Hi all, this is going to be a very very long post.
Since I found out I was pregnant, it was like an out of body experience. I did not feel the same way, the house I am living in did not feel the same way, my work didn't feel the same way. The idea of continuing the pregnancy was scary and the idea of aborting my baby even scarier. My partner said he'd support me either way, but thought for practical reasons it'd be better to abort - all his points were completely valid and he was just being honest, but I did not want to hear this. Considering we have only been in a relationship for less than a year, that was not ideal either.
I found out very early as something felt off. My PMS symptoms can start even two weeks before my period is due, sometimes only a week before, but I was due in three days and no symptoms at all. I tested and it was negative, so thought nothing of it. Still no period symptoms. The day before my period was due my breasts started hurting just like before my period - except when they start hurting, it takes at least a week for my period to arrive. So on the day my period was due I decided to take another test. It was a very very faint positive. I was not sure whether I was looking at an evaporation line, but never seen anything like this on a any of my previous tests, so took a digital one. Confirmed, I was pregnant.
Unsure what to do I booked an appointment with an abortion clinic. At the appointment with the clinic, I had an ultrasound confirming I was just 5 weeks pregnant. They sent me home without the medication as it was clear I did not really want an abortion, so told me to give it a few days and think about it. I was instantly relieved. Looking back I am thinking I should have taken this into consideration when making my final decision. I had a phone consultation since and was told they thought 'having an abortion would be against my belief' - I am not religious nor anti-abortion or anything - just personally, it is something I couldn't see myself doing, going as far as feeling suicidal whenever I thought about it. My mind kept changing every day, but I felt strongly about keeping it.
Then the morning sickness kicked in, along with extreme fatigue. My work is physical and I work nights - at this stage of my life quitting or changing my job would have been a stupid idea as being financially stable is important to me, especially if I kept my baby, and although I had some savings and my partner reassured me that if I decided to keep it, I could reduce my hours if necessary so he'd support me, it just felt unsafe in case we ended up breaking up and due to same personal family trauma the idea of relying on him for money was scary. The idea of our relationship not lasting and becoming a single mother was even scarier. Suddenly I just felt very negative about keeping it, doubting everything. Work felt like torture, I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep, so exhausted at work I just wanted to cry. I think I became depressed due to how I was feeling physically. I thought to myself - if I am like this when pregnant, how could I cope with a newborn baby? I shared this concern with my partner and again, even thought he still thought abortion would be a more sensible idea, he said 'I'd be there' I thought this kind of reassurance would be enough, but it wasn't.
I booked another appointment with the clinic, thinking a phone appointment would be enough to just send me the pills by post as I'd already had an appointment - But they insisted they had to see me again to know I was sure about my decision. I was getting frustrated as that meant more waiting, and time was running out. I just wanted the pills with me, just in case.
At my appointment, I wanted to sound as sure as possible and said 'I didn't see anything positive about this pregnancy, I was sick and tired and the idea of potentially becoming a single mother scared me' which was enough for them to give me the medication. The nurse wanted me to take the first pill in the room, I refused due to work and also because I really didn't want to take it, at least not yet - so sent me back home with it. I didn't feel relief that I finally had the pills. I felt angry that I had them - my partner kept reminding me that the fact I had them didn't mean I had to take them - even though his opinion on the matter never changed, the choice was for me to make though.
I spent every day mostly sleeping when not working due to extreme exhaustion, and also depression and that sinking feeling that I was unable to make a decision and time was running out. With both options I only saw the negatives. I gave myself a few days to take the pills in case I decided to terminate the pregnancy. The day came, and I wasn't capable of even touching the box of pills. Then another day passed. And another half a day. I didn't feel any wiser, I was just wishing for some kind of sign to show me what to do. Time pressure was crushing me. I felt incredibly anxious and just wanted to sleep and every time I woke up I was hoping I'd know what to do. That never happened, so I just kept thinking 'I'm going back to sleep and maybe I'll feel more sure once wake up again'
Only this time I picked up the box of pills and placed them on my bedside table and fell back to sleep, then I just remember waking up thinking 'you have to do something'
I opened the pack of pills and didn't think, just took the first pill. It was done and too late for anything. Maybe if I forced myself to vomit and called the emergency, they'd still be able to reverse its effects, but it didn't feel like worth the risks to me and that felt unfair to the unborn baby. 'I just killed my baby' I said to my partner who was half asleep. He was in a shock I just did that. He said he did not expect me to take the pills and part of him was hoping I wouldn't. I did not expect to take the pill either.
What scared me the most about medical abortion was the fact you had to wait 24 hours before completing the process and that is just mental torture to me, knowing I'd regret taking the first pill to start with. I was also scared of the pain that would come with the second dose, expecting it to be awful. I went to sleep at night and set an alarm for the second dose. I remember waking up a few times and just shaking thinking about it. Then the alarm went off. I took the strongest dose of ibuprofen and shortly after I took the pills, letting them dissolve in my mouth for over 30 mins, then swallowing the rest as advised.
After 10 minutes I started to get cramps.
The cramps were like really bad period cramps to start with. I asked my partner to fill my hot water bottle for me and just remember that while he was boiling the water and filling the bottle - so in less than 5 minutes, the cramps got so intense I reached for codeine tablets - provided by the clinic to take on top of the ibuprofen in case the pain got bad - hoping it would kick in soon.
In less than 5 more minutes the pain became excruciating and like nothing I've ever felt before - nothing like period pain. I remember I started screaming out loud in pain, and then I had the need to empty my guts out, so just sat in the toilet and everything started coming out, I wasn't bleeding at all yet, just sat there till there was only water coming out of me, and on top of that I started vomiting as well, all of this while in so much pain I was wishing to be in bed instead, but had to just sit there and wait till I emptied myself completely. I then got up and remember just sitting hunched over on my bed with a hot water bottle, begging my partner to make the pain stop and to just kll me, do anything to make the pain stop, to call somebody to give me an injection or something, just to make the pain stop. He kept offering me another doseof codeine but I kept vomiting (I likely managed to puke out the first dose before my body could absorb it) so I refused and just wanted to wait till the vomiting stop but it wasn't stoping. I took the next dose hoping I wouldn't be sick again.
My partner was with me the entire time, flushing the toilet, cleaning the bowl each time after I vomited - trying to stroke my back, asking me if I needed anything, but I just wanted him to sht up and not touch me at all, I remember one point when I got really angry - when the pain reached its peak and I couldn't even scream anymore, I was just sitting there squeezing my bedsheet and said 'The pain is not getting any better' and he responded with 'I can hear it is'
The thing is, the pain didn't come in waves at all, it was constant and it was scary as I had no clue when it would end. I just remember almost passing out from it and trying to sleep through which was impossible, then taking another couple of ibuprofen till it faded enough to be 'just like the worst period cramps I've had' and I fell asleep.
When I woke up the pain was gone, I finally started bleeding and felt a few large blood clots come out while sitting on the toilet. I didn't get a chance to look and see anything, but I am just hoping the process was successful so I don't have to repeat this again.
Only now the pain has faded I started grieving my unborn baby. Yes it was just an embryo, but to me it was more than just that. Now that the pregnancy hormones have gone or got weaker at least, my thinking feels clearer and I can't help but think my mind was clouded by hormones when I made the decision. I am now even thinking being a single mother doesn't sound as bad as it did back then. I feel like I'd do anything to just hold my baby's little hand. I want my baby back. I want to give it all the love I have.
My partner keeps trying to calm me down that our baby is just 'on holiday for now' and we will pick it up in a year or so when the timing is better and we are more ready and financially and practically better prepared. But I just keep worrying that this was a wrong decision. I keep thinking what if it was my only chance, you never know.
What if I have some pregnancy tissue left in my womb and it is not going to go easily, I get infected as a result and will require surgery etc etc and it is going to affect my future fertility...I know I should expect to bleed for a bit at least but feel like this waiting for it to stop is going to be another mental torture, not knowing if things are ok.
I am still processing things. At the moment it feels like I made the wrong decision but it is too late. I am worried I made the decision because I can have self destructive tendencies.
I am sharing this because I feel the need to and maybe also wishing to connect with someone who has gone or is going through the same thing so we can support each other...