I'm so confused 😕

[Dwscotlandmum]

Hello,
I've recently found out im pregnant. I am 38 yrs old. I have 3 children already 18, 14 and 10. I had ICP with my last child and the whole experience has left me terrified of ever having another baby. I had a termination at 6 weeks about 2 years ago as my mental health took a nose dive because of the PTSD of my last labour etc. I have used contraception religiously since my last child was born and not only has it failed me once it has now happened again. I'm terrified. I've been crying non stop over this. I can't have another termination yet the thought of continuing the pregnancy is making me so upset I can't think of anything else. I'm so worried about getting ICP again. The last few weeks of my last pregnancy were so awful and I was so full of worry and my labour was so awful I felt like I was being violated every 5 mins with people checking me and not being able to move off the bed for hours amd hours. No drinks or food. I wasn't allowed to have any say in my care and was felt completely out of control.It was horrendous. I'm so scared.
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar position? Any help or support would be appreciated.

@Dwscotlandmum I was not familiar with ICP so I looked it up and read a bit about it. I'm so sorry as this sounds like a painful condition and it sounds like you've been through a lot. I was wondering, could there have been any medical advances in the last ten years since you had your ten-year-old that could treat ICP or help with the symptoms? Maybe you could talk to a doctor and see if anything new is available, especially if that's the main factor with you deciding to keep the baby or abort. Make sure you get all the information as things can change. If the ICP was not an issue, would you be open to the idea of another child in your family?

@SilverScales
Sorry I've just replied. I did speak to a doctor when I fell pregnant before and as far as they were concerned it's more of a watch and see if I get it again and then treat or induce if it suitable gestation of course. The thing is my last baby was an Induction because of ICP and it was just awful. It really did put me off everything having more children.
In regards having a child I can honestly say I don't want anymore. My husband however would love one more! But then it isn't him who has to go through everything and the constant anxiety.
Plus I've got a job that works well with our life, finally living a bit which I haven't done for years and years due to a various amount of reasons and financially we are slightly better now and able to do things we couldn't do for years.
It just feels so awful to choose a termination again! I never imagined me having to go through it once let alone twice. It's just so sad.

Ughh, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you are dreading either path. You already know the pain of an induced birth and the pain of dealing with an abortion. At least your three children are old enough that they can be largely independent and be helpful if there was a new baby in the house. If they don't already do jobs around the house like cleaning, laundry, and dishes, maybe it's time to give them more responsibilities. That could make life a little easier for you if you had a little one. And although it is ultimately your decision you should take your husband's feelings into account too, as he may take another termination very hard if, to him, this is a very much wanted child.

I had an (unplanned) c-section with my first child as labor was progressing so slowly. I was wondering if because of your past issues you could have a planned c-section. Would that take some of the anxiety off your mind if you knew you could have a much less painful birth? I feel like this already would have been discussed with you if it was an option, but it's worth finding out if it would be available in your situation. Keep up good communication with your husband and I hope you can find your best path forward.