16 weeks pregnant and found out he's a thief

[Noideawhat123]

Name changed because I'm so utterly disappointed and embarrassed by this.

I've been with my OH for a long time, and never in a million years would I have guessed he would've done anything like this.

Today we fell out. He's been acting off lately, very distant and just overall not himself. Very angry and aggressive, blows up at the smallest of things which he had never done before. He's usually a very calm person. He went missing for a while, he ditched the car an hour from home in the middle of a main road (with me in the passenger seat), and just ran. No reason, he just lept out and said "see you". I called, tried to run after him but I couldn't keep up. People everywhere and nobody was bothered at all. Phone had been turned off the whole time so none of us could contact him. I was genuinely concerned over his welfare and was so close to calling the police.

I've just been notified by someone that he'd been found stealing a bike and then attempted robbery on a car (not an expensive one but that doesn't matter). This was confirmed via ctv, so this is a BIG problem. He came home like nothing had happened, and when I confronted him he denied it and ran out again instantly. Obviously the police will be notified and I'm absolutely mortified, because this is just not like him at all. Very out of character.

And now I'm finding myself thinking, what will I do with two under 4 as a single parent? I do struggle massively already, and I really did rely on this man to help as he is a fantastic dad, even when he hasn't been acting himself he never seems to let it show in front of our toddler who dotes on him. Financially I'm worried too, and I'll also end up in a hostel/B&B situation if I leave (which I'll have no choice to once SS are involved, which they will be). I'm terrified. I have spent a long time trying to support him knowing he may be having a breakdown, but he would never admit it or seek help. Or maybe he's just over the relationship and isn't willing to admit it. I just don't know what's going on because he will not talk to me.

I have had a late term medical abortion (TTFMR) years ago, so I know how it goes, and it is in no way pleasant. I will never get over it. Spent 8 hours in labor knowing I'll be giving birth to a silent baby boy. It breaks my heart thinking about doing this again, but I feel it could be for the best in these circumstances, especially now I know what this man is like I just wouldn't want another child being dragged into this mess. It's like my whole world has turned upside down. This was a wanted baby, and I just don't know what to do for the best 💔 Please no harsh comments, I'm a very broken woman and my mind is a complete mess..

Oh my goodness, you poor thing. I can't imagine being abandoned in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, what is wrong with him? That, plus the sudden reports of theft, made me think he's either on drugs or a gambling addict who is desperate for money. Assuming you've been with him four or five years, behavior like that is baffling if he's been steady and reliable so far. It's a shame he is not talking to you about what's going on.

I'm not so sure in your case that abortion, especially at this stage of pregnancy, is going to make your life easier. I don't know if your partner's crimes are going to result in prison for him. There was a man who was caught going through unlocked cars on our street and stealing whatever valuables he could find. He woke someone up and was caught and got one year in prison. You might want to visit a pregnancy center to see if there is any financial aid that might be available to you if he is suddenly not able to help with money.

Part of me feels like the biggest tragedy would be if you aborted and then later decided that you could have made things work out with this baby. Maybe you could let the pregnancy continue as there are so many unknowns right now. Even if you don't stay with your partner, he's obligated to provide financial support for his children. A court might deem him unfit for parental duties due to his behavior. This is not something all women can do, but if when the baby is born, you are not in a place to take care of another, you might consider letting someone adopt your baby who can't have one of their own. You could talk to an adoption agency to learn more about it. It would be incredibly hard but maybe not as hard as aborting a fetus in the fourth or fifth month.

I'm so sorry that you put so much time and energy into a relationship only to be treated in this way. Sometimes there are no warning signs.

Thank you for your kind reply. We were together for 10 years, so it's going to be a very big change. I think perhaps I've jumped to termination out of panic, when it probably isn't the answer. I'm probably worried about my children being raised with no father in the picture, as it's something I went through and I found it difficult while growing up. I'm unsure whether drugs are involved, he never occurred to me to be the sort but after today it just goes to show that you never know. I have so much respect for those who are strong enough to put their babies up for adoption, but I don't think it's something I could go through myself. I've been struggling to bond with baby in this pregnancy, but I feel it's been down to how OH has been treating me recently. But we know he's another little boy, which makes me excited for toddler as he keeps going on about "brother in mummy's tummy". I have a midwife appointment on Tuesday, so will definitely express my feelings to her. But I definitely do need help in getting out and getting a life for myself, because I can't bare thinking if we stay we'd get caught up in his crimes, and I wouldn't want that for my boys. It's just making that first step which seems so scary

How did it go with the midwife? I think talking to as many people as you can (doctor, midwife, pregnancy center, church, government offices) is a good idea so you know what services and aid are available, if you qualify. Don't forget that there is always the chance that you will meet a good man, and remarry and your children could have a good stepfather as millions of children do. Single parenthood wouldn't necessarily be forever. And it's nice that your child is excited about having a younger sibling. It's not easy having two young children at the same time, but at least they would grow up together, having lots of shared experiences. Having a big gap in age can still work but bring about other challenges. If two is all you want to have, maybe you could look into some kind of more serious birth control. Maybe you can find another single mum willing to trade minding each other's children for a little time to yourself.

Have you heard anything from your partner? Or is he still distant?

She wasn't of much use to be honest, just told me to stay where I was if it was safe to. As otherwise I'd be classed as making myself deliberately homeless. I haven't heard from him, no. His phone has been off now for several days. I'm starting to think perhaps there's another family he's seeing (unlikely), or he's staying elsewhere. I'm only 27, so I wouldn't want permanent contraceptive, if that's what you mean. I'd love another in the future, if I ever do find the right person. If I did happen to meet someone, I'd hold off any physical acts until marriage, as I've always told myself if this relationship doesn't work out for whatever reason, that's what I'd do. And that's what I'm sticking to, so no worries about it happening again. This baby was very much wanted, we weren't trying, nor preventing as it took me several years to conceive our eldest. It was a case of whatever happened happened, and he was also happy with that. I never imagined I'd be left as a single parent, but I guess people do things you never thought they'd be capable of. I've never been much good at making friends. I've tried, but my communication skills are awful, and I always feel I'm being judged. Probably an autism thing, but it's made it difficult getting along with others, especially women for some reason. It's something I'm trying to work on

Wow, you've been with him since you were seventeen?? You two have been through so much together, that's so rare. I can't believe he's treating you like this after spending your entire adult lives as a couple. Can you talk to any of his family members to get help finding out what's going on? Do you think any of them would be willing to help you?

I agree that the one sure thing in life is that something you never thought you'd be dealing with will happen. It's more serious for some than others. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now but I hope your partner will contact you and have an honest talk. I'm sure he loves your toddler and wants to stay a part of the family. People make terrible choices sometimes and I hope this one will not define his path moving forward.

I wonder if there is any kind of a women's shelter that can take in you and your child while you get this figured out. Maybe you can call local services and find out.