Whats wrong with me!?

[Iminsuchamess]

I'm in such a mess. I have 3 children, aged 9,5 and 3. We relocated when my third was a newborn and my mental health suffered ever since, I've been all over the place. I've been desperate to have just one more baby, I don't know why as I'm so exhausted as it is but I can't seem to close the door on one more. I just love the early years and the baby phase so much and I love having a little one home on my days off.

Financially we can afford another and we have space, but we are by no means rich. My elder children would love another sibling. Anyway a year ago we decided to start trying, reluctantly, and I got pregnant immediately. I immediately regretted it but we lost it at 8 weeks.
So we waited a few months and decided to try again and I got pregnant quite quite quickly but again I had severe doubts. We said if we lost this one we would never try again, we lost it at 11 weeks in a horrendous miscarriage.
Anyway since then I was so upset that the door was closed I couldn't move on, so we agreed to try one last time and I'm now pregnant again.
But for the first time ever I'm considering termination. I'm 7+5 and have an early scan booked tomorrow.

I just feel I am done, done with all the emotions the stress, the tiredness, the nausea. I have nothing left. My older children are becoming more demanding in terms of hobbies and homework and I feel stretched. I don't want them to miss out on me. I feel selfish for trying for another and I'm worried about the baby having additional needs or health issues and our lives being turned upside down. My DH didn't really want a 4th but was happy to go ahead. He is also ok with terminating but he won't push me either way. He's an amazing dad but I can tell he's tired and stretched and secretly wishes it was over.

Will I regret it?? Is it just hormones? Anyone been through such a horrendous period of indecisiveness?
Please don't judge I know it's awful that I've planned this and still want an abortion. If I could click my fingers and it all be over I would.

see how you feel after your scan. I empathise. I have been here.

Thank you for responding. I'm so nervous for tomorrow. I've put my body through so much, why couldn't I just feel content and leave things be.

How did it go? How are you feeling?

Everything looked good at the scan, all developing as it should with a strong heartbeat. I feel horrendously guilty for my feelings. I've got an abortion telephone appointment booked for Monday but I don't think I could go through with it.

You’ll choose the best for you xx

@Iminsuchamess, I'm so sorry for the miscarriages you endured in the past year. I can't even imagine how much you've suffered. You may have been left feeling emotionally drained, like you've cried so many tears that now you feel dried up. As a mum of three, you know the lovely bits and the difficult bits about raising babies. I don't know if you breastfed, but to me that was one of the nicest things about having a baby (at least once it got going!). The soft baby head, baby noises and cuddles. Then there's all the nappies, dirty clothes, bags to be packed, crying in the night. You've been there! If you went through it three times but felt "desperate to have one more baby," I think that deep down this is a wanted baby. And terminating a wanted baby seems to be the hardest thing to deal with. At your third planned conception in a year or so, it's hard not to believe you do want this baby. It might be something of a compromise on your husband's part, but you say he's willing, and him working with you to conceive is something he could have steered you away from, especially after the miscarriages. But he's supportive of what you want and I think you're just doubting yourself as so many mums do.

Of course this is your decision whether to let this pregnancy go forward or put an end to it. I just fear you will end up as one of the mums starting a new post called "Abortion Regret" and wishing you could go back in time to change the choice you made. Every time it happens my heart breaks with sorrow for that person. Having another baby won't take your love away from your other children. It increases the love, it won't diminish it. Maybe the scan you got showing a healthy baby is a sign that things will be okay.

You titled your post "what's wrong with me?" and I think there's nothing wrong, you are just feeling overwhelmed, confused, and grieving for the miscarriages you suffered not long ago. We can make decisions based on feelings, but the thing about feelings is that they can change, sometimes from one week or month to the next. You're having feelings of worry and anxiety, but prior to that, you had feelings of intensely wanting another baby, and those feelings lasted for years. I hope you will be able to listen to the true longings of your heart, and find your way forward through this difficult time. Please update as I'll be thinking about you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this thoughtful post. It means a lot. Especially as I was worried I'd get criticism.

I breastfed each baby for nearly 2 years, that intense period with a baby is incredible and I think each time a baby grows beyond that phase I've felt a craving for another. It does mean I am very needed for at least 2 years and don't have much freedom. There is no doubt in my mind that this will be the last though. 4 is our absolute max in terms of finances and space and fortunately this baby is a singleton.

Ive got three boys and there has always been an inkling for a daughter, but that inkling seems to have gone. As my boys have grown up, I adore them all so much and they are so lovely together that I don't feel that need anymore at all. I think maybe I finally just feel done and complete and yet here I am pregnant again.
But my eldest and middle son really want another baby. My eldest in particular is very family orientated. He's 9 and he's always the first in the family to wake up. Yesterday morning he gently went in to wake the others as they were still sleeping at 9. He gets into bed with the little one and cuddles him till he wakes up, then he got them both up to come down to play a game.
I was lying in the other room quietly crying (awful morning sickness and tiredness and feeling so down) but it was heartwarming to hear them giggling and playing and planning their day. I think they would all adore a baby and the baby of the family will be nearly 4 so hopefully won't feel pushed out.

My biggest fear about having an abortion is regret and feeling like there is a ghost at the dinner table. I honestly feel sick at that thought. I'm very sentimental and emotional so I wouldn't be the practical type to abort and move on with my life. I worry about falling into a depression. At the moment my mood is so low. The lowest it's been in years. The hormones have poleaxed me.

I think you're right that if I've let this happen 3 times, there's obviously a strong part of me that wants this baby, which could resurface once it's gone.
On Saturday night I went to bed (I sleep next to my youngest at the moment) and my husband came in and quietly said "I want you to keep it' and it was the biggest relief. I think he's really thought about it, and although he probably wouldn't have chosen to have such a large family, he thinks it will work out ok and doesnt want to put me through an abortion.

So I cancelled my abortion consultation today and we will continue with the pregnancy.

Thank you for your beautiful message! I think you did the right thing by thinking out the most important factors and going deep down into your priorities over the last few years. It sounds like your sons are wonderful and will welcome a brother or a sister. And how nice to know your husband is fully on board. It really sounds like this baby was meant to be and I bet that once you're holding him or her in your arms, you'll be relieved that you didn't let anxiety take this from you. I truly hope that this pregnancy will carry to term and not end in another tragedy of miscarriage. I hope the sickness will pass soon and that you enter another exciting chapter in your family's history. Thanks again for the update, and enjoy the adventure ahead!