6 weeks and feeling completely trapped

[Mazdagiraffe]

Hi, this is my first time ever posting on anywhere like this but I am really hoping to hear some perspectives from people who have had similar experiences as I feel so incredibly stuck and alone right now.

I am 6 weeks pregnant by my boyfriend of 8 months and I am 37 years old. My boyfriend has 2 children from a previous relationship (ages 4 and 6) and is currently going through a messy divorce. We don’t currently live together (about 45 minute apart). I know that he loves me and he has said that he is excited about the pregnancy if I want to continue it but will support me either way. He loves his 2 kids from previous relationship and has them 50% of the time. He is a good dad.

we both have decent jobs (I earn more than him but together we earn around £115k. i own my house but it is only a 1 bed and he is currently renting while the divorce is finalised. I would have to move to his town as his kids are at school there and this would be a big change for me as I currently live close to my friends and family and my independence has been very important to me, particularly after a very difficult childhood and 20’s. I am so scared of giving up my house, my financial independence that I have worked so hard for, my social independence that I have worked so hard for. I know this makes me sound really selfish but I am absolutely terrified of everything now, I can’t stop overthinking:

• what if I have the baby and it has health or developmental issues due to my age
• what if my relationship doesn’t last?
• what if I can’t afford to do what I want for me and for the baby (we would be a family of 5!)
• what if I resent my boyfriend or my baby as a result of losing independence?
• what if I have post natal depression?
• What if I regret the change and upheaval?
• what if I lose my identity?
• what if my life feels small?
• what if the baby grows into a difficult teenager and struggles though life and is unhappy?
• what if I pass my mental health issues to my baby?

I have been really struggling with my
mental health, I have reached out for prevention so help as I have a history of anorexia and anxiety/depression and this indecision and the bloating from the early pregnancy have led to me having a serious urge to self harm.

I feel like there are so many reasons here to have a termination but I am also inherently a very maternal person. I am very close to my
niece who is a teenager now and I have been in her life since day one, my boyfriend says I am great with his 2 girls and I know that I always think about things from a child’s perspective and want the best for them so I think I would be a good mum (anxieties aside). I am scared that if I have the termination, I will regret it for the rest of my life and this is quite possibly my
last chance of motherhood.

has anyone had similar experience and decided to have a termination? Or keep the baby?

It absolutely pains me to write this but I wouldn't if I were you. Unless you desperately want a child and would be happy potentially raising it by yourself.

This is no shade to your partner, but I'm likely one extreme of the spectrum as I am struggling (have been for a while) as my partner (I'm not married) has two children who stay with us EOW and I haven't felt comfortable in my own home for years now during those weekends. It's just not worth it entering that family dynamic as it will wear you down. I couldn't think of anything worse than having a child with him to be tied to this forever.

At first the kids didn't bother me as there was no pressure but the expectations started to come in thick and fast and at one point I totally felt like I was losing myself on those weekends. I felt trapped too and your contact will be much more than mine.

I miss my independence when they are here and sometimes having alone time feels like a huge fight. The only saving grace is that it's 'only' EOW.

Each to their own but I really hope you put yourself first in this instance.

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

So many what ifs... What if it all works out well?
You can't live life based on fear of worst case scenarios or there'd be no point living at all.

Risks are slightly raised due to age, but you're still far more likely to have a healthy baby than any issues. Your life and your identity will change but that's not always bad. Babies can make things harder, but that doesn't always mean worse. You will lose some freedom but it's not forever; they will grow up and become a life long family member. It is also different when it's your own child compared to spending time with step children.

However, I can't comment on your mental health issues. And you sound like you've worked hard to achieve a life that you are happy with. Only you can decide what matters to you for your future.

Whatever you end up doing, don't allow yourself to look back in the opposite direction. It's likely that for whichever path you choose then there is a level of grief for the one you didn't take, but that doesn't mean you're making the wrong choice. Try to align your head and heart and trust yourself to make the best choice for yourself and your future. Maybe write yourself a letter and if you waiver in what you've decided then look back on it and remind yourself of the reasons you chose whatever you decide upon.

Good luck. Have faith in yourself.

I think given your age if you would like a baby and to be a mummy then it does seem a bit now or never. Plenty of people have them later however. I wouldn’t worry about the health of the baby because of your age. You are still young. It really comes down to if you want to become a mum. If you want to become a mum then this sounds like a good a chance as any. I do know a bit about the eating disorder situation as I used to have an eating disorders but I was well out of it when I had my first baby so it didn’t arise as an issue. I do feel for you on that level so do seek help for that. Good luck and be kind to yourself

@Mazdagiraffe hi, I'm having my unplanned baby at 42. The father is not involved and I made the choice to continue regardless, as realistically it is my last chance (I've no kids). I weighed everything up, and because I've the job, house etc, I felt it was meant to be. I'm under no illusion that it will be hard, but I'm willing to live with my decision. It does come down to whether you want a baby and I'd recommend not rushing into making this decision due to fear/anxiety. I took time and spoke to a counsellor, which was helpful, and tried to work through my anxieties. There will always be 'what ifs' but you have no control over the future, so you need to ask yourself what you might regret more down the line in e.g. a years time, or 5 years etc. Try to be more than 50% sure of whatever decision you make. I was not 50% abortion , I was panicking over the father and his needs... the reality for me is that I knew emotionally that I'd have really struggled with the aftermath of an abortion that I wasn't sure about.

I can't give any advice about mental health but definitely talk to someone. Lastly, in relation to worrying about your age and health of fetus... I'm older than you and when it was clear I was passing through trimester 1 without miscarriage, I got the NIPT blood test, which screens for the major chromosomal abnormalities. You can get it from 10weeks (I'm in uk and had to pay for it private). It came back clear, which is obviously great. It also reveals gender , so I found out what I'm having.

Wishing you all the best in your decision

I could've almost written this post myself except for a few slightly different details so the responses are very helpful for me too. I am much later than you and have been relaying termination appointments for the last month. Tomorrow is realistically my last day to decide. I saw a counsellor today through Choices Charity (highly recommend) who told us to write a list of "head Vs heart" and "gains Vs losses". It helped me to see a bit clearer and feel more reasoned with whatever decision I make, my problem is I've been 50/50 which is agonising!

Sending you so much love and support. Also agree with a past poster that it's so easy to dwell on the worst case scenario. Apparently my brain has gone into fight or flight and wants to pick the "better safe than sorry" path even if that path is very unappealing and sad. Made a bit more sense of it now and I like the idea of writing your future self a letter.

You've gotten lots of good advice and perspective here, so all I wanted to add is that having a child is a totally different kind of love. I became pregnant very soon after getting married, way before we intended to. We did want to become parents so I decided to just go with it and make the best of it. I went through pregnancy a little resentful and not totally excited, going back and forth between anxiety and self-pity, but trying to remain hopeful. I was totally unprepared for the absolute outpouring of love I felt after they laid my daughter next to me for the first time. I felt like the Earth's biggest fool for the way I'd been feeling. The desire to nurture and protect her was like no other. No house, holiday, spending money, or anything else would be worth giving her up for. Nothing can prepare you for how much you will love your baby. That was my experience, and I know many mums share those feelings. I did have the benefit of being married to a very good man which helped a lot. I just wanted to say I feel that parenthood is worth some risk and I hope you'll be able to sort out your feelings and separate the legitimate issues from the anxiety everyone feels. All my best to you.