Confused, unsure what to do, although it may be too late 😒

[WanderWild40]

I am 40 years old and have two children, 20 and 12. My partner has no children we have been together 2 years.

I was adamant my youngest would be my last child. My eldest moved out recently and my youngest is becoming a teenager and I started to wonder, would I, should I have another child! I came off the jab 9 months ago as doctor recommended as I have been on it years and tried the mini pill, it didn’t agree with me. As my periods were not even regular yet I delayed making an appointment to discuss next options so I went around a month unprotected and ended up pregnant. I am 7 weeks. My partner was initially excited but that was short lived when I said it had to go. He’s been very supportive and now I’ve confused him as well as myself as I took the first abortion pill Saturday morning and instantly regretted it and was upset all day. That’s when all the good parts of being a mum again started entering my head ! I couldn’t bring myself to take the second tablets. I have had bad cramps and been hot and cold and very weak since 4pm yesterday. I can’t believe I am not bleeding they have been so bad! I am currently waiting for my doctors to call me as Nupas said to make an appointment with them.

Its hard to get my head around me thinking I’ve changed my mind as I visioned my life being school run free and I love to travel 4/5 times a year. Apart from being bound to expensive term time costs some of my best holiday memories are with the kids. I want a baby but think of the school runs again and my full time job I wonder if I can do it !

This is the first time pregnant I am actually in a financial to afford one and have plenty of space. I am dreading if I bleed I really don’t want to lose it now, even though I am frightened to death of being a mum again in a way!
I know a few older mums who have preferred doing it later to their younger years. As me and my partner split when my children were young I also feel I’ve never been that full time mum so this is also my chance to be.

I’ve read the chances of the baby surviving are low as the UK doesn’t give the abortion pill reversal. So I have to take whatever is meant to be. The question I ask myself is do I want to try for one of this doesn’t work out or is just the guilt of getting rid of it over powering me ! Has anyone else been in this situation ? What did you do?

I am not sure about the likelihood of the pill not working. Prepare yourself for the fact that this pregnancy will not go ahead. If it makes you realise you do want a child and you decide to try again, that would be a positive and lovely outcome!

Do make sure though that you and your partner are 100 percent on the same page and worked through any issues that led you to deciding to have this abortion. I rushed to get pregnant after a previous abortion (7 months later) without resolving any of the issues that led to it, and its been the most stressful time as I'm not really recovered from the abortion or the reasons that led up to it and am now terrified of continuing this pregnancy. I should've been a bit more rational about it all and worked through things better to recover. Just take your time and make sure you're consistently agreed on taking a decision.

Sending you lots of support, hope you get seen by Nupas soon xx

Op, I’m so sorry you’re in this position, it’s not unheard of that a medical abortion fails, however, my understanding is the vast majority do work, and its the first pill that ends the pregnancy, the second lot of pills are what’s need to expel the pregnancy from your body. I had no bleeding at all until I took the second pills.

I found myself pregnant at 39, had a medical abortion at 8 weeks, and then felt all the things you are feeling, although it was afterwards rather then mid way through the procedure I felt it. I decided to try again, as similar to you, I couldn’t work out whether I regretted my decision and wanted a baby, or whether it was just guilt and after feelings.

I got pregnant again very quickly and but this point I was 40, and felt exactly the same the second time too, realised as soon as I saw the positive that I had been a fool to try. In this instance, nature decided for me, and I felt relieved, but I’m honestly not convinced I wouldn’t have aborted again. I think I would have.

Having had that experience, I now realise, trying for another baby was not the answer.

I hope you can find piece with whatever happens. Best of luck x

Thank you so much for your lovely advice. We have agreed that if it hasn’t ended the pregnancy that a thorough conversation on planning to keep it would be the next steps. I was so set on I wasn’t keeping it that we hand even had that conversion!

I have just got back from the doctors, the cramps have eased off and she is amazed that I haven’t had any bleeding after 74 hours. The hospital is calling me today to book me in for a scan. What will be will be and I will accept. I suppose only my feelings after that would tell me if I want to try for another after that. I don’t feel I have much time as I am 41 in October.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling that way. Feel free to share the issues you are facing if you would like to talk! Pregnancy is daunting anyway. Is this your first? Xxxxx

Thank you. ☺️ I am not sure I would go out my way to try again, I feel like if this is meant to be I would welcome it, as a miracle baby Although I would be sad if I started to bleed or find out by scan there’s no heartbeat, I know I will be fine as I believe in what’s meant to be! Thank you for your supportive words xxxx

Thank you too for your kind words. I am crossing my fingers for you that all will be well. I've heard of people taking the first tablet and it not working and the baby was fine but in my experience last year the cramps and light bleeding started a few hours before I took the second lot of tablets. Also know that if the pregnancy has passed, you will at know how you really feel and can take that forward. You weren't just thinking about yourself but your other kids as well.

It would be my first after having the termination last year. Looking back at what happened then, I completely panicked, went into auto pilot mode, and didn't process anything then spent the last year picking up the pieces. I'm now halfway through this pregnancy but completely disconnected from the baby and process, and feelings of depression anxiety and panic. I've spoken to counsellors who are totally out of their depth and now a psychologist. I've changed my mind so many times, sometimes in one hour I will change my mind 5-10 times. I am mid late 30s but feel like a teenage pregnancy, it's quite unlike anything I've been through.

It really is a lot easier to give advice when it's not your own situation! Xxx

I have a scan booked in one weeks time which would make me 8 weeks if it has survived and goes into survive. It really is a rollercoaster 🤦🏻♀️ because then I am worried about what it if there is complications or defects I wouldn’t be able to live with myself!

It is much easier to give advice than accept it! My friend said to me don’t take the pill unless your 100% and did I listen!

im so sorry you are going through this, you should be enjoying it as much as you can (I’ve never really loved being pregnant if I am honest) but the sacrifice is worth it at the end!

Hello @WanderWild40 , I am sorry for all the emotional upheaval you've been through in the past few weeks. It's strange that your partner would be happy at first and then drastically change his mind like that. Some people get scared when they don't feel in complete control of a situation, and having a baby always means giving up some control. But love is always a risk, isn't it?

One thing I do know is that if the first pill did not terminate, there is very little change of fetal damage. In fact, a scientific study found that the chance of defect was only a tiny bit higher than in mothers who did not take any abortion pill. Less than one percent. So if your miracle pregnancy continues, you should not have to be on edge about damage to your baby. I will be praying for a happy outcome for you and your family!

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. After I took the first pill, I regretted in within hours and felt devastated. I remember lying awake all night and ringing up in the morning asking what to do... Unfortunately I was told that I had to go through with the rest of the process (which I've since learned is untrue). I'll always wonder what if.
Good luck to you. If the embryo survives then it shouldn't be at raised risk of defects (I don't believe from what I've read at least).

After my experience, I fell into a deep depression unlike anything I've ever felt. I cried every day, lost masses of weight as I couldn't eat or sleep, and tried every type of therapy to 'rid' myself of what had happened. I was also desperate for another baby. I was lucky to fall pregnant easily again after... But once pregnant, similar to others here, I once again found myself full of doubts and negative thoughts.

I rang up and got the pills again. Even after everything I'd been through (to the point where I'd been suicidal).

The only thing that stopped me taking them was the fear of how bad I might feel again after, that there would be absolutely no coming back from it if I did it to myself again. @Orange3344 I was booking appointments up until 16 weeks, and cancelling them on the same day. I didn't even go to my 12 week scan and later just pretended I got my dates wrong. It's shocking to think about now. When I did get scanned, I hoped there would be somehow nothing there.

I only started feeling slightly better some time after 20 weeks. I didn't tell most people I was pregnant until then. I think telling people really helped me connect to the pregnancy. But I'd say even up until the birth I was thinking "what the hell am I doing?!" But I didn't really tell people that I felt like that.

But... It's so cliché. Since he got here it's been easier. He's my third and he slotted in. The older two adore him. I was very worried about developing postnatal depression but it didn't happen. Life is harder, but not bad at all, nothing that I catastrophised about has happened. I feel terribly guilty writing how I felt during my pregnancy with him as I truly love him so much now and the thought of something bad happening to him is horrific.

The termination was in 2023. My baby is about to turn 1. It feels like a strange dream now to write it all out (and there's a few crazy things I've even missed out). I will always wonder about the baby who could have been here, but not in the same deeply painful way I once did. I can honestly say I'm very happy again with my life now.

Sending everybody luck and love. Life is full of tricky decisions and all we can do is try our best.

Thank you, reading this helped. I'm also 20 weeks and still booking and then walking out of the clinic in the middle of appointments. I haven't told a single person about either pregnancy other than my partner, I think because I feel like I'd be losing some control. Our minds really have a way with us. Glad to read your post.

I think when you're pregnant it's such an abstract thing in a lot of ways. It gives you a lot of time for your brain to come up with all sorts of things and everything is 'the unknown'. Once baby is here and it's real you have no choice but to 'get on with it' which for me is easier than an unknown.

It's easier said than done, but at least point I'd really try and embrace it. Fake it til you make it. An abortion at this stage would most likely carry a lot of trauma.
Tell people, watch them get excited for you, buy the pram and the tiny clothes, talk about names. Try and make it real for you.

I don't know your circumstances but certainly there must have been part of you that thought you could make this work.

From a parenting point of view, I'd also encourage you to do what you need to do to make your life easier. You don't have to breastfeed. Use a dummy. Get whatever help you can. Have a C-section if you want to. Whatever is going to help you with your mental health and the mental load.

But mainly honestly, you will be OK. It will get better and won't always feel this terrifying. Lots of people who I'm sure are far less capable and conscientious than you have babies, and most of us are happy with it.

My messages are always open.