Nikah to Moroccan

[Lapelpenny]

Hello I need help with my situation. I was with Moroccan man, only did private nikah with me, not legal marriage and now hes uttered talaq to me and I didn’t want this - he always made me believe we would always see through any negativity and arguments. But alas he isn’t the man of his word. But the only thing is now I am pregnant. He said I should get an abortion. How can he say this... we are both Muslim. And abortion is not an option. I am not Moroccan and back to my homeland. I told his mum and she hasn’t responded to me. I can’t force him to be with me. But there’s gotta be more than being a single mom…. How can men get away with this type of behaviour?
public image is a lot to him. Perhaps I should tell his extended family and friends of what his position is on our child? This type of attitude is not supported in Islamic Moroccan conservative society. He thinks he has no consequences to face because I am a foreigner.
what shall I do?

Hello @Lapelpenny , I'm sorry that the man you married is now trying to cut ties with you and force you to abort. It sounds like a good thing that you will get away from a man such as this. Where is your home country? Do you have family that can help support you as a new mother? Do you think his extended family would be helpful? You might want to go to a pregnancy center, where you can have a free scan and find out what aid is available to you. In most countries fathers are required to provide financial support to children they helped create. I'm not sure if he is going back to Morocco or where he lives now. But I would start at a pregnancy center and get good advice. Don't let him take away everything from you, even if the marriage will not last, you can still have your son or daughter as the one good thing from this relationship. If you let me know your town/country I can try to find somewhere you can get an appointment for help and options. Again, I can't imagine the emotions you've been through and hope you will be okay.

@SilverScales it is definitely a lot to experience at the moment and I’m just trying to hold onto my dignity. I want to say so many things to him but I know it will fall on deaf ears and leave me looking like a fool.

he is Moroccan and I am from the UK. We were planning of legalising our union in Morocco next month. I had prepared all the paperwork’s required from the UK. He’s never been to the UK, never tried. Over the couple of years we’ve been together I visited like 9 times. I’m just so confused how he’s able to do this. And turn cold on me within a few hours changing all his social media and declaring himself single within a day of saying talaq to me.

i almost feel ashamed of myself. I can’t believe this is happening.

I’ve since read about Moroccan marriage scams. I wonder if I didn’t pan out as he planned IF that were ever his intention (possibly wanting to come to the UK) or not enjoying the fact that I was holding him responsible to look after me as opposed to his idea that I’m independent so I wouldn’t rely on him etc and he just saw I’m not easy. Maybe that contributed to the break.

I have anxious attachment and I find myself always looking for reason to somehow blame myself but I know in reality I haven’t done anything unhealthy of any married couples.

I wasn't familiar with Moroccan marriage scams so I looked it up and read a little bit about it. It's hard to say if this is what happened to you. Did he ever ask for money? Usually if you only get married in a church but don't fill out legal paperwork, you are not recognized as married by your country and can't try to take half your partner's possessions in a divorce. You've known him for years but apparently these romance scams can be elaborate and go on for years. Maybe he was going to use the marriage to get UK citizenship like you said. It's always a risk to be in a relationship, you still have your dignity no matter what he does. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he is the one who should be ashamed of using someone as he did. Just wondering, were the two of you trying to conceive?

I would say don't be too hard on yourself, I'm sure he seemed sincere and so many of us are trusting souls (myself included). It sounds like you might just want to make a clean break from this man and start a new chapter in your life. Can you manage without money from him? It's hard to know if his family was in on the scam, or if they would genuinely care about his child.

@SilverScales i just never suspected being a victim of a scam. Initially he swept me off and paid for most things but by the third visit it was like can you help…. Which grew to we can’t do this or that because he didn’t have a lot of money (all the while when we are apart telling he is busy and working etc) so it made no sense when were together and heavily limited with choice on outings etc. don’t get me wrong I have my means and can pay for things. But I also made it clear to him as a husband there is a role I love a respect and he needs to cover that aspect. He was always assuring but words didn’t match action.

he never took initiative to start visa process as a visitor to the UK but his tone changed when he would say why don’t you apply for me it will make things easy etc. I did tell him clearly UK immigration was tightening and I do not meet the income threshold. And it’s mostly likely not possible for spousal visa but can visit nonetheless. But on his part he didn’t keep a consistent job consequently not proving consistent income through his bank acc- all of which are so necessary to satisfy the UK immigration process but he always moaned about the process involved and never sought to put the effort in. Eventually I said I would relocate to him get a remote job and we can, alas, be together. He seemed cool with the idea but here we are… going through the religious divorce process.

we weren’t trying to conceive per say but he didn’t stop himself from unprotected sex. I am more relaxed as for me in marriage all is fine and possible. Why would I feel ashamed or bad about that. That’s one of securities of marriage.

@Lapelpenny I'm so sorry that he turned out to be dishonest and cruel. No one should be lied to and used like that. I am glad you'll be getting away from him and hope you'll find someone who loves you like you deserve to be loved.