Hello,
I am 5 days post medical abortion. I terminated the pregnancy at 10 weeks - the last day possible for a MA. I was still so unsure what to do, hence leaving it until the last possible moment - my partner did not want another child (we have two wonderful children and we’re both over 40). I was worried about the idea of another child but I was open to having the baby and felt very uneasy about having an abortion, but on the other hand I didn’t want to risk the stability of our family unit if my partner was against having the baby. On the day I had to take the first pill I sat there staring at it, still 50:50, crying and not knowing what to do and then I took it, thinking I was doing the best for the family in the long run. I was so sad that day and that night cried to my partner that I thought I had made the wrong decision but that the baby was probably already dead. The next day, like a zombie I took the second set of pills and cried endlessly and knew I had made a mistake but could not stop it then. The process was more painful than I anticipated. The next day I passed the foetus and I held it in my hands and screamed at myself a deathly scream, that I was in disbelief that I had done this - it felt like I was in a nightmare. I buried the foetus in the garden - I couldn’t flush it or put it in the bin and I wanted to always be near my baby. I am devastated, I regret the decision and I fear that it has impacted my family unit more than having the baby would have - I cannot look at my partner, who offered me no encouragement or support if I chose to keep the baby - I felt backed into a corner to make this decision and I am worried I will never feel the same about him now. My other two children are sponges and are picking up on my sadness, even though I try to put a brave face on in front of them. I wish I had not taken what I thought was a convenient option of pills at home - I wish I had gone to a clinic and had to say truthfully to someone that I was not 100% on board with this and they probably would have said not to go through with it. I also think the surgical route may have been safer - the blood I am passing absolutely stinks and I’m worried I have an infection or stuck placenta, so I will have to go to the doctor about that. I am sure the hormones are not helping with these very raw feelings but I wanted to share my story that if you are in the same position and logic is telling you one thing but your gut another, trust your gut. I took the pill on a weighted average of opinion - 100% my partner for + 50% for me but I should have based this decision on the heart, not logic. I hope someone finds this helpful, as I never want anyone to feel this loss if they are in doubt of what to do.