Marriage after abortion

[OneTealHiker]

Last month I had an abortion at 5 weeks at husband's urging. We have two DC and when I found out, he immediately said that he did not want to keep it, but I did. DH has been under a lot of stress as I had just started back working and was no longer a SAHM and we were preparing for a move across country. After daily conversations about the baby, and a bit of anger and annoyance on his part as well as my mother suggesting I shouldn't keep the child, I did a MA. As soon as I took the first pill, I regretted it and I have longed for my baby back since that day. I would like to try for another baby in the near future, but DH is firmly against it. Part of me feels that I was manipulated and that I gave up part of myself for my DH's happiness and that he wouldn't do the same for me. I don't know if I should continue on in my marriage or seperate. It's hard to look at my husband at times, and there's a smoldering anger that I feel towards him, I feel so alone in my grief, and it seems like he has expected me to get over it. I guess my question is, how have your marriages been effected after abortion?

Great question. My situation was a little different than yours. Really long story short: I had a horrendous reaction to the hormonal shift during a planned 3rd. Peri natal anxiety and depression took over. I was suicidal, I was also 5 weeks.

The impact on me in the aftermath was horrendous.

Anyway - I viewed my husband as being supportive at the time but actually he was shocked as I’m usually the strong one and in a panicked state he supported my anxieties instead of me. He was very negative instead of helping me see that I wasn’t remotely acting like myself. I had such resentment for him and it took me so long to even manage to articulate to him in a way that he understood. He was so against number 3 and couldn’t comprehend what I’d actually been through and what part he played for a long long time.

Anyway, more than a year has passed. This might be unhelpful but my story is that I’m sitting here with my 1 month old baby in my arms. I can understand more clearly what happened to me (to a degree, there are things I will never ever understand!) Sometimes if I’m annoyed at my husband there’s still part of me that can’t help but remember, part of me that’s able to recognise those negative panicked behaviours in him now when I couldn’t before and if I’m honest that touch of resentment. However - things have moved on, I’m very glad we’re still married & it took us time but we got on the same page and understood some of what had happened. I also felt that anger that I was the only one grieving, that fury that I always bend whereas I didn’t feel he’d have done the same for me. I didn’t know if we’d survive that first 6 months but then I didn’t know if I would.

I guess that’s a long way of saying I don’t have any advice. I know that all marriages are different but that was my experience & I certainly recognise a lot of the feelings you’re having now. 1 month is so so soon after the procedure and there’s so much to settle yet. I really hope you can get to the point where you see eye to eye. For me it took 3 months for my husband to understand what part he played and at that it hit him all at once.

My marriage is ruined because of it. Prior to it we were desperately in love. I pray so much to be pregnant and hope it heals us. I pray so so much

I do worry it’s not same baby though so will it help? I’m desperate to feel better it’s been 7 months. Worst 7 months of my life. Suicidal. Stood on bridge almost jumped. Please god I pray I’m pregnant I’m 40 now

I am also praying for another pregnancy, I really wanted to have my baby. I shouldn't have listened to the outside negativity

It won't be the same baby, but it could be another chance to do better. Please take care of yourself, and try to find moments of joy in everyday life. Do not end your life, you are loved. You are also wonderfully and fearfully made, do not give up. Even if another baby is not yet in your cards, it does not mean that you cannot share your love with the world in some way. I'll be praying for you

I am happy that your situation turned out well and you were able to have another baby! Did you have to convince your husband to try again or was he on board after he realized the err of his ways?

He was on board after he had his eyes opened and realised what had happened. He quickly couldn’t believe that he ever felt otherwise and was actually a good support for me when my brain was trying to sabotage me at various points. We had always always wanted 3. I realise I'm very fortunate that she’s here now.

Hi, sorry I know this is an older thread, but what did you do? My story sounds very similar to yours, I feel the same way (except I had my abortion in March). As the months go on I just resent my husband more and more. I have such hate and anger towards him and wish I had been stronger and kept my baby everyday. I want to ask him to leave for a while until what would have been my due date passes. Did you stay or leave?

I’m still with him, but I’m severely unhappy. I’m a shell of myself. I moved across the country for him where I have no one and it hurts. I’m lonely and although I have two other children, I feel empty