I don’t really know how to start this
other than I’m struggling to comprehend and get past everything, although I know it’s still early.
just two days ago I was cradling my little 6 weeks “bump” to now nothing there.
The last two weeks have been filled with arguments and disagreements, I absolutely didn’t want to abort although I was scared our situation wasn’t right (finances/ work/ living situation even just where the kids are atm - my two year old still isn’t in nursery as we was denied hours - I’m the only one working atm and even though I don’t earn enough I still can’t get it? I have no idea why) I didn’t want to terminate it.
There were many things my partner was upset about bringing this baby into and the impact it would have. I, with every ounce of my being didn’t want to abort it.
I didn’t want to say goodbye, to punish our growing child into ending its existence.
( he says he would like to try later when things are right ) but for me I was already accidentally pregnant.
I wanted to be able to nurture and grow our baby. now I will never know what would have been, if it was a girl or a boy, it’s face, be able to hold it and to love it.
I'm just empty, I feel like I’m missing a huge piece of me, just absolutely defeated.
we typically have a loving relationship he is my best friend and ultimately I did it for him because he was in such turmoil.
The day of the second lot of pills I woke up aching feeling everything had already started prior to taking them. So much regret kicked in. I broke down further and spoke to him how much I didn’t want to do this.
he said he doesn’t know what to do, I called the MSI choices and they said it’s a 50/50 chance of miscarrying because there was so much pressure I felt it would happen either way.
Even coming in I was met with “ why you in here I thought you was taking the second lot” I tried to talk we argued more.
eventually after I left and cried and screamed silently a lot we texted and things calmed down.
I took the last lot and was having contractions for 5 hours exhausted and nothing helping I called msi shortly after it passed.
I was so exhausted from the pain it never really sank in the weight of it all.
today, the following day I feel like it’s a out of body experience.
I miss my baby more than anything although it was so early. I’d give anything to be holding it in my womb again. It’s just so painful.
I don’t really know what else to write. I’m just hurting and need somewhere to vent.
I just feel the world is spinning and everything goes on like normal for everyone else, and mine has stopped, this has solved the problem for our family, but I have been left with a gaping hole. I’m just so empty.
😭