TW Abortion - Don’t know what to do but have to decide soon

[UnhappyChappy]

I’m really sorry if this is not the right place to post I just need some advice or words. So I’m really stuck on what to do and I know nobody can make this decision for me but I have nobody else to talk to at all, I just need to know if I’m doing the right thing? no close family anymore, no friends. I already have 3 children who are 11,7,3, (almost all their birthdays) my youngest hasn’t been diagnosed yet but is on the autism pathway and is still non verbal and has limited understanding very hard work, I love all my children of course so much but he is my absolute focus right now as he needs me so much he is still like a 1 year old in that sense. I have 3 bedrooms two share and one is actually going to waste as the youngest sleeps in my room, I promised all children their own room and I would get sofa bed downstairs eventually so they could all have their own space! I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant 5 weeks ago I am roughly 8 and a half weeks now. My instant thought was I can’t keep this - I cried - I was so so so upset. I was so done on having children I’ve been saying for months “nope I’m done” I had got to the point where I could look at babies and be like “meh” if you know what I mean, lol (sorry I know it’s not funny :( ) I was happy in myself I was so glad I’d done all that newborn stuff and experienced it 3 times but now it’s done! And I do absolutely love being a mum, I thought I had my cycle down to a T, I am not on anything as it really really does mess with me as a person and my body is better without it, obviously that will have to change once I make a decision as I can’t go through this again. I’ve also felt so much better in myself recently having been through so much stress/trauma and just stuff the past 5 years I’ve never felt “better” in myself until this obviously hit me, it’s like reversed every bit of progress I’ve made in my mental health I’ve been so frozen in time since I found out upset, I just do not know what to do. It really is a head and heart decision and I know I have to go with my head, I know this would push the limits? I know it will take the time away from the 3 existing children? Money, space sanity! And everything we have planned. I also didn’t have a good pregnancy with the youngest he had FGR and I ended up with an emergency section and he has also had a lot of hospital visits will illnesses. It’s turned me into a hypochondriac and made my anxiety 10x through the roof! But my heart isn’t letting me do anything. It’s stopping me every single time, I’ve got the stuff in my drawers (away of course) to get through a medical abortion but I’ve just been opening the box and closed it and again and again. I can’t do it. But I have to? Everything is kinda perfect right now with them, they all also have birthdays close together which all come into the Christmas months too. I have had a medical abortion before so I do know what to expect but it is was much earlier at about 5 weeks it was before my youngest and yes you guessed it I regretted it so much and knew something was missing it hurt so much and then I had my son! But the difference is I guess there was still space for one more then? I really feel like 4 now is just pushing it too far and will stretch the full family at our limits. I may get hate here and that’s ok I know I’m a terrible person getting myself into this but maybe I need that right now or just another human or mum to talk to me and give me a tiny ounce of advice, someone who’s been through this with 4?! I don’t know, help me :( happy to elaborate on anything, just need someone to talk to, thank you.

Hi hun
First of all . Please stop being so hard on yourself you are not a horrible person at all okay. You are a lovely beautiful women who doesn't have a rule book on how to do life ? None of us have. Things happen life happens . So please be gentle with yourself .

You said "you have to do this " you don't have to do anything . If you want to do it then that's diffrent but you do not "have" to do anything .

I don't have any kids like you so I don't know if I'm the right person to talk to but I wanted to offer you someone to talk to. I had my termination a year and 4 months ago at 37 and I'm now almost 39 and still single. So my story is different to yours . I personally regretted mine deeply . I also felt I "had" to and felt I had no choice but I did !

it was only afterward my heart broke into a million pieces and I've begged god for my baby back ever since. It's heartbreaking as you know you have been through this .

What I will say is you sound like an incredible mother who absolutely loves and adores her children and provides so much for them. Please don't rush your decision and make sure you are 100% in your decision . I wasn't and this is what caused me so much suffering. I would give anything to have my baby back and not done it . My life has taken a completely different path and I am now going back to college to become a counselor. I've also been working with a counselor that has helped me work through deep trauma I would have never worked through had I not have had my termination.

So sometimes I beleive my termination saved me in a way from my self . I don't know it. It's hard after a termination so I guess people try look for a reason or meaning .

my counselor always say "no women chooses an abortion" and she is right.

talk to a loved one or an abortion counselor before you rush. You sound like you want this baby 🩷 I listend to my head and not my heart. So please make sure you really sit with this as you know once it's done it's done. Your kids won't suffer if they have to share a bedroom . It is was it is . They sound so loved and have a beautiful life with you.

Sending you a big hug hun and go easy on yourself xxx 💫🩷

Hi @UnhappyChappy , I feel like @Tinydancer222 already gave you very strong and personal advice. She is a wise lady and so generous to share her story and the emotional aftermath.

All I wanted to add is that if you hesitate taking the abortion pills, there must be a part of your soul that wants that baby. Life never goes just as we planned it, and many times, the best things are not what we planned. The journey is full of surprises, both good and painful. You have to decide if this unplanned pregnancy might be a happy surprise. One thing you did not mention is your partner. Does he know you're pregnant, or are you carrying this stress and anxiety all by yourself? I hope your relationship is good enough that you can discuss this with him. I'm sorry that your youngest has such challenges, but it sounds like you're a patient and loving mum who is getting him what he needs to make progress.

You already know what it's like to abort and so you will be making this choice with all clarity, should you choose to do that. I will be praying for you as you try to envision your life's path with and without another child. All my best to you.

@SilverScales @Tinydancer222 thank you both for your replies, I did read your comments when you posted them but it’s been an emotional rollercoaster. I just wanted to say i did end up taking mifepristone at about 9 weeks 6 days (what I thought I were) it was a panic decision of being last minute to do it at home! I then had that instant regret feeling, BUT I didn’t go through with the rest of it and decided I wanted to carry on my pregnancy after that mifepristone pill I did spot a tiny bit for 2/3 days. I am around 15/16 weeks now and had two scans both showed a “healthy” happy baby with a beating heart which is very comforting knowing he/she is ok for now :). I now though - face the constant worry through pregnancy of what I may have done due to taking the first pill, and then the fact I’m also a high risk pregnancy anyway (due to past pregnancies) so yeah very stressful and I’m also up and down still but I know in my heart I know being a mum again is much more easier for me personally than living with guilt and regret forever.
thank you both for taking the time out to comment to me back then. I took your comments to the heart ♥️

also hopefully my comment could educate people on the abortion pills as a lot of women don’t even know they have an option to continue pregnancy after taking that first pill when they unfortunately regret it! - since all this I’ve actually found it’s very common and alot of pregnancies continue very healthily after the FIRST pill. It’s the second lot (misoprostol) that cause damage.

@UnhappyChappy This has made me so incredibly happy I was almost crying reading this . I am absolutely deligted you made this decision . Your baby is fine and healthy and will be fine and healthy and you are going to be amazing mammy . I will be praying for you and your baby . I'm so overjoyed for you hun you done the absolute right thing for you . I wish you nothing but love happiness and health . You really made my day xxx 🩷🩷🩷🩷

@Tinydancer222 thank you so much for your lovely reply, honestly it means so much! Especially as I’ve chosen to keep this pregnancy between me and my partner for now (and hopefully until the birth), just because of how emotional it’s been I’m wanting to soak and take it all in without the attention or judgement of others around us. So it’s like I don’t talk about it but because it’s my secret kind of!
Also back to your first comment. I am so moved by your story and I’m sending you huge hugs. I think sometimes people underestimate the things we have to go through and then deal with actually being the woman. That includes all avenues and ages of life, we are soldiers!
I completely feel you. And although you felt you had to make the sad decision back then it’s also helped you work through things you may never of which will make you grow even more as a person - and you’re choosing to want to help others. That shows how much of a beautiful soul you are and I wish you nothing but the best and healing and happiness for your future, honestly. You sound like an amazing lady. ♥️

@UnhappyChappy thank you so much for your beautiful words . As are you a beautiful soul . There is no judgment so please so be so hard on yourself you're just a human being exploring this thing called life for the first time . So be gentle kind and compassionate with yourself like you would a best friend . No one has a rule book to life. There are no right and wrongs . You done what you done and what was ment to be prevailed so stand in love not fear or judgment .

I am absolutely buzzing for you . Now get excited get your baby's new bits and bobs in . Lead with love and in the present . This may come up when your beautiful baby arrives but remember no judgement. It worked out exactly how it was suppose to . You were ment to do it exactly how you did even the bits you made feel shame was all part of your journey 🩷

I'm so glad your happy and it's so exciting now getting everything ready for baba. Remember all is well in my world as a mantra.

My happy ending will come too and my baby will come back to me I have no doubt . My journey also went the way it did because it was supposed to also.

im so proud of you and your so incredibly brave . Sending you the biggest hug mama now get excited and enjoy every moment of your little miracle xxxx 🩷🩷🩷🩷

Hello dear @UnhappyChappy , I too was elated to read your post. I'm so glad that it was not too late for you. You are one of the very lucky ones, from what I hear, it's only about a 10% survival rate if only the mifepristone is taken. Progesterone is a hormone needed to continue pregnancy and the mifepristone blocks that hormone. The second pill makes the uterus contract and expel the fetus. If a woman changes her mind after taking mifepristone, her best chance is to get progesterone from a doctor. But the good news is that there is barely any increased risk of medical problems with the developing baby if mifepristone has been taken; only a fraction of a percent higher than women who took no abortion pill. So I hope that eases your mind a little bit, and I hope this labor and delivery will be easier.

I'm excited for you and your family. I remember when I read your original post, I thought to myself that I bet your non-verbal 3 year old would have a special friendship with a little brother or sister. I'm so glad that things have worked out for you. Thank you so much for the update, and I have all faith in your motherly heart that you'll be able to meet the challenges. Hugs to you!

Hey guys, back again just like to update you all (or anyone else who ever comes across this post worried about the mifepristone affects reading this etc) I’m now 21+ weeks and all scans showing fine so far. Could even see the lips and face very clearly at my 20 weeks scan! Baby is very very strong and been kicking/moving like a trooper since 16 weeks. Also is a little boy. (2 of each for me) I’m still VERY anxious about my situation and life changes ahead but have been getting on with my pregnancy quietly, not even told anyone still and tbh that makes it so much easier without having all the baby/pregnant talk around me. It’s also making it go by a lot quicker (to me)! But I’ve been struggling a lot recently at the moment with my health anxiety by-proxy, and constantly worry about my children and their health specially when winter comes around with bugs/illnesses (had some scary experiences in the past) and just hoping it doesn’t escalate when the new baby is here :( I use to be able to “be mum” so easily before, sometimes it feels so hard now. It can get so bad some days your just in that constant fight or flight mode for your children and scared to death (even though they’re perfectly and physically okay). Ugh life…. Just thought I’d add that there so I can get it off my chest! I don’t have many people around me. Specially friends wise and even less family.

@UnhappyChappy this is great news and I am so happy for you and baby . This has made my day and I'm so glad you and baby are okay . Please speak to maybe a counselor about your anxiety about the fears around health. Some CBT theraphy may help. 'My counselor is a a counselor 20 years and is in her 60s and reminds me that she doesn't listen to 80% of her thoughts that there nonsense . In other words just because it's a taught in your head it doesn't mean it is true . Take control of your mind and don't let it run wild as it will drive you crazy . Look into box breathing for regulating your nervous system to help you with anxiety. You are doing amazing please know that xx

I'm so glad to hear that your son is healthy and that your scan went well. I hope your three year old is doing okay. Are you and your partner still together, and is he being supportive? I'm sorry you don't have more connections to people around you. Maybe you could look for some kind of group for parents of special needs children, even an online one, and you might be able to make a friend for emotional and child raising support. Libraries are sometimes a good place to make friends. Wishing you all the best.