Abortion…struggling with my decision.

[chellexx]

Please no mean or judgemental comments, I can’t handle that right now.
I found out I was pregnant and I’ve been conflicted ever since I found out, my partner did not and does not want this baby, I don’t feel like I ever had the chance to think about what I wanted because of the stress coming from his side, eventually I said I want to keep it and he said he can’t be with me or be involved. The next day I was filled with dread, anxiety and thoughts of abortion that I thought, maybe I’m just keeping the baby in hopes he’d stay and we’d be a family unite. So I called him and told him I’ve changed my mind. I think he’s right and it’s best to terminate for now. There was no surgical appointments via the NHS for weeks so he went private and paid, that really reiterated to me how badly he does not want this.. my abortion is next week and our relationship is extremely rocky and I feel once I go through with this we will be over and I won’t have that attachment either if I had kept the baby.
im very sensitive and empathetic in general and im finding when im alone i keep crying, I keep thinking what if, but i know like i said if i did choose to keep, the dread and anxiety i felt was overwhelmingly awful.
im just scared this might destroy me, but i know keeping would destroy me just as much… i guess what im asking is, is this overwhelming guilt and grief leading up to the abortion normal? I hope I don’t feel like this forever. I know it’s the right decision, it’s just such a heartbreaking one.

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If you want the baby then can you keep it and go your own way? Make the decision that you want and stick with it. You relationship sounds over as you said either way so keep the baby if that’s what you want. Good luck in your decision. Also, you can get nhs referral for free so you shouldn’t need to pay for this privately and you can have counselling also.

@Clangershomethats the thing, I don’t know what I want. By the time I’d make the decision I’d be ready for birth. I know there’s a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t and we have already ‘decided’ I can’t keep changing my mind it causes arguements. Like I mentioned in my post I decided to keep it, over night and by the morning I did not want to keep the baby anymore. I’m so in out in out and I don’t have time anymore. Also mentioned in the post he paid because nhs waiting times for a surgical abortion is weeks. I can’t wait that long else I will keep it. I won’t be able to go through with it so he paid privately at a BPAS clinic to get it done quicker.

Yes difficult if you don’t know what you want. I thought it sounded like you were going with his wishes. Try to really think if you want a baby and if the answer is yes then go for it, with or without him. But ultimately it is up to you. How far along are you? You said you didn’t have much time? In terms of the relationship though you can have a baby on your own if that’s what you want. As you sounded like it was over anyway. Have you anyone to talk to like family?

@Clangershomei have one friend and she thinks I should terminate as she thinks our relationship is a dead end and she doesn’t like him. My mum is not really in my life like that, I don’t really have any support or anyone to talk to and my partner only says he doesn’t want it. He said in his head the baby is ‘a load of rubbish’ he’s so insensitive about the pregnancy. All I know is I’m feeling so much grief and I’m scared how il feel after

Crikey. Ask bpas for counselling as it is included. You can get a free referral for bpas if you ask your local nhs provider for a reference number. you should really speak to someone else in person, have you anyone else you can talk to? Or the gp? How old are you?

@Clangershomeok. I’ll try that. I mean, my appointment to terminate is in a few days and I’m not sure they’ll do it as I think il just cry. I feel so lonely and sad and full of grief it’s awful. I’m 29 years old.

I’m not sure what to suggest other than to keep it and bring it up yourself. You must talk to someone face to face xx

Hi, @chellexx. I've been in your boat and felt everything you did, absolute fear and lonliness with a very cold unsupportive partner. Please do not make a decision out of panic though, and especially not to please someone else!! Take extra time if you need it, and if you can. If you are not more than 50% sure, you might regret. Regret comes when women feel pressure from others and/or the decision is not their own, either way.

I chose to go it alone, which was a very difficult decision to come to, BUT for me he was the only negative thing in the equation, so I removed/aborted him. I realised if he was more supportive, I'd have been happy and that said an awful lot to me. I just knew I would be someone who would not cope mentally with the alternative, and it was not unwanted by me. He made his decision and there's been no contact. After seeing his lack of empathy etc. I couldnt unsee it, and we will never be together again. Everyone's situation is different, I have good support and decent job etc, and what's been right for me, wont be for others. Im also a lot older, so I saw it as my chance/opportunity. You do need to consider your circumstances. Please know that there's support out there, I got the free counselling and it helped me think through ALL my options , which I thought through intensively, to visualise my life in a years time (or 5) if I went with either path, and to think about what I'd regret the most.

You'll find your way and you'll make your decision on what's right for you, but please don't put other peoples feelings before your own. Also, relationships/men come and go...and regardless of outcome, it's unlikely a relationship can survive this.

Good luck, talk to someone other than your friend, and take time out for you. It's a horrible place to be in, wishing you the best.

@chellexx how are you doing? Please give yourself time to make this choice, so many women wish they could go back in time and really think things through with a clear head. Do not let yourself be pushed into this abortion, that is not the definition of "choice." If you've already done it, I hope you're coping okay.

@chellexx Hi, did you ever discuss if your partner ever wanted kids at all? What did you do in the end?

@NotmyluckHi! I’ve not really responded on here because I’m incredibly guilty of my decision. Yes my partner did want kids, When we had a loss he was upset, but when I fell pregnant again he categorically did not want the baby. I had an abortion. I am still struggling with my decision today, if I ever do fall pregnant again I will never have an abortion and I wish I never did it

@Notmyluckalso, the process all together for me was about 8 weeks because I also ended up with retained tissue and had to have two MVA’s. It was very traumatic.

@chellexx thanks for your response. I found out I am pregnant yesterday. I actually can't believe it. I feel like I'm swaying to having an abortion as the father would not be involved at all. The process of an abortion seems so daunting. I hope you are OK and make peace with your decision.

@Notmylucksounds like you are in the same situation I was… I go over it time and time again, the dad may change his mind over time. One thing that really did hurt me is my partner did say that if I kept it, he wouldn’t have been able to stay away, because it would be his DNA. But obviously he didn’t want me to keep it. He said this after. Think deep into your decision, if I knew I would feel the way I do today, single or not I would have kept it

My mind is running away with me. I feel embarrassed and scared people would judge me. As I'm not in a relationship with the guy. He's basically just disappeared and blanked me. So that's adding pressure too, he said some pretty hurtful things. I'm 5 years older than yourself and I'm just thinking is this meant to be is it a blessing. I know he could change his mind. I wish we could just discuss it together I know it's not ideal. He just said he doesn't want a child and how it would be a nightmare. I feel terrible.

@Notmyluck same situ, I'm keeping mine, so far all ok and I do not miss him one bit. Moron, and I can't believe he isnt who I thought he was. Preparing for solo life, but I'm not young with time, and no other kids, decent job etc. so this is likely my only chance realistically as fertile window probably closing. One and done. Everyone's circumstances are different though, but as OP said weigh everything up and no matter what you decide it will hopefully be right for you at this current moment in your life.

@chellexx so sorry you are feeling the way you are, hoping everyday gets a bit brighter for you.

@chellexx I don't want to make you feel worse. It could be that you and your partner want different things. You are young and you can try again when the times right. I would consider calling your relationship a day after this though.

@BeRedBiscuit I have 1 DC already. If I had no child to consider. I would hold the same mindset as you and keep 100%. I hope it all works out for you.

@Notmyluckthank you 🤍

How are you coping now lovely? “ single or not I would have kept it” I feel that In my bones. 2 days post medical and I feel a chunk is missing. It’s so hard to cope with everything when your partner, the person who should have been there for you isn’t and pushes it more onto you.

Im so sorry you’ve been through this and for your loss, as much as it was a choice it doesn’t quite feel like one does it? 🫂 yet if we had miscarried we would be treated differently.

I hope you have a network of support around you in this difficult time ❤️

It’s a decision I will never forget, I still catch myself walking down a shop aisle thinking ‘what if’ but I’m okay, I hope you are too! It’s not an easy decision by any means. I’m sorry you went through the same thing as me