Pregnancy made me realise I don’t want a 2nd

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As the title says, I have just found out I’m pregnant and all it has done is confirm that I absolutely do not want a 2nd child.

I have 1 DC who is 3, who is genuinely the light of my life. However I’ve made no secret of the fact I also find it incredibly hard, and have always been unsure whether I even wanted 1 let alone more.

We have been speaking about having a 2nd, and whilst I’ve never been 100% no as a little bit of me wonders what it would be like, I’m more than happy with 1. My husband would love another, but was happy with whatever I decided.

Fast forward to now, and despite being on the pill I’ve just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant. And all I can think is that I’ve completely ruined my life, and I absolutely do not want a 2nd. We can afford it, both in time and money, but selfishly I just don’t want one.

I’m finally starting to get a bit of me and my old life back - time with friends and for me, just got a great promotion, my husband and I have regular date nights etc. - and the thought of going back to nappies/night feeds/maternity leave again makes me want to cry. But it’s not just the baby stage - now it’s a reality, I just don’t want 2 children at any stage. 1 is hard enough despite what a joy they are, and the thought of doing all of this twice over makes me nothing but shudder.

I found out a few days ago and haven’t told a soul. I know I need to tell DH soon, but as soon as I do that’s it - it’s reality. I’m absolutely pro-choice, and I know I do have a choice here. But there is no way DH would support that choice when he wants a 2nd, which I completely respect. So what kind of choice is it - either option seems hopeless. I either -

1. tell DH and have a 2nd despite categorically not wanting it.
2. tell DH and have a termination, but knowing that quite rightly would be the end of my marriage.
3. don’t tell DH and have a termination, but that feels so many levels of wrong I can’t even comprehend.

I’m actually sat here hoping I come on my period and it’s a chemical pregnancy - how awful of a mother does that make me?!

What the fuck do I do.

Would option 2 definitely mean the end of your marriage? You're not just thinking of yourself here but the family as a whole.

I'm going through something similar although without any children yet, in that I've convinced myself that termination = end of relationship and so struggling to separate the thoughts/opinions. Sending lots of love, sorry you're going through this! I recommend speaking to Choices Charity, you have plenty of time!

Oh wow. All I can say is that you become a team when you get married, and to make a decision that big all by yourself seems like the wrong thing to do.

You can ask him how much work he's willing to put in, if you did have the second child. Is HE willing to do the late night feeds and nappie changes? To do more cleaning/chores/grocery shopping/cooking at home? To let you have occasional free nights/weekend days to spend with your friends? It might be good to talk about how many sacrifices he's willing to make.

It's hard to know if your mind is focusing mostly on what you'd be losing with a second child, and not thinking at all on what you (and your husband/older child) would be gaining. Many people have an 'oops' baby, and later think that they can't imagine their family without that child. The baby and toddler years go by so fast, and then you move on to a new chapter in your family history.

If there is no way in this universe that you are going to mother a second child, you will have to explain this in detail to your husband, and if he stays in the marriage but is grieving as if you lost a baby that you both wanted, you will have to be respectful of that. He might need counseling, or the two of you might need to go together (couples counseling might be a good tool for the two of you right now, so you can try to understand how the other is thinking and feeling). You might also want to consider some kind of permanent birth control, if your feelings don't change. I hope the relationship between you and your husband is strong enough to get through this impossibly hard situation.

To be brutal, DH has no right to require the use of your body for the manufacture of a child. As you say, the choice ultimately rests with you - but you'd understandably feel awful keeping it a secret, so you'll have to discuss it with him.

It's going to be crucial to be very clear in your own mind about your exact reasons for wanting to stop at one. All of them, from emotional & psychological factors, through work considerations & personal goals, to how you felt bringing up a baby and just what that entailed.

If your main objection is the exhausting grind of the early years - did he genuinely share the load with you or not? Could this be overcome with proper input from him (and would he actually deliver) or could you bring in full-time help? Bear in mind you'd have a baby and a primary-school child, so at least 1½ times the effort!

Just as importantly, would sufficient quality support resolve the difficulty for you, or are the other factors still significant?

It's surprising that you believe DH would end your marriage over not having a second child. I hope you're wrong about this, but why does he feel so strongly? Clearly, you'll need to understand exactly what he imagines and expects, too.

I do feel for you; this is difficult. I'm wondering whether you could start the conversation by saying you're really worried about the prospect of another pregnancy, and maybe suggest seeing a counsellor together to work through it? I mean, I hope his reply is "I'd never make you go through anything you weren't happy with! Your body, your choice, and thank you for our beautiful DD." You need to test the water. Fingers crossed for you.

Which option do you feel jumping out at you?

you might find your marriage is not going to end over all of this. It is your body and from reading your post you said you categorically don’t want one - that seems pretty strong at this moment. Does that shock you or not? I mean have you been wanting one at all? Just getting you to check your own mind. Your post seems pretty head strong and like you know yourself but double check to make sure.

you could swap husbands with me if he is that keen on having another hahaha 🤪 !!! Mine does NOT want another! Booo