Termination experiences - third pregnancy

[TiredTammy]

I'm nearly 8 weeks pregnant with my third baby. It was an unplanned pregnancy - although we always liked the idea of a third, we hadn't quite decided on it yet and it happened by accident. Since finding out I'm pregnant I've been overwhelmed with worries (how to cope with 3, my career, what people will think, and all the stupid practical questions about logistics that keep you up at 4 am) and have been completely undecided about what to do. Feeling exhausted and nauseous all the time definitely doesn't help to feel good about the whole situation.

I posted on here for advice and had lots of helpful replies from people who were in similar situations and decided to keep the baby and were happy. But I just haven't heard from many people who have had terminations and how they felt about it after. We're you able to come to terms with it, or do you always regret it? I feel like we could probably come to terms with a termination if I felt like it was for the right reasons (to focus on our existing responsibilities like work, our two lovely children and having parents with caring needs etc). But I also think in balance we could probably cope with another baby and would be happy in the long run. So I really just want to make the most responsible choice, but I'm running out of time to make it.

That’s a really hard thing to ask people as when it isn’t easy and people share that story it can seem like they’re anti choice and trying to sway your decision. Or just trauma dumping. There are lots of stories on here of people who’ve regretted it though. They’re on the pregnancy choices board.

For what it’s worth I had one three and a half years ago for what would have been my third and I am still not over it. The decision was made for the right reasons. It was the best decision for my family. But I was traumatised after and still think about the what ifs every day. It wasn’t my first abortion, I had one as a teenager and I was fine after, but I had this one as an almost 40 year old so I wonder if this abortion clashed with my biological clock reaching its desperate end. I’m hoping to feel better about it all in a couple of years when that clock finally stops ticking. But it’s been very hard and my relationship with my husband has suffered enormously.

@Diggersandunicorns thanks for your thoughtful reply, I realised after that maybe it's too triggering a topic to raise and maybe insensitive of me, but I can't edit it unfortunately. I really appreciate you being honest, and I hope it does get easier for you over time. Even if you know you made the decision for the right reason, it is still such a hard decision to make. I will have a look on the other thread as you suggest, I'm still finding my way around Mumsnet!

If you read absolutey any of the threads on pregnancy choices (sub category under body and soul) I think you will find plenty of experiences for your situation that you will find beneficial and more of an audience who won't be so triggered by the choice you face and questions you need to ask x

Thank you, sorry I didn't know that thread existed till someone pointed out above. I'm trying to see if it's possible to delete posts or move them.

I posted this originally in the pregnancy channel as I did not realise this one existed as now I see there are lots of people sharing stories on this channel, I appreciate everyone sharing so openly.

I terminated my third pregnancy and was devastated and regretted it pretty instantly. I was suicidal for a time. However, there are plenty of people who don't regret it or who struggle initially but then get over it. The problem is that the aftermath be quite unpredictable and I think we all react to disruption in hormones differently too, some are more sensitive than others, which of course doesn't help. If you're on the fence then I would always encourage you to go ahead with the pregnancy. An abortion isn't an undo button to go back and pretend the pregnancy never happened.

@Redemption16 thank you for sharing your experience, I'm so sorry you suffered like this. I had been worrying about my mental health if I had the baby because of my past history of pre & postnatal mental health issues and I finally got to a good place with it this year after lots of therapy so am worried about upsetting the balance again... but I think I had not seriously considered how a termination would impact me as the alternative. You're so wise to point out that it's not just an undo button, even though it feels so compellingly like it in the moment. I need to accept that the impact of a termination on my mental health is just as big an unknown/risk to take. I hope you have found some peace now in your decision and got help when you needed it, thanks again for sharing your story.

Hi Tired Tammy, here are a few links to read about people's abortion regrets if you want to get an idea of possible aftermath.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy_choices/4228387-Abortion-Regret?page=1

https://exhaleprovoice.org/post/category/community/

Are there mums who take the pills, and have a fairly easy time aborting at home, and moving on? Yes, they are out there. So that is a possible outcome as well, that you will be one of the ones who can do the procedure and say "I'm glad that's over with." The hard thing is that you can never be totally sure how your heart and mind will cope. I hope you will be able to listen and see clearly, and decide what path is best for you. Hugs and prayers to you dear.

Hi, sharing mine. I had postnatal depression, I didn't seek help for with my second child, was constantly wishing I'd not had him and just had the one child to give undived attention and love to. Regretted having him really...was emotionally numb rather than crying. Then I had an unexpected pregnancy when he was 18 months. As soon as I got the test I knew I didn't want to keep it but DH did so it was agonising. I didn't want to have an abortion but I couldn't extend my baby years.

Before second child we had talked about having 3 or 4 kids. When I was pregnant I did cry a lot. I went through a medical abortion, I think it was 8 weeks and felt nothing but relief and it was like I felt 2 children was a complete family. It was a reset button for me and I was able to feel emotions again and bond with my youngest, who I love so much now. and be emotional available and rebuild my relationship with the oldest. I was also doing more round the house and generally being a more responsible adult. Unfortunately there's now this elephant in the room with my DH as he would still like a third but I don't, or at least I'd want to do some therapy with him.

I am one who thinks 'im glad that's over'. And took control.

@SilverScales thank you so much for sharing those resources. I feel like I have read every single thread on here now, desperately trying to find my answer as it's still so unclear to me. You're right that the aftermath is really unpredictable. It sounds like more people regret it that not, which makes me think I should go ahead with the pregnancy. I know that for years I have wanted 3 kids, there is a reason I held onto every bit of baby stuff after my 2nd and there is a reason that we weren't careful with contraception and therefore ended up in this situation... So there must be part of me that want to keep this baby but right now I'm finding it just really hard to remember what all those reasons are because I'm just not feeling excited about being pregnant, instead I'm full of worries about how we'll manage, and overwhelmed by being so tired and nauseous and already gaining weight etc etc. But I'm also not sure enough about an abortion to go ahead with it, and every week that goes by makes it a harder decision to make. I can see why so many women are tormented by this decision.

@2in2022twoyearson thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm so sorry you went through that with your 2nd baby. I didn't have pnd but I did struggle with it bringing up all my old eating disorder problems which I have finally had therapy for and got to a good place with. So I'm slightly apprehensive about undoing that, but also not certain enough about that being a problem that I'm sure about termination. How many weeks were you when you did the abortion? It sounds like you were very sure yourself, just being swung by your husband. I'm glad you were able to stay true to yourself and you felt the relief and reset you described. We're there any doubts in your mind at the time or was it all from your husband's side?

I wasn't many weeks, can't remember exactly, less than 10. I think I had a few doubts, but it's hard to know if they were my own mlornmy husbands when I was feeling fragile...I was just starting to get pregnancy symptoms, had them less than a week. I was going to do the telephone councilling but when I started to feel exhausted, I was sure I didn't want to go through pregnancy right then...so didn't wait the few days for councilling. I did use the Samaritans helpline. Anyway, I wouldn't want to sway you either way. One thing that made it difficult is I know I personally was an unplanned third pregnancy, but very loved.

But yes, there definitely was doubt in my mind. However, afterwards, no regrets.

TiredTammy, thanks for your reply. You started off your post by saying that you and your partner have liked the idea of three children, and you saved your baby items, and maybe took a chance on birth control-- it really sounds like you are leaning toward welcoming one more child into your family. Do you think your partner would be willing to get a vasectomy so you'll not ever have to contemplate such a choice again? Mine had the snip when we were sure our family was complete, and we've had no issues, it's a relief. I agree that it seems like there are more women who regret aborting than regret having the baby, and I don't want that kind of heaviness on your heart. I really hope you find peace in whatever you choose and that you can move forward with confidence. And that your stomach feels better soon too!

@SilverScales thank you, it's so kind of you to share your thoughts. I agree we seem to be leaning towards keeping it, but I'm not sure if that's because we really want to or put of default because we can't face the idea of an abortion. I have had several counselling calls with BPAS which is a wonderful service to have, but they keep saying to listen to my heart, accept what are my true feelings deep down etc. And honestly I don't know, all I know is that I'm really not enjoying being pregnant, I'm finding it miserable and debilitating. I feel like if I wanted the baby, I would be excited and delighted like I was with my other two (and my miscarriage before that) - those children were so badly wanted, it's just really confusing to be pregnant and not feel that way. Even though we've talked through all the worries and challenges and I know none of them are actual deal breakers (like we can afford it, we have a stable marriage and jobs etc), it's hard to know if this feeling of deep resistance is my "true feelings" or just anxiety taking over. But I've also seen posts on here from women who had very similar worries and then still loved their baby so that gives me the most hope... It's a good idea re vasectomy, I had thought I'd go straight on the coil but maybe this would be more reliable! Thanks again for your kind advice.

You are so welcome, thanks for your thoughtful post too. You wonder if you will live a life of thinking "what would have been," if you choose to abort this pregnancy. And fear, anxiety, and panic cause many people to make quick decisions, where if they had thought it over more closely, they admit they would have made a different decision. Those are the hardest stories to hear. Feelings come and go, and can lead us astray at times, or cloud our situation. I grew up with two siblings and three was a very nice number! I'm guessing that the youngest child in many families was unplanned, but we often can't imagine that family without them. I'm glad you and your husband are talking this over together, and looking at a family addition from all angles. And I'd say after being pregnant and having babies, it's your husband's turn to do something uncomfortable (a vasectomy) if he's willing to do so! I hope you'll post back here in the future and let us know how things turned out. I'll be thinking about you til then, dear.

@TiredTammy - what did you decide? I’m in the same position and unsure what to do.

@CJP12345 we decided to keep the baby, I'm now over halfway through. It's not been easy at all, we've needed several extra scans due to various things that we couldn't have foreseen, but touch wood baby will be ok... My mental health has also been pants and I've felt even more sick and exhausted than in my last pregnancies. BUT despite all this, I haven't once regretted our decision because I know we made it for the right reasons. Those weeks of torturous indecision were hard, but the fact that we thought about it so deeply means we really got to make a decision based on our values and gut feeling, not based on fear and panic. I still have absolute respect for those who choose a termination but I also respect the fact that I didn't feel able to go through with it myself, and I respect my reasons why. Also fyi I was extremely nervous about people judging me but so far almost everyone I've told has been hugely supportive, including my employer.

I'm happy for you, @TiredTammy , or should I say ExtraTiredTammy. I am glad you are following your heart, have no regrets, and that people have been good to you. Hope the nausea will go away and that the whole family will soon be in love with your new little one.

I’m in the same position as you were TiredTammy, any update now you’re on the other side? I just want out of this situation I put myself in, thought I wanted, and now only feel fear and regret. Wish that simple undo button existed. Feel like I’ve reunited mine and my family’s lives.