Impossible decision

[Orangebee3]

Hi all, I am 10 weeks pregnant and went to my first maternity appointment today. Since I found out, I have been completely on the fence about whether to continue the pregnancy or terminate it. I have a SA booked for next week. I am 37 and know that I want to be a mum but the situation I am in right now is so hard. I have been with my partner for 9 months and he is currently going through an incredibly angry and bitter divorce. He has 2 young kids (4,6) with his ex and we currently live 45 minutes apart in different towns. On finding out I was pregnant, my first thought was ‘where are we going to live’. We had talked before about me eventually moving to his town as he has his kids 50 percent of the time so it wouldn’t be reasonable for him to move 45 minutes away from their school and life etc. since I fell pregnant though, I just can’t bear the thought of moving away from my friends and family, I’ve been really struggling with my mental health and the thought of moving to a town where I don’t know anyone is making me feel very scared and isolated. He is considering the feasibility of moving to where I live and commuting to school for the girls twice a week on the days that he has them. The kids’ mum has just told him that she is no longer happy with the 50/50 custody agreement (not a court order, this is an informal arrangement between them), and she now wants 80% custody. They do not get on at all, they are constantly fighting and disagreeing on everything and she just doesn’t like his parenting style (there is nothing objectively wrong with how he parents, he is just more laid back than her with things like what they eat and wear etc.). Essentially, if I have this baby, it is going to be born in the middle of a messy divorce, my partner’s ex will definitely not respond well to the news and I am really worried about how that might affect him, the existing kids, me and the baby. I also earn more money that him and I’m worried about his ability to comfortably support 3 kids (he is on £50k, I am on £65k). I own my own house at the moment but it is only a one bed so realistically, I would become dependant on him to move in together etc. he is also really struggling with his own mental health at the moment owing to the very difficult circumstances. This all just feels really, really hard and a part of me thinks it just isn’t the right time and that I should go ahead with the termination. Another part of me knows I would love this baby and is worried this will be my only chance to be a mum. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on how to make this decision? I feel completely trapped, this just isn’t how I want to bring a child into the world.

I'm sorry you're in a difficult position. For what it's worth, I don't think 45 minutes is too far, particularly if he's only doing the school run a few days a week. If things worked out, you could move to the middle and be 20-25 mins from each of your families. If you want the baby, I would focus on using your family support and ensuring you can return to your job after mat leave. But there's a lot to consider with regards to your mental health and relationship.

please don’t terminate. You said you want to be a mum, you said you would love the baby. All will workout fine and you can never have a baby at the right time. You would be terminating based on their messy divorce and it might be really something you will regret. 10 weeks is long enough down the line to really affect you. Please keep going. Usually I wouldn’t suggest either way but your post sounds very much like you should continue. It is your baby and you seem perfectly fine to bring it up right now and love it. I am pro choice so I am not gaining anything by offering you my advice. It just sounds like you would terminate based on others lives and that might really be hard to deal with. Good luck and if you want to be a mum please continue. Xx

Thanks for your advice, really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I am still going back and forth, wondering whether we should wait for a year and try again but I appreciate your comment that there is never a right time and I don’t like the thought of just disregarding this baby in that way. I’m still really struggling to commit given the complexity (and the thought of moving from living alone to a house with a partner I’ve only known for 9 months, a new baby and his 2 existing kids 50% of the time!). It just feels so overwhelming. I have definitely taken your comments on board though and will keep thinking on them. I also didn’t mention in previous post that I have spent about 2 weeks of the pregnancy vaping which is also causing my pause about whether this is the best decision right now. Driving myself crazy!

Thank you. It’s good to hear an objective view on the distance and really helpful. You are right RE mental health and the situation. It just feels so complex, I wish things were different!

It sounds like you’re thinking of everyone else and not yourself so much. The only person who will have to live with a decision to terminate is you. Please only do it if it’s what you want. 9 months is a long time to figure out logistics, one step at a time.

I would be reluctant to advise a person either way with something so big, but it sounds like you want this baby and to be a mum. The chances of you regretting this are high with that in mind, especially if you definitely want children at some point. However this most likely isn’t your last chance to get pregnant so don’t see it as a now or never situation.

Also you said you own your house, and it’s a one bedroom. Bear in mind that a baby would be in your room for a certain amount of time, so they wouldn’t need their own bedroom right away. I think you should stay where you are for now whether you keep the pregnancy or not, because there’s already been a lot of upheaval and change for you in the past few months with this relationship. I wouldn’t combine my finances on buying a home with a man I know for such a short time and who I’m not married to but that’s me personally. If you have a baby you will want to be near your support system, they will give you more help and advice than anyone your boyfriend knows in his town. Best of luck whatever you decide

Great advice from previous about staying where you are. One bedroom is fine as she says - my nearly 4 year old is in my bed still and my 7 year old would be also if she could as well. Sometimes does!! Stay where you are and see what happens down the line as it is enough to have a baby let alone move. Good luck also and any questions just ask us x

42 expecting my first. Heres my experience...no partner anymore, was early in rship also, in the end aborted the man, but I have great family nearby. Good job like you and nice home etc, so I knew I could cope financially and have a decent set up. I made my decision based on what I would regret more in the end. At the start all I could focus on was my partner and him not wanting it, it sent my mind spiralling for weeks, but the tables started to turn and I started to think about me and the baby (that I might not ever experience again, and its actually a mini me, a girl as i found out gender at 10wks with NIPT)...I realised this is probably my last chance, given age, and I just couldn't leave that behind, so here I am on my own, and actually looking forward to it all now. It'll be hard I know that, but I've the resources to manage,so I'll just have to!

Your partner at least still sounds supportive, thats great. However, you cannot base your decision on primarily him, knowing that you might want the baby, as that is a recipe for regret. Yes there's alot of women who have terminations and are fine, not disputing that, BUT...the regret and sometimes deep depression for some...comes from those who are not more than 50% sure of their reasoning, and are not doing it based on what they want, so just be mindful of that.

Search the soul deep. Life is what we make it. The decision can't be undone either way. You might find your rship doesn't survive either way...which is quite common.. so what would you regret long term the most when you look into the future? Rships come and go, sure even married folk divorce, so that's why I'm personally reluctant to ever make big decisions based on the man/woman.

Good luck 👍🏻 it's a very difficult situation to be in, I know.

Also, just to add in the end of previous post. I am married but still feel like a single mum and most of the time I may as well be. lol! Go for it!!