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Pregnancy choices

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Living with regret over my choices

4 replies

por1993 · 11/06/2025 00:38

I recently had a MA.
To put things into perspective, I had been dating a man 20 years older than me. I had been feeling slightly fed up of the relationship and was thinking of walking away before I found out I was pregnant.
I am 31. He said he would support me whatever I decided but he really did not want a child as he already has 4 older children, I have none.
I had been seeing him for a year but our relationship did not start off on good terms. We have been on and off after him cheating and other stuff (including drinking a lot of alcohol). He knew I always wanted a child but still pursued me and when it happened he said he didn’t want it but would support me (if that would have lasted).
I felt trapped into a corner. My parents didn’t approve of him but wanted me to keep the child and raise it alone, however that wouldn’t have worked as he has a large family who are well known and they all knew. My options were, stay with him and try to raise the child although I would have got fed up with the drinking and most likely lack of support. Bring the child up on my own which quite frankly I could have done but then I know he wouldn’t have let me move on as he has a history of violence so I was worried he would stop me.
I was also thinking that my child would have an older father and they would have to suffer the heartbreak of that. I honestly felt like I had no other option but I have always wanted a child.
I feel regret over the abortion because I feel like I have been selfish and evil and it goes against everything I have ever believed in. I am a churchgoer and I just can’t believe I have done this but my future was looking rather bleak.
Since the MA he said we made the wrong choice but he has said he loves me so much but definitely no children, so I have now decided to end it.
I was just looking for some advice on whether I did the right thing with the MA. I am honestly traumatised and just keep thinking of the ‘what ifs’

OP posts:
por1993 · 11/06/2025 00:48

I was also worried about being tied to him and his family forever. I thought if I had the child I would ruin his life as he didn’t want it and would struggle to move on if I did. I don’t know why I was thinking so much about him before I did it but I feel like I was pressured into it. I also thought that if I stayed with him I would be super miserable bringing the child up around alcohol and in a relationship I knew wasn’t going to last and that would have put my life back a few years not giving me the chance to meet someone who wanted the same things as me.

I just feel so selfish and full of regret

OP posts:
por1993 · 11/06/2025 00:50

I also thought if I ever did manage to find someone else then it would put people off with the child having such an older father. All of these thoughts running around my head and I just feel like I chose the wrong option of getting a MA instead of facing up to my consequences

OP posts:
BeRedBiscuit · 11/06/2025 13:07

@por1993 please don't beat yourself up, you made a decision that was right for you at the time, plus no offence he sounds awful and you deserve so much better!! Put yourself first now going forward and I'm sure you will also now know what you want (willing to put up with) in a partner going forward, and will choose differently. I was in a similar boat, so I know the anguish and lonliness you must have felt, but I'm much older than you and this is likely my only chance, so age impacted me, plus the 'sperm donor' although a total waste of time, doesn't have the characteristics/life you mention. You have lots of time to go on and meet a wonderful man who will share your dreams, and I think you did the best for you. You are now free from him for life! Please be kind to yourself because your hormones will be all over the place , and reach out for counselling if needed.

ByDreamyMintNewt · 11/06/2025 19:40

31 is still young. Find someone who wants a family with you and put that love into it. Be grateful that you don't have to have this man in your world forever. It sounds like you made a difficult but sensible decision, not selfish at all. Just because it hurts doesn't mean it was wrong.

Give yourself time and grace. Be kind to yourself. Try and make some plans for the future and spend time doing things you enjoy. It will take time but I promise it will get better.

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