Hi, I’m just writing this on here to see if anyone has been in the same situation as me and can offer some help. I am completely alone in this.
I had a medical abortion around 5 weeks ago. It was the hardest and most distressing decision of my life. I have three young children 6 and under already with my husband.
I found out through a doctor, as I had to have a blood test for the cause of irregular periods, I did not expect to be pregnant again at all, so it was a shock. When I told my husband his initial reaction was that we couldn’t keep it. Whilst in my head I had already planned my whole pregnancy out and how we would cope. I was shocked but happy.
I had to go for a scan shortly after as they thought it might have been ectopic, the lady scanned me and pointed to the screen and said all’s ok and there is a tiny baby, I just burst into tears…Seeing it made me want to keep it. (I wish she hadn’t have used those words as I was only 6 weeks and they are all I can hear now)
My husband’s opinion didn’t change, he kept saying we couldn’t afford it, we couldn’t cope, life’s hard enough already, what about work, our car, we can’t afford to rent somewhere bigger etc. He tries his best but generally isn’t very patient and finds it hard to cope with the three we have already.
All I kept thinking of is that it was a life, it would grow into our child. I think women have the right to choose, but for me personally I just never thought I could mentally go through with an abortion. I let my emotions run away with me, whereas sometimes I feel he just doesn’t get attached and finds it easier.
I cried for two weeks, I asked for advice on here and people said it wasn’t a baby and that I was selfish for wanting to prioritise my pregnancy over my other children, that I would ruin their lives by having another child when I didn’t have to. Those comments made me feel awful.
My husband said the longer I left it the harder it would be. That he wasn’t holding a gun to my head but he didn’t want this baby.
so I planned time off work, the only time I could realistically take the first pill was Mother’s Day, which was a shit time to do it.
Then going through it on the Monday on my own was awful.
Anyway basically it’s been all this time and I’m still bleeding, still feeling down. Emotions are literally all over the place. I have this crippling guilt everyday, looking at my other children and thinking about what that one would have looked like. Thinking about how many weeks I would be now (I would be having my scan this week)
I have this empty feeling inside, like I should still be pregnant. I feel so sad that this pregnancy wasn’t met with a happy reaction, I feel so sorry for that baby for not being wanted. I know that doesn’t make sense, as it was barely an embryo yet.
I just feel grief but don’t feel like I deserve to grieve as I made the choice. I keep replaying the abortion in my head and I feel like I desperately want my baby back and feel like something missing. I hate myself for not being stronger but also know I probably wouldn’t have coped, I wouldn’t have felt like I was able to give my other children the time and attention they need. The minute I wasn’t coping with pregnancy or a new born, my husband would have said I chose it.
I see a pregnant woman or baby at the school gates now and I just burst into tears.
I feel really alone. My mum knew but doesn’t really agree with abortion and finds it hard to talk about things in general, she’s quite a distant mum emotionally, I’ve tried talking to her but feel like she’s uncomfortable and wants to change the subject. My husband doesn’t know what to say, other than that he thinks I hate him now. Which makes me feel more guilty.
The only other person to know was my sil as she watched the kids while I went for my scan, she left that day and I haven’t heard from her since. No how are you or anything.
Has anyone else felt this way? Is the bursting into tears and feeling so emotional mainly hormones, does the guilt go away a bit. I just don’t know what to do.
(Also people were so mean on another post and said I should know about birth control by now etc, so just to say I was on the pill which I think left my system due to early to a celiac flare up that made me very ill, I have since asked about the coil)