This might be a long one but bare with me.
28, Married, 3 bed house, 10 y/o step daughter, 3 y/o daugher, stable jobs, overall happy home, really really pleased with life AS IS.
Prior to having our daughter we went through a traumatic miscarriage at 10 weeks where I haemorrhaged and was hospitalised, we then had to try for a year for our daughter, had a really rough pregnancy (HG and had to have regular iron infusions), had an episiotomy and forceps birth as she was facing the wrong way but labour was only 18 hours start to finish (spontaneous too!) although I do look back and have a bit of trauma and also regrets around the way this went too.
Anyways, to the point .....
I found out I am pregnant last week. We were having unprotected sex as when my daughter was 1 we initially wanted another baby so came off birth control and it took an entire year to get my first period, from that point on it has taken a further 8 months for them to regulate. During that time we have come to the conclusion that another baby isn't what we want. We both feel the same on this. I hadn't gone back on birth control yet as having my hormones straighten out was quite nice and we were using condoms. Last month we had a risky unprotected night and what do you know .... bun in the oven!! I know it was stupid as we don't really want a baby but considering the prior loss and how long it took to conceive out daughter we just didn't think that would happen (lesson learnt).
Anyway, our entire reason for not wanting to keep the baby is that our 3 y/o has started to become much more independent and we are liking that. She was always an easy baby, sleeps well, eats well, very calm and to be honest I think we are quite selfish in the way of we like our sleep etc. I have already phoned the clinic and the pills are coming some time this week but I am having a little moment of wondering is our reason actually a reason or a reservation?
Obviously if we did have the baby we would adore it and would be able to give it a good life but I keep looking at life with how much more we could give the kids we already have without a 3rd and how much more me time I would get without starting over with a baby etc. I spoke to my husband and he feels the same way about not knowing what to do.
It's such a tough decision at the best of times but taking into account our history and also how superficial our reasons are I am starting to question is termination is right. I also feel like I would never be able to 'admit' that I had a termination to my family and friends due to all of the above but also don't feel like I would be very happy or comfortable telling anyone else that I am pregnant even though if we keep it at some point I am obviously going to have to. Also, I know physically there would be nothing stopping me having a baby in the future but something we have always been steadfast on is personally for us our cut off is 30 considering I became a step mum at 18 and my husband a dad at 20 and would like to enjoy life together and do the things we couldn't when younger and kid rearing once the kiddies are grown.
Is this just a normal part of going through the motions with something like this? I am pretty sure a baby is not what I want but I also am not super opposed to the idea, do I just prefer the former? Ugh, help would be greatly appreciated on how I start to understand my mind