Termination regret a year on

[Tinydancer222]

Hi
i have posted on her many times supporting women when they needed help and I guess it's my turn to ask women for help. There seems to be no support for post termination without a religious organization been involved. I'm turning 39 this year and I'm still single . I had my termination a year ago at 38 due to the dad not wanting involvement or would financially help. I quit my job just before I got pregnant and I was also in debt . The pregnancy was completely unplanned. I really didn't want to have the termination but felt I had no choice . My dad also wasn't involved in my life and I know how much that affected me . Having no job the dad walking away it broke me the thoughts of my child coming into the world with a depressed mother an absent das and how would I support the child. I screamed and begged for my child back after I done the termination and I have never experienced pain and grief like it . It's been a year I have a job now and am going back to college to get my second degree . I'm about to turn 39 and I feel physically sick when I think of whah I done and what if I don't meet someone to have a family with . What if that was my only chance to have a baby . I want a family with a mother and father together . That's what I've always wanted . So I only want to have a baby that way . I feel so scared and so alone and trying to make peace with what I done . I done it out of love . I put my child's needs before my desire to be a mother . I couldn't bare the thought of the child asking for their dad and me saying he doesn't want to know you . Me being so depressed . I feel like my life is so messed up now . How do you move on knowing I may never get my baby back ? 🥹

Hi TinyDancer. You certainly have been a very faithful voice on this forum. It was brave of you to share your story here, and to be so honest about the pain you're feeling, in a lot of your posts.

I wish I knew how to get peace back in your life after an abortion. There seem to be two sides, the pro-choice side saying "You did nothing wrong so there's nothing to feel bad about, you made what you felt was the best choice at the time, so you have to trust in yourself and your list of pros and cons." The pro-life side has a message more like "You made a morally wrong choice and there's no way to go back and reverse it. But you are worthy of forgiveness and to heal from what has happened." I think both sides agree that even after a termination that you chose to do, you have the right to grieve for the child you lost, for the path of parenthood that is either delayed or never coming for you. You might want to consider which angle would be of greater help to you-- blamelessness, or forgiveness. Or both.

I think you should still have hope, especially if you feel like you could love a child that you have adopted or taken into foster care. There are no shortages of children who need a loving home, who could receive all the love you have to give. There's still a chance that you will find a partner you want to spend the rest of your life with, but you can still have a happy and fulfilling life even if that doesn't happen. Can you go to a counselor to talk about your feelings and your anxieties in your life? Psychology graduate students at your college may offer free or very reduced rates. They won't have much experience but could still offer a good outside perspective. I also found this website, I thought it could be of help to you https://www.archtrust.org.uk/

Sending you hugs, and hope for your heart to heal. Thank you for all your caring messages to Mumsnet users. I hope the future has good things in store for you.

@SilverScales Thank you so much for your kind reply it really was a lovely message to read . I feel I've forgiven myself and tried to not blame the dad maybe he was scared and maybe this is a life lesson he had to have also I don't know . Right now I'm stuck in fear . The fear of will I ever give birth to my own child again ? That's the road I'm at. I do have a wonderful counselor but we don't always discuss the termination. We discuss alot about my childhood to help me work through my decision. I would love to foster kids absolutely. Currently I've only a one bedroom place but I've always wanted to foster children but also have my own children one day and have a family. I've dreamt of having a daughter since I was a teenager . It's all I've ever wanted . However I've wanted it in the right circumstances so a family unit . I never had that so it's what I wanted for my kids.

i will remain faithful and in hope and I always pray to god about it just some days the sadness and grief and magnitude of what I've done hits me and I can feel like im drowning all over again. Then sometimes I lose faith and write myself off . Thank you for your help I appreciate it so much 🩷xx

You are most welcome, I couldn't read your post and not reply. I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say, sometimes I don't know if I'm making sense. I can only imagine the tears you've cried, and the heavy grief you carry. I'm glad you already have a counselor, and that they are there to listen and help you deal with the pain you carry.

That's lovely that you'd be open to fostering. I hope that you can one day get a two-bedroom place so that can become a reality. And if you have another pregnancy, I hope that things work out for you-- even if you have a boy! Be gentle with yourself, and I hope your heart will one day feel much less heavy.

The grief is crazy, when I had an abortion, about 7 years ago, I could not believe that I could feel such grief for someone that I never met - Infact I was about 7 weeks and I didn’t consider it a person when I made the decision. I had only known the guy 3 months, was at a good place in my career but wasn’t financially ready.

I also told myself that because it was “self inflicted” I couldn’t ask for help , but I really really hope that the women thst make this decision after us are able to tap into some sort of support and aftercare.

My life turned upside down as I lost my job due to depression, I didn’t want to live and I just felt awful. But honestly time was a healer. My outlet was journaling and writing to my “baby” as bonkers as it sounds. I have letters to that baby and the only way I could get through was by reminding myself that I am improving my life for future children and future me. Perhaps that was my way of telling myself it wasn’t all in vain.

Life did improve. I realised that the time period was a time of self forgiveness and being kind to myself. I got a new job which I loved, I even started a non profit project. 7 years later I can say that I don’t feel bad about it anymore. I have a 1 year old now with a guy I adore - but it took a long time to get here.

It is so so hard when you are at the peak of it - but I love that you have picked up ways to develop yourself. Pour your energy into that, learn to forgive yourself, and socialise - who know who you might meet.

Wishing you all the best.

Thank you @SilverScales I appreciate you taking the time to send me kinds words it helped 🩷 I completely understood what you ment and it made sense. Ile keep praying and believing . Thank you so much hun x

@yoghurttops thank you so much for sharing your story with me . I wish I just knew what was on the other side of my decision . I was in so much turmoil and I was thinking with my head and not my heart . I also grieved someone I hadn't met and kept saying to my best friend I miss it but I didn't know what to call it ? The baby ? The pregnancy ? The soul ? I didn't feel worthy of saying the baby and felt stupid but my god I did miss it so much and wish I couldn't have turned back time my heart absolutely ached and broke in a million pieces. I hope I get to have my baby back one day soon and will never let them go this time. I'm so incredibly happy you met your person and got your beautiful baby and your life is good. This makes me happy. I'm 39 in a few months I don't have 7 years so I'm praying to god everyday to have my baby back with a family . I also too have wrote letters to my unborn baby asked for forgiveness and to come back to me . I made my decision with my baby's future in mind but I wish I could take it back . I'm so happy you had a happy ending and I hope I get mine. Thank you for sharing 🩷

I’m sure you will get your happy ending xx

I definitely remember not knowing what to call the pregnancy.

Plenty if women fall pregnant into their 40s. I’ll keep you in my prayers and I’m sure everything will fall into place.

@yoghurttops thank you so much hun I really appreciate it 🩷 xx

Hi @Tinydancer222 I have never used these forums before in my life, but find myself here reading all these threads for advice/perspective because I am now in the same boat as you were in, so I know how horrendous it must have been for you. Your posts have been helpful, I appreciate your words. I'm at a crossroad, 41 coming 42, unplanned pregnancy and conflicted, running out of time, never been here before, but same situation as you with the father not wanting to be involved (i dont blame him his reasons are valid, but that doesnt help me). I've never had kids and didn't think it was in my plan, had sort of given up. I do have a good job and prob have all ducks in a row really except for the loving supportive partner. It's a horrible place to be. So much anguish. I never wanted to be a single mother, but here I am considering it, and I need to decide. It is not ideal at all. Scary AF actually. However , I might not ever get another chance given my age, but you've a few more years if you meet someone nice, and I really hope you do, so you can heal more and focus on your future. For me I think I'll be single forever at this rate.

I think no matter your choice it's never easy and I know everyone says this, but need to be kind to yourself and realise you made the right decision for you at that particular time. They say time is a healer and I do believe that, we get less focused on the past as life keeps moving. Have you had any counselling? Might be worth exploring. Sending good vibes your way x

@BeRedBiscuit Hi hun thank you for taking the time to send me a lovely message I really appreciate it. Thank you for sharing your story. Congratulations on your pregnancy I know it may be a strange thing to say considering what gour going through but the people that congratulated me ment something to me 🩷 I don't want to use my situation and tell you what to do here I know you didn't ask either. I didn't have a job also when I fell pregant I had quit my job. So not even having an income was also a huge factor in my decision. In hindsight and reflecting after it's happend I think that if I even had the job I think I might have kept the baby. I was allowed look at the scan usually your not in a termination scan but they let me and in that moment I said that's it I'm keeping my baby. My best friend then convinced me I couldn't keep it. I feel apart . How was I going to feed this baby no job awful fatigue and nausea. No dad around and no money I was absolutely distraught . My mother aunties and sister re assured me they would help me in every way and yet I was so heartbroken and scared I ran with my decision to abort sadly.

I kept googling do women regret abortions and I kept reding all this stuff saying no they didn't and it was just a "medical" procedure . Bullshit ! I broke into a million tiny pieces when I realized what I done. I screamed and begged god for my baby back for days on my hands and knees praying maybe ile be one of the 2% of abortions that fail. This wasn't the case . Then the rage came the violent rage. It was horrific . I do not say any of this to be dramatic to upset you I say this because for some women not all women this is the reality the immense pain and regret of what we done afterwards. If I knew what was on the other side of this I would never of done it . But then if I kept the baby I was badly depressed over my situation being a single mother jobless and continuing the circle of trauma and abandonment for my child . I felt I couldn't win .

I have so my empathy and love for myself in that time. I have so much love and empathy for you also. Please think very hard about this . Don't listen to anyone's opinion. Listen to your heart and your head. You sound like a lovely beautiful soul who will be an amazing mother . If you chose not to go ahead with your pregnancy then maybe this wasn't in your life plan I don't know ? I pray every night to my baby and ask her to come back . If it happened again god forbid and the dad walked away again I would keep my baby . Like I said hindsight is a wonderful thing . This has made me a stronger more wise women who has learned so much self love . I just wish this wasn't the way I had to learn it. I wish this wasn't in my plan . Some days I still can't believe this happend to me.

some women are fine afterwards and are okay with their choices and that's fine for them and I'm happy their okay but some are not always . I'm always here if you need a chat. Go easy on yourself and take your time . We can never go back so please be 100% sure. Sending you a big hug xxx 🩷 ps you will not be single forever every pot has a lid and there is someone for everyone that I am sure of xx

@Tinydancer222 thank you so much for this. My hormonal brain made my eyes stream reading it. I've learnt alot in the last few weeks about myself, and to be honest my partner will not be there for me no matter my decision, that I can almost guarantee, his lack of support has been so eye opening, to the point my blood actually runs a bit cold thinking of him, I feel nothing for him now. I actually feel numb in ways. I think I spent so long caring about how this would impact his life, not sure why...we as women care far too much, esp when he couldn't care less what I'm going through. He would love me to end this so he can return to his little life. So regardless I'm in this alone and have weirdly accepted it after many tears. We need to believe in ourselves more and look after ourselves, because sometimes no one is there when you need them. We can and should save ourselves, and put us first. I'll stop ranting now.

I really appreciate your words, it's comforting to know there's people out there who understand. As often friends/family just don't as much as they do try to help. I totally get what you mean about realising that not everyone reacts the same after making their decision and it's helped me see all different sides.

I'm so sorry for your pain and experience, there's just no easy roads sometimes. Hoping each day gets brighter for you and less heavy with each new morning. I might take you up on that chat sometime, thank you, as I do find these forums helpful. Xx

@BeRedBiscuit BeRedBiscuit, I'm sorry that the man you had a relationship with has grown cold once he learned you're pregnant. How selfish for his main concern is that his life does not change at all while asking you to make one of the most potentially painful choices a woman could make. I hope that if you have wanted to be a mother, that you will see this opportunity as a blessing. If you can manage financially without him, you do have the option of leaving him out of your life - say you go your way and I'll go mine. It's his loss. If you need the financial support, fathers are obligated to provide it in most countries, whether they are happy about it or not. He knew where babies come from and decided to take that chance. You do have the option of having the baby and finding a good father later. Or an uncle/grandfather/close friend can take on a fatherly role in the child's life. I wish this pregnancy came under happier circumstances, but I still hope things will work out for you. Nothing can prepare you for how much you will love your baby. At least that's what I came to realize after having my "oops" baby.

@Tinydancer222 How my heart aches and weeps for you, dear. I cannot fathom the pain you've endured. And to think it was your best friend who convinced you that there was no way to welcome a child into your life, when your family was being so supportive. That must feel like a betrayal, even if she was doing what, from her perspective, made the most sense. And I agree that women really have to do some deep digging to get an idea of all the possible mental, emotional, and physical outcomes of abortion. It's far from just a medical procedure, as you know too well. But I'm so glad to read that you're learning a lot about self love. If only we all had a time machine so we could use hindsight in all our choices. But we can only do what we thought was best, and even the strongest feelings/worries are often only temporary. I hope you will get the chance to bring love to a child's life, biologically or otherwise. May you always be true to yourself.