Can’t decide and completely terrified

[Sunflower2478]

Hi all,

I’m hoping I can get some support and reassurance, I’m really struggling. Thanks so much in advance for any one who has some kind words to offer.

I am 9 weeks pregnant today. I had my last baby a year ago and I have older children as well. I would like to have the baby but I have a horrific fear of childbirth despite having relatively straight forward deliveries before. Due to my fear of something happening to me in childbirth I have booked an mva procedure next week. The baby would be loved and we could manage financially etc but I’m so scared I’ll die and leave my existing children. I’m well aware this is probably quite irrational but I can’t help where my mind keeps taking me. I really don’t know what to do. If it the the procedure next week the fear will stop but then I’ll be devastated because I want the baby. What a horrible place my mind has taken me to.

Does anyone have some advice for this situation?

Mant thanks

Please help 😭

Hey @Sunflower2478!

So my experience is different than yours but some things about it might help. To preface I have had horrendous prior deliveries.

I recognise my own internal voice in the panic that you’re showing. So I fell pregnant (planned) and completely freaked out for lack of a better term. I was petrified with every ounce of my being. I truely believed I’d ruined my children’s lives and that they were going to lose their Mum through this and not only that but that I wouldn’t be able to keep them safe either. There’s more but the depth of the catastrophising isn’t relevant just the fact that I was. Ironically I became so unwell worrying about all of those things that I because acutely suicidal putting my kids Mum at risk anyway and was advised that medically the only option was termination. The aftermath was horrendous. I was devastated.

I now know but didn’t then that I was suffering from really extreme perinatal anxiety. It was so so real to me, I catastrophised everything and you’ll notice I said up above that I ‘was so unwell’ because that’s what it was. I wasn’t in my right mind and if somebody had only noticed and given me the appropriate help at the time then I might not have ended up in that situation - someone might have saved me from the pain it brought. It sounds like you’re having intrusive thoughts about the birth and you’re believing everything those thoughts tell you.

It sounds like you could love another child and can provide for them. You can’t go back to a position where this pregnancy has never happened. It’s not a reset. That said, you do of course have a choice but it doesn’t sound awful like that’s what you want.

Please seek some mental health help from your GP and/or maternity services. You might need to push to get the right type of help but it should be there. For me if someone had pointed out that it was a mental health problem at the time and helped it would have made all the difference in the world. Help is out there though.

For the record I went on to have another pregnancy with some labour complications but she’s here safely. She’s perfect and of course hasn’t posed a threat to my existing children. Best thing we ever did adding to our family. I had to remind my brain a lot through that pregnancy that its protection methods were misguided. The threat was purely in my mind.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share this, I really appreciate it. Yes I think I have severe anxiety and that’s like my thoughts, I feel like I’m having to choose between this baby and my children losing their mother. I do need some kind of intervention because you’re right if I go ahead I can’t take it back. I have a lovely life really supportive husband and could easily accommodate another but my brain has gone to pieces. I have always had a tendency towards health anxiety but I seem to have gone off the deep end, googling it every worst case scenario. Last time I had a low lying placenta which did move up in time for delivery and I’m convinced this time I’ll get full previa.

It’s terrifying how real that false decision between the baby and yourself feels when you’re in the midst of it. It’s not real though. The mind is scarily powerful.

As patronising as it sounds take a big breathe and try to slow your mind. There’s no major rush here much as it probably feels like it. Notice the thoughts and as hard as it is try really hard to recognise them for what they are. I have ocd but it’s usually very well managed. For me it played a huge part here as well though not that I knew at the time. Obsessing about something like this l and feeling the need to take away that “threat” and have certainty is how it works. There might be other nuances playing in to your health anxiety. Everyone is different but for me understanding what my mind is doing goes a huge way to quietening it.

By all means maybe mention to your GP or obstetrician your concerns about the placenta as well as asking for mental health help and perhaps they will be able to give you some more reassurance. (The reassurance of what I’m sure you know logically yourself but logic struggles when there’s a constant ‘what if’ record playing in your head to contend with)

Thank you..I think I have OCD traits myself. I haven’t been diagnosed but I’m pretty sure. That’s exactly how I feel now I feel like I have to act to take away the threat so I can gain control because I feel massively out of control. And yes I can understand the logical side of things but then my mind wanders and goes on an obsessive loop and all the scary probably largely illogical what ifs.

thank you so much again for taking the time and your kind advice

@Sunflower2478 anytime. Feel free to DM me at any time if it might help. I’ve found the power of speaking to people who’ve experienced similar to be invaluable. Take care and I hope things work out however is best for you. Keep speaking to your loved ones :) X

Thank you so much!

Hey @Sunflower2478 , sounds like you already got excellent advice from Poster57, just wanted to say that I hope you have a good talk with your doctor and see if any of your fears can be calmed. Perhaps a scheduled c-section would be best for you? Not sure if that's something you can do out of preference if its not medically necessary. You sound like a loving mum and I hope things work out for the best.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply and your kind words. I’m still quite anxious but going to have a chat with a doctor in the morning. It really is horrible the places our minds can go sometimes! I feel like I’ve rationalised things and calmed down and then it starts again x

Hi Sunflower2478, how did the chat with the doctor go? Did it make your anxiety better or worse? Or did it help to nudge you toward feeling confident about a decision? Hope you're feeling more peaceful, wishing you the best.

Hey thank you so much for checking in! Much appreciated. The doctor was lovely and very reassuring which has made me feel a bit better, however the anxiety is still there and eating away at me a bit. I came out feeling reassured and it slowly deteriorated. I am still having moments of panic. If I could click my fingers and have the baby I’d do it but this process really upsets me and I’m still terrified of childbirth. I have a termination booked for next Tuesday but I obviously may not go through with it. I’m speaking to a midwife on Monday x

Thank you for the update. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much fear and anxiety. Maybe you should write down a list of what the doctor said so that you can look at it when your worries are overwhelming. It sounds like you've had several normal pregnancies and even though labor is always daunting, it sounds like you don't have circumstances that would make it life threatening for you. See if the midwife has anything else to add that might calm your nerves. It sounds like your heart is ready to welcome another child into your family, and like @Poster57 said, it's common to have a mental health issue that becomes hard to see clearly through. There's no shame in talking to a doctor about intrusive thoughts, fears, and anxieties. Please give yourself as much time as you need to work through this, as the grief from a regretted abortion is horrible. I hope you will be able to put things in perspective and that there will be a happy ending to your situation. Be strong and have faith in yourself.

Hey @Sunflower2478 how are you doing?

Thanks so much for checking in both.

Im not in a good place, I’m about ten weeks now and have walked out of a termination twice but I’m crippled with anxiety and thinking I need to get back into contact and ask for one. I know it’s terrible at this gestation but I’m ill with fear.

@Sunflower2478 im so sorry to hear you’re still struggling so much. Have peri natal mental health been any use? They didn’t help me at all unfortunately but I’d like to think different areas should have a better provision of help (I’m just assuming you’re UK?)

I totally understand where you’re coming from. Much as I’ve suffered anger, guilt, pain regret. I also know deep down that there’s a good chance there wasn’t another option for me even if I had had the correct intervention.

However - it’s not necessarily a quick fix. You could end up in pain mentally if you went through with the termination as well. It must feel such a no win situation. Have you had an impact from the hormones previously? I have heard that for some women it calms after the first trimester..

Thanks for responding..yes it feels like a no for win situation and it’s truly awful. I’m seeing a psychologist on Tuesday morning at the hospital so I’m hanging on to that appointment at the moment and hopefully that will help. I’ve always had bouts of health anxiety but this time it seems to be on another level. My first two pregnancies I didn’t think this way at all and during my third it did a little but nothing to this crippling extent. And yes I’m in the UK :)

I know what you mean, if I went through the “fix” of a termination I’m worried I might regain some kind of sense and then just be overwhelmed with grief and regret but at the moment I feel so disconnected to the idea of an baby and more focussed on trying to escape what I consider to be a threat if that makes sense.