Unexpected 3rd pregnancy at 40. Help

[WildlyUnsure]

Hi All,

First post so please be kind. I have two wonderful DC - DD10 and DS8. My husband is quite a few years older than me at 57, we’ve been together over 20 years and have had ups and downs but very much love each other. We’re a tight unit, us and the DC.

I have very unexpectedly discovered this week that I’m pregnant, at 40 (I’d be 41 at birth). Very, very much unplanned and unexpected. I have not yearned for a third child and have always considered my family complete - I know my mental and physical limits and for that, stopping at two children was the right decision for us. Little things like all the school admin, I find a lot even with two to be honest. Being honest, I really did struggle when my children were young and was relieved to see the back of the toddler years, though I had fantastic pregnancies and loved the baby phase / maternity leave.

I am in absolute shock. It would upend our lives enormously to have another child now. I am really enjoying having more independence now my children are older and more independent, they have expensive hobbies and they keep us very busy. I have a busy, senior career, working four days a week and I have my own interests and hobbies. I love to travel and I’m very into fitness and taking care of myself. My husband wants to retire in less than 10 years, ideally at 65. He is fit and well, but has aged considerably in the last 5 years with the demands of work and the DC (don’t we all)!

We are financially stable but only have a three bedroom
house and I don’t wish to move - my goal is to be mortgage free in the next few years which we are on target to be.

Regarding a TOP, I have spoken with MSI and had two telephone consultations; the medical abortion kit is on the way in the post. Me and my husband are aligned on our decision to terminate. Main reason he is too old at 57 to have another and I don’t have the energy at 40 to go back to nappies and sleepless nights. That is my gut reaction to the reasoning.

But I cannot shake the feeling that I have a baby growing inside me so I should at least consider the alternative. Would we cope, would a third just fit in? Do I want it, really? Would it bring joy to our home and would my DC enjoy having a much younger sibling?

Or, am I selfish for even considering it given my DH age? I know he would ultimately support my decision whichever way I want to go, even though it would ruin his plans of an easier 10-15 years ahead!

Not sure what I’m looking for really, maybe some stories, some reassurance and some views on what you would do in my situation?

thanks for reading.

Hi, OP I'm almost 5 weeks pregnant. I've just had a consultation with the midwife and I too am awaiting abortion pills through the post. Ideally I would like to keep my baby but unfortunately I have a child to consider and the bleak reality is I want to give my current DC the best life possible and I'm already a single mum. DC is currently 10 too.

You sound like you have a good life. Your reasons are very valid.

Thanks for replying and I’m so sorry to hear this @Notmyluck - it’s a horrible situation. Is there any scenario you could foreee which would allow a different decision? Sending you lots of hugs.

I do have a very good life and consider myself very fortunate. I’m not sure if it’s my hormones but I’ve allowed myself to consider the alternative (of proceeding with the pregnancy) and now I’m tying myself up in knots. My DH age is a huge factor, my other DCs and my own mental health and capabilities are others. My DCs will be starting secondary school and DH coming up 60 as we’d hit the toddler years and I’m not sure I could cope. I’m someone who likes a clean, de cluttered home, I don’t like lots of mess and noise although obviously I’ve been there and still there to a degree with the DC!

A few of my friends have recently had babies at 38, 40 and 41 - for one, a third baby with a new partner and others their first and when I met them I didn’t get pangs that I wanted it for myself, at any point.

I’m angry that we’ve found ourselves in this predicament. Silly, silly silly.

I fell pregnant by total accident. It was just the once with a guy I hardly know. His reaction has been so bad and he doesn't want to know he told me this before I found out I was pregnant. Point blank! I know it's not ideal at all. However I do feel angry as it's my body and I'm left to deal with the emotional side of it all. Never been caught short up until now. I already have 1 DC to think about.

I would on my own looking after 2 kids. I want better for my child. I've worked hard to try and give DS a good life. I don't want to undo any of that. Tricky when you don't have a crystal ball.

I feel so pregnant even though I'm only early.

I'm so sorry - holding your hand as we go through this. I understanding your reasons too, and they are just as valid. Although it sounds like deep down you may want to take the alternative route?

I would love to hear the views of any others who have been in a similar situation or predicament, I am really struggling with this much more than I initially thought I would as my gut feeling seeing the + test was 'oh my goodness, we absolutely will not be continuing'. Maybe there is my answer? I am now torturing myself looking at social media of families with 3 or more children, the idyllic of it. But that isn't my life, I know that.

There's nothing wrong with giving yourself time to think it over. It's not something you should do quickly, like jumping into a cold pool, just to get it over with. These boards are full of grief-filled posts from mums who didn't allow themselves the time to get over the shock of an unplanned pregnancy and to try to imagine their lives, not just later that year, but in five, ten, twenty years. Many people consider a tattoo more carefully than an abortion- but the abortion can have a far greater impact on your life. Give yourself time, and keep up good communication with your husband, so that you don't feel alone in this. I hope you'll be able to get through this and feel sure, whatever decision you make.

@WildlyUnsure what did you go with after?

I have just found out I am unexpectedly pregnant with baby 2 (third child as have a step daughter who doesn't live full time with us) and not sure what to do. Initial reaction was trying to tell the line on the test to F off hah! I have pills on the way but we too have decided we need to give the idea at least more than a seconds thought and have now found our minds absolutely scrambled! We love our life as is but still feel so confused.

Hope everything has worked out for you

Hope you are ok OP and made or en route to a decision. No personal experience to add unfortunately except being the same age and knowing I would be equally terrified and exhilarated if I had a surprise third pregnancy.

What decision did people come to?

@Notmyluck your story is very similar to mine. Just found out yesterday I’m pregnant with my third. However just come out of a long relationship and this is the result of a brief relationship with someone who has now ghosted me and wants nothing to do. I can only be 5 weeks but I have pregnancy symptoms. I’m ringing bpas this morning. Please share your experiences sending love to all. I can’t believe I’m in this situation, so glad for threads like this so I’m not alone.

@shalalala Sending love.

I went with BPAS also. The midwife was lovely over the phone when she did my consultation. I had a medical abortion. I took the 1st tablet totally and then the remaining tablets vaginally. My bleeding took a while to kick in, I called the advice line and booked a scan in. However I didn't need it as bleeding can take 24 hours to kick in. I also didn't "pass" the clot/pregnancy straight away I think it was a good 4/5 days later. I took 800mg of Ibruprofen and I wasn't in pain but I was just under 6 weeks pregnant at the time. Anything else you would like to know let me know.

On a positive note. I met a wonderful man who I'm now in a relationship at a time when I wasn't really looking to entertain another man. However we have been on some lovely dates and all is going so well. He's so kind and respectful to me. I honestly can say everything happens for a reason and you don't always know what's round the corner.

How old are your DC? Men can be so cruel. So sorry you are going through this.

Do you have a support network? For me I don't and I had my job to consider also as I have very little childcare apart from EOW when DS goes to his dad's.

8 and 3 I have but I don’t want people to know. My best friend knows so wil help me

Did you want more DC before this? Could you manage with 3 as a single parent? Theres so many factors to consider. I hope you do what you feel is best.

No Iv never wanted anymore. Nearly died after having my first and then struggled with my mental health all through the pregnancy and after with my second. I don’t think my mental health could take it and I do feel so guilty. I can already smell milk.

@Notmyluck everything does indeed happen for a reason. What a positive outcome from a difficult situation. You should be proud of your mental clarity I’ve come to believe that women need to hear more positive stories like this to normalise that early choice

@poster I agree. It's a tough call to make. Being a single parent is tough and sometimes it's just not ideal to add another baby into the mix especially if you aren't in a relationship. I have no regrets at all. I would of liked 1 more DC not in those circumstances with someone who is refusing to be involved. It's difficult because I notice there's a lot of regret posts on MN or people seem to be consumed by making the "wrong" choice.

To anybody struggling I would advise to make piece with your choice because you don't have a magic crystal ball to know if it would of been for the best or not. Theres obviously reasons if anybody is considering an abortion in the first place.

@Notmyluck 100%. I would say I was one of those people which will sound even more irrational when I say that the reason I had a termination for a planned pregnancy was because I had a horrific reaction to the hormonal movements and was extremely suicidal - all very out of character for me but saving my life (not least because I was already a Mum) was the most important thing. I do think that the idea that we should regret these things at such an early stage or should feel guilt is manufactured from that mindset that we see in these posts and elsewhere in society.

I’ve gone on to have that 3rd child (with medication to help me combat the hormonal impact) and once the dust settled there I was feeling awful again. There we go - the impact of a society that makes us believe we must feel bad about these things even when there’s an acute medical crisis. When the reality is, at such an early stage, any reason at all is acceptable/ sensible/ appropriate. At that early stage we need to feel empowered as women to do what’s right for us and our families & also to feel peace afterward as, as you say, nobody makes that decision for no reason.

My new mantra - I’m grateful to live somewhere where I had the option of having the choice and having what was life saving treatment for me & I'm proud for putting me and my family first - we matter.

I’ve got my telephone appointment tomorrow. I feel so drained and tired I just want it to be done. Trying to work out when to do it. I’m off this week but I’ve got so much in with the kids.