Being made to chose between relationship/abortion

[Clairelh87]

Hi, I’ve never ever wrote in chats like this before.
I would really like some advice from maybe people that have been in/going through this situation.
back story.
I have a nearly 7 year old from a previous relationship and a just turned 1 year old with my boyfriend.
i found out I was pregnant and currently I am 11 weeks pregnant.
when I first told my boyfriend he wasn’t happy but all he would say was “I don’t want another baby” but when we where on holiday (where I found out) when he had a drink he was like “are we doing this then”
anyway when we got back from holiday and on my sons first birthday after my son went to bed he said “what are we doing then” I said we will be okay he said he doesn’t want the baby and if I chose to keep the baby he will leave me because he doesn’t want another baby.
I said to him why did you say them things to me on holiday and he said sorry I shouldn’t have said that when I had, had a drink.
I feel like I can’t split my family up and leave my son without his dad.
but I am torn I feel like I can’t get an abortion either I went for the first appointment to see how far I was yesterday and they said 11 weeks and you are not meant to see the scan but I could because she had glasses on.
she also made a comment about it moving around.
now they can’t give me a surgical abortion because I will be over there amount of weeks they will do it, so I have been referred back to bpas.
I have done nothing but cry when I am on my own.
I can’t talk to boyfriend because he said he has no attachment to it because it’s unwanted and I will be fine.
he’s not supportive at all.
I feel so low it’s hurting me.
I don’t think I can go through with the abortion but I am scared I won’t cope on my own with a newborn and will be 17/18 month old.
what would be peoples thoughts on this??
please I would appreciate advice.
thank you very much xx

Claire, I'm so sorry that your boyfriend is being like this. I'm assuming that on holiday, he chose to not use birth control when you had sex? But then he just casually says he was drunk and that abortion is the only way forward? That's just awful. He knows how children are made and if he didn't want to use protection, he knew that a baby might result. It's not fair that only his wishes be taken into consideration. I can't believe he is being so unfeeling! To just say "You'll be fine," as if you're having a tooth out? That is brutal. This site has so many posts from women who are trying to recover from abortions, and when a woman didn't want the abortion in the first place, it's always traumatic. You are an equal part of this couple, and you would be the one who would have to go through the abortion-- he has no right to say that's his decision.

Let him know that no matter what happens, things are not going to be the same. If he ordered you to abort, you are no longer going to feel the same way about him romantically. If he thinks abortion is a reset button that makes everything go back to the way it was before the pregnancy, he's mistaken.

He doesn't have to stay with you, but in most countries, fathers are mandated to provide financial support for their children. You can let him know that you would plan to get child support from him.

There is a chance that once the new baby comes, he would love him or her just like the child you already have together (and hopefully your older child too). Some men have expressed relief that their partner held firm and did not abort.

Either way, you will have to decide if staying with this man who is not listening to you during this extremely important time is what you want to do. From what you've written, he's being controlling and unkind to you.

I think you meant you would need a surgical abortion because usually medical (via pills) is up to ten weeks and you're past that. They would probably do a vacuum style (suction) abortion. If that is not what you want to do, I hope you will be as assertive as you can be, and try to find another way. A pregnancy center may be able to help you figure out your options. They will also let you see the scan if you wish. I'm sorry that the man who is supposed to love and care for you is treating you like this, Claire.

I found out I was pregnant the day I went on holiday. We stayed on holiday for 4 weeks. So by the time we got back from holiday I must have been about 9 weeks.
on holiday when he had, had a drink he would say if you think we can do it then we will do it. And he said this a few times when he had, had a drink. He also said he didn’t want another baby when he was sober.
when we got back from holiday the subject didn’t get mentioned and I had my booking in appointment booked in for the 6th.
on the evening of my sons first birthday the day before the booking in appointment he sat down and said what are we going to do.
I said I am keeping it. He said I don’t want a baby and if I kept it he would leave me because it shows we have different wants.
I said to him so you only want your son and you wouldn’t see the new baby he said obviously I would because I wouldn’t be able to see son without seeing baby.
he also said it’s my choose he can’t make me do what I don’t want to do.
but the threat as I class it was has already been said.
since this has happened I can’t look at him in the eyes and I don’t have the same feelings for him anymore.
I am imagining my life as single and I can now see so many positives in being on my own and the life I can make.
I don’t think we will ever be the same again.
I’m sad that all I have done is stand by him even after all the hurt he has caused me since I have met him.
I know he really doesn’t want the baby because if we are ever out and about and anyone asked are you having any more children his response is no deffo not.
I think it’s me he doesn’t like and I am sure if was with someone else after we split he would have another child.

Oh, thanks for clarifying, I see what you're saying now- he seemed to consider the idea of another baby while you were on holiday but afterward he was negative about it.

Ughhh, I don't know what to say, other than that I'm so sorry he's treating you this way when you already have one child together and thought you were building a life with him. You said he's caused you a lot of hurt since you've met him so maybe he is not good for you, not giving unselfishly as a partner should. Or maybe he's been abusive or manipulative. Can you get by on your own? It sounds like this might be a good time for a fresh start. I would have a hard time feeling intimate with someone who is acting like this as well. If you do leave I hope you can get financial support from him, because it's the responsibility of both parents to take care of their children. Be strong for your own sake and for your children. You deserve better than him.