Unplanned 3rd pregnancy

[Flyra]

Hi,

My partner and I had an accident and I am pregnant with my 3rd (4 weeks). I have 2 children 1.5 and 3 years 10 months. My husband really doesn’t want it and has so many concerns, but I think the main ones are concern about mental health, stress, feeling trapped, lack of support, him having to look after the older 2 on his own while I breastfeed etc. Our oldest child is very demanding emotionally and very active, our second goes with the flow. I need to make a decision soon whether to keep it, feel like it’s a choice between the baby and my husband. So stressed. Has anyone had this?

@Flyra , I'm sorry that you are dealing with a surprise pregnancy. You said how your husband felt, but how do you feel? One thing I can comment on is that I used a baby sling for my daughter's first year, and they are so adjustable that I was able to breastfeed with her in the sling. Of course it would be nice of your husband to mind the other children from time to time so you can just enjoy the time with the new baby (I loved breastfeeding), but it's also nice to know you can manage it and still have hands free. At only four weeks along, you have time to think this through, please don't let your husband rush you into a choice, or make you feel like his wishes are more important than yours. You are the one who will most directly have to live with the consequences of this decision, and if you feel like he pushed you into aborting, your relationship will surely not be the same. I think your children are all nicely spaced in age and will grow up being good playmates. I had two younger siblings and it was a nice family size.

Are you feeling overwhelmed right now? If your husband wanted another child, would you be inclined to have this baby? Is he taking your wishes into account?

Thank you for your kind detailed response. I did use a sling a lot with the others but never successfully managed to breastfeed but I prob didn’t try that hard, that’s definitely an option to rethink. I think if he was excited about it I would be too. A little nervous about balancing it with work. We both work almost full time, I work 4 days a week completely home based. Mainly I am nervous that he will be really stressed making our family less happy overall as it rubs off on everyone else. However I do think it could be fantastic too. He has said he will have it and support me but has a lot of conditions, as I said I thought the abortion process would always leave me with regret, especially when I saw other 3 child families.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. To me it sounds like in your heart you're leaning toward keeping the baby. But you shouldn't think of it as choosing between the baby and your husband. Either way, it's a choice for your family, and when you see other three children families it sounds like you can see your own in that dynamic. I'm sure that your husband loves both your children and he would most likely love the new one just as much. Children do cause work and stress, but they're ours and we love them and it's worth it. You are the one who whose life would be the most affected so if you think you could manage, that's the biggest challenge. If I was you, I'd trust the feelings that aborting would be emotionally very hard to deal with. Do you think your husband might feel better if he had a vasectomy so that you know your family will be complete? What kinds of conditions is he asking for?

Don't be so nervous about his stress levels that you make it more important than your own feelings. Some of us are people pleasers and quietly give in to our partner's wishes far more than they know just to keep harmony. In most of those situations it's not something that really matters, but in this case it's too important to compromise just to look out for his feelings. It's okay to tell him "I am dreading an abortion and what it would do to me, and I would rather have a third child than risk years of grief and resentment, and what it might do to our marriage" if that's how you're feeling. At the very least, give yourself time to think, as you're so early on and can afford to take the time once the initial shock of the pregnancy has worn off a bit. Feel free to "think out loud" here all you need to!