My Pro’s and Con’s list

[Orangebee3]

hi all, I am 10 weeks and completely on the fence. I’ve written my pro’s and con’s list below and have wayyyyy more in the cons/against reasons. I can’t decide whether I think the positives are bigger in and of themselves though…any thoughts very welcome!!!! 🙏🏻

For:

• I think I could be a good mum and everyone else says that too
• I love kids, they are fun and cute
• I have a strong maternal instinct and a lot of love to give
• I like the idea of a warm, safe, loving home with a family (I didn’t have this as a child)
• I’m scared of regretting a termination
• This could be my last chance to be a mum
• I believe that my partner is a good person and would try hard to do best by me and the baby
• I have a desire for unconditional love (both towards and from the baby)
• I am at the most stable point in my life I have ever been
• A part of me thinks this is meant to be
• I think I might feel there is something missing/missing purpose if I don’t have a child
• I’m worried a termination will change me negatively forever

Against

• Imagining not being pregnant makes me feel calmer
• I like being in control of my life, my finances, my freedom, my house, my time, my happiness, my body. Having control brings me peace.
• I am concerned about my mental health and wellbeing which has been very fragile since I found out I was pregnant
• Scared of post natal depression and not bonding with the baby
• I have only been with partner for 9 months and am not ready to commit to spending the rest of my life tied to him
• Partner already has 2 kids (50% of the time) and I’m not ready to live with them or be tied to them
• Partner is still married and going through a very stressful messy divorce. I have no idea how much longer this will take to resolve or how it will play out
• We don’t live together and I have a 1 bed house
• I don’t want to lose my work achievements that I have worked so hard for, my professional success gives me a huge sense of self/achievement
• I like the freedoms and time I have currently to spend with friends and family
• Scared of losing my independence. Being independent makes me feel good about myself
• My favourite thing about myself is my independence and resilience, I’m scared of losing this
• I haven’t been looking after myself or the fetus, poor diet, no exercise, nicotine
• I can’t stand how my body feels
• I don’t have a good gut feeling about my relationship with my partner as I’ve started to see issues (him not taking accountability, having a victim mentality)
• I feel like much of the work, thinking, planning, cleaning etc. would fall to me
• I think life would be hard if I continue with this pregnancy and I don’t want a hard life. I just want to be happy.
• I enjoy filling my life with friends, family, work, travel, reading, day trips, fun activities, self care, health and wellbeing and peace.
• Self care is really important to me. I enjoy working on myself and becoming the best version of me for me.
• Scared that the baby would have mental health or behavioural issues
• I like having disposable income
• I love travelling the world and want to do more. Which would be very hard with partner and 3 kids.
• I have been genuinely wishing and praying for a miscarriage
• I’m worried I will feel lonely and isolated
• I’m worried I will feel like I’ve settled with partner to have a baby
• Worried about feeling tired and stretched
• Worried I’ll be anxious about the child for the rest of my life
• Worried about financial situation

Hello, I’m massively going to SHOUT please look at your pro list and it is FULL OF LOVE.

that’s all you need. Take the leap.

I’ve commented before on your post and I really really really think you should carry on. Message me if you want.

All your fears are normal. Praying for a miscarriage in your situation could mean "I just don't want to have to make a choice, I want someone else to choose for me." But I agree with @Clangershome , it really does sound like you have so much love to give, and that you risk a lifetime of wondering "what could have been" if you abort this pregnancy.

Love is always a risk. We make ourselves vulnerable, we trust, we try our best. We know things could go wrong, but it's worth it, risking so much in the pursuit of love. And speaking from experience, nothing can prepare you for how much you will love your baby. It's like no love you've ever felt. You feel it shining out of every pore in your body. It washes over you like waves. It only deepens as the years go by. You would not trade it for all the money and holidays in the world. I don't mean to downplay your "cons" list, there are some tough logistical things to figure out on there, and parenting presents challenges. I too got pregnant way before I meant to, and I can only speak for myself - I am so thankful I trusted myself and had my baby. I will be praying for you, that you will be able to find your way through this.

I remember your other post, sorry to see you’re still in turmoil. As I advised in the other post you should stay in your house for now, baby won’t need its own room for a good while and your family and friends are where you are now. Your partner has his kids 50% of the time, that would be a lot for you to deal with if you lived together with a new baby. If I remember correctly you’re 37, definitely not too old to feel like this is your last chance.

Have you met his kids/ex wife, does his ex wife know about you? I ask because this seems to be a time of change for you all. Have you always wanted to be a mother, or did a life without children seem like one you could live with? I hope these questions give you some clarity. It’s not an easy choice to make.

thank you so much for your response (and for recognising me from my previous post!)

I always said I would be happy with or without kids. I think the sticking point is that, whilst I am curious and a little excited (as well as very scared) about the baby, and while I know I would love it infinitely and that there would be a lot of joy, this just isn’t the situation I would want to have it in. I had a really tough time growing up, and I’ve only really felt settled for the last 5 years or so. I have had some very difficult relationships and whilst my current partner seems to be the best one I’ve ever had, we are only 9 months in and I’m concerned this is too early to know for sure. He is also not very financially secure owing to the divorce and 2 existing kids. I don’t want my life to be a struggle after it has taken me so long to get to the place of stability that I have (job, finances, own home etc.). In my ideal world, I would be living with the partner, we would be financially secure and I wouldn’t need to worry so much about maternity leave, my job, my house etc. I know that ‘there is never a right time to have a baby’ and that is one of the things that is making this so difficult!

I have met his kids and his ex wife. His kids and I get along great and they are really awesome kids. I also got on with this ex but I’m worried I’m starting to see and understand some of the reasons they broke up (I seem to have a lot of personality traits in common with her!!)

Hi Op,
Big hug its a difficult decision and you can feel very isolated. I was in a similar position this time last year...I think you need to trust your gut feeling whatever that may be. Have you booked an appointment at a clinic to discuss options?This might give you clarification as to how you feel.

For context, but not comparison, I felt quite trapped and extremely unhappy with being pregnant despite being a in steady, happy relationship of 1 year. However, everything felt so rushed I couldn't cope with feeling so out of control. I also like you felt like I was settling for my partner because of the pregnancy and wanted to develop the relationship, have good times, save money (i am more finacially stable than partner). Im now a year past the termination and can now say I feel happy, more secure in my relationship, financially secure and were actually happy to be planning a pregnancy and this to me feels like a more positive experience. I also dont like the 'this might be your last chance' pressure.....its not a helpful comment when you feel like this. Im 37 so I completely understand.

I would advise you to speak with someone about options first and then see how you feel when reality of it hits.

You can write endless lists of pro's and cons but it comes down to being very honest with yourself without any feelings of guilt or pressure etc. And really think what do YOU want for yourself.

All the best in your decision and your future ❤️

Thank you so much for this, your post has felt really validating.

Please can I ask - did you regret the termination? I feel like your situation a year ago is very similar to mine!

also - do you ever think about how you would have felt if you never felt ready to try again or the opportunity had passed you by? I am struggling to make peace with that and feel like I am
forcing myself to continue the pregnancy in case it is my last chance!

You can continue the pregnancy based on this and it's very valid! It may mean you want the baby more than you realise if you're worried it won't happen again. X

I would never say I regret it because you can only make decisions based on what you know and feel at the time and i trust myself for making that decision. I felt very trapped and overwhelmingly negative about everything which is probably the most dominant feeling that came over me.
There are times when I think I would have that baby now, be on mat leave etc but I very much appreciate and enjoy the life I have and focus on that.
I suppose my contentment comes from the hope it happens again....which could be seen as a form of regret.

People might think well it's only been a year not much has changed....but it has and more importantly I feel ready to make that commitment knowing it's more 'planned' which helps me to be mentally prepared too. I know life doesnt go to plan, but this is such a big, life changing decision to make! It's a very pragmatic approach i guess.
(I also had a decision to make based on my location, as I had moved out of the UK for my job (channel islands) and so I had to decide if I wanted to continue living away and have a baby away from family etc or move back to uk, which i didnt want to, and it was too much upheaval to go through at the time).

I also think in early pregnancy there's so much anxiety and often depression that makes decision making very difficult and the one thing i didnt do is talk to anyone about how I was feeling.....which would be the first thing to do now. I just thought I know what I'm doing I don't need anyone to talk it through with but you can get very lost in your own thoughts.....

Message me if you want to xx

what have you decided op?

I realise my post was heavy on the continue, that was because some of what you said seemed to be wanting reassurance. Your later responses perhaps don’t go that way. Anyway, you must do what you want to do of course. Hope you are ok

I’m right down to the wire now - I have a termination booked for Thursday but not sure I’m going ahead. My mental health has deteriorated quite drastically and relationship with the father is all but over but I do have an attachment to the baby and I’m not sure I can give it up. Very hard, trying to work out what’s best for both of us.

It'll all work out in its own way just focus on looking after yourself each day. Sounds like you are attached and that is probably the biggest factor in all of this. Xx

@Orangebee3 , I'm sorry that your relationship with the father didn't work out, but that removes a bunch of the "cons" from your list because you no longer have to worry about those. I have a feeling that you are letting your anxieties get the better of you and that you'd be a spectacular mum. Of course this choice is yours and only you can know what is best for you. But I get the feeling that you will regret terminating and that if you have the child, once he or she is in your arms, all doubts will be shattered. I hope you can find a path forward that you feel confident about, and that whatever the next chapter is in your life, it's a good one.

Aww if you are attached then it sounds like you will be going with your 💕 do you have a good friend or family to talk to? You will be absolutely fine and it will work out for you xx

How are you doing OP? Xx