Feeling scared depressed and maybe wanting termination

[Floralie222]

I had a medical abortion last year at 6 weeks after an unplanned pregnancy, I messed up. I didn't regret the abortion, procedure was straightforward but it spiralled a big issue in my relationship and where it was going.

A year later after some counselling and a lot of pain, we made the joint decision to work through this together, get engaged and try for a baby, but the second I saw the positive line on the test, I burst into unhappy tears and I have been terrified/in total denial ever since. Maybe because of what happened last year, I don't know. I booked a couple of private scans, but am ashamed to say I hoped there wouldn't be anything there on the scan. I am now over 20 plus weeks pregnant and have told no one except my partner although my mum has guessed so I finally told her a couple of days ago.

I have never experienced depression before so I don't recognise these feelings, but I cannot think straight, I change my mind sometimes 20 times per hour. All I feel is dread, fear, wanting to cry, spend all day in bed, and a complete terror of telling anyone about the baby because then it would be "final". I wanted to feel happy and announce the baby and engagement but it's like the words just don't come out of my mouth. Then I was going to text everyone the news but couldn't bring myself to hit send.

I keep booking termination appointments but delaying them until the absolute legal limit in the hope of suddenly feeling attached to the baby, but it never comes. Or I go to the appointment but I cry so much they rebook me for later. I have a final appointment booked on Tuesday and I feel sick not knowing what will happen and like I have all the control but absolutely no control at the same time. Sometimes I toss a coin and then feel so incredibly ashamed. My partner says he wants the baby but he can see how I am and so he's not really getting excited about it, which is not helping me, and I'm lashing out at him.

I tried many, many different counselling providers, and trying to see a doctor but the walk in GP clinic I saw just sent me to a mental health team at the emergency department who basically told me "don't worry you'll love the baby once it's here" and prescribed me travel sickness pills (?) I haven't even thought about the baby because these feelings are blocking all rational thinking or planning. They did give me a lorazepam in the emergency department which calmed me down a lot for about 4 hours. It was the calmest I've felt in a long time. I thought I might have antenatal depression but struggling to get any help from anyone and I just feel so much shame about how I am feeling. Soon I will have to lie to work about why I am not able to come in this week and that's stressing me as well.

I am in my thirties and in a good place to have a baby, so these feelings make no sense to me, but feel like my reaction is like a teenage pregnancy, or like a teenager would cope better than me. Maybe a post trauma reaction to last year, I just don't know. If anyone has been in the same position please help. Thank you so much if you're still reading.

I’m not medical at all but it sounds like you have perinatal anxiety / depression. You really need to be helped by a GP so please get booked in and see a different gp if you need to if you are not being taken seriously. Your mind is in a spin and you need help to calm. They will advise. Xx

Hi,

I believe I may have commented on a post you did earlier with a different username? Apologies if I'm either mistaken or my advice is repetitive.

Firstly, you need to ask to be prescribed an anti depressant. Unless I've missed It in your post then I'm surprised you haven't been offered this. It may take a few weeks to kick in (although actually for some people it can take a quick effect) but it will help stop your brain from spinning quite so rapidly over the same obsessive and anxious thoughts. If you're concerned about side effects then start off small and build up. In the past I have taken 25mg of sertraline and built up from that point without issue. It doesn't mean you will need them forever but it does sound like you need a bit of respite from your own brain. You are in freeze/flight panic mode from the sounds of things and that is not a place to make decisions from.

Are you booked in with any kind of midwife team? They should be able to refer you to further perinatal mental health specialists.

Secondly, an abortion at this stage will likely be emotionally and possibly physically difficult. Especially if your partner wants a baby. I'm always pro choice but this is more than a tiny embryo and it's not a decision to go into unsure of. Something internally is stopping you from aborting or you would have done it earlier. I would try and pull and whatever support you have around you. What does your mum say? Does she know how you feel? Who else do you have in your life who you can trust to be supportive and positive?

Sorry you're having such a hard time. A baby is life changing and yes that's scary, but it's not usually for the worse if your life is otherwise stable, or else noone would have them. Believe in yourself and be brave. But first step is to get that mental health support so you can think clearly.

Thank you so much, sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else to know that there's a reason for feeling like this!

Thank you so much for this detailed reply. I feel so much better after reading it. I haven't started a post before but am a regular reader on this the last few months.

It's made more complicated by the fact I've been working abroad and only in the UK for a visit over summer, so haven't been able to have the NHS/midwife services and where I've been working it has all been rather ad hoc just going for scans and tests with clinics but no consistent care. Looking back I can see where I made errors with all this and should've asked for support sooner.

You're right that something stopped me going ahead, and also, I wanted a baby before actually becoming pregnant, I mean I was tracking my ovulation, this was planned, perinatal depression is the only thing that makes some sense to me and I'm feeling a bit more hopeful after reading this that I can get the help I need once I stop burying my head and seeing a doctor.

Sometimes you just can't explain your own actions. Thank you so much for your advice!

Hey, I can relate to a lot of this.
We were trying for a baby, it just happened very quickly. I was also tracking ovulation. When I found out I was excited for about 20 minutes then I was just full of dread. I had an early scan too at about 8 weeks and also, as awful as it sounds hoped that there was nothing there.
I hated anyone talking about the fact I was pregnant, I didn’t want to think about it and I felt like my life was over. I couldn’t escape it because whatever I did I was obviously still pregnant so it was like I was completely stuck somewhere I just didn’t want to be. I wanted it all to go away and to go back to how my life was before. I didn’t tell work until about 4 days before the cut off which is about 25 weeks I think.
My partner was really excited but like you, because of how I was feeling he found it hard to be excited. I cried after my 12 week scan because everything was ok… which sounds absolutely awful. I just couldn’t see any way through it all and lived inside my own head every minute of every day.
I saw the perinatal mental health team but tbh it took so long for anything to happen that by the time I saw them properly, I was actually in a much better place.
I worked really hard on just being in the present and enjoying life because it wasn’t over!! People said hormones would be crazy which I always shrugged off but I think it’s easy to underestimate that part. Into the third trimester I was in a much better place. I didn’t feel ‘bonded’ or particularly excited, although I had excited moments which was a huge step from where I had been before.
I forced myself through buying baby clothes and putting the cot together etc, feeling like I was living someone else’s life.
Fast forward to now, my son is 16 months old and I have so much love for him. Yeah I still sometimes miss the easy life I had before but that’s ok and to be expected at times.
I went on sertraline at about 25 weeks and I am still on them now.
Not sure if that helps at all, but I wanted you to know you are not alone!

Thank you, so so much. I could've written this myself, word for word up until where I am now. This is so reassuring. I didn't go through with the termination and decided to continue the pregnancy so am praying things also turn out the way they have for you. I have a GP appointment today and hoping she can help. I have told a few people but likewise I feel like I'm living someone else's life or this is a dream that I will wake up from any moment. I just find myself staring into space! Thank you again xxxx