happens with that.... Xx

@BeRedBiscuit , just been for the scan, there was a sac but not developed.... So that's nature decided for me. I'm so glad I went for the scan as I was already starting to think about baby names 🙈 I'm so glad that if it wasn't going to progress then it failed early on before I started to hope again. I feel disappointed but also so so glad that I don't have to make any awful decisions based on later scans......

Thank you so much for all your lovely support. Wishing you so much joy with your little bundle, you are going to love being a mum more than you ever could imagine. 💕

@Star73 aw, thank you, its def going to change my life but now that I'm this far along im def more positive about it all as its getting very real lol. No, I didnt go with NCT in the end, but I've booked 'happy parent happy baby' classes instead, same sort of thing but cheaper.

Ps thank you for the update. I'm so glad you went for scan today, I would have def gone myself and was thinking about how it went. It's given you clarity now, although I know even with that and a sense of relief it can still bring conflicted thoughts. Hormones just totally mess with us. Make sure to take time out now to engage in self care and relax, and then go spoil your little one :-)