Unexpected #3 completely conflicted

[Bee1720]

For some background I’m 35 (will be 36 soon) I have DS 10 and DD 6 for some time I wanted 3 but over the last year I have been happy with my two lovely children and comfortable life now they are older my husband and I have been able to enjoy time together more
I found out I am just over 4 weeks pregnant which was a big shock considering I was convinced I was perimenopausal and going for blood tests, my husband is 100% against continuing but has said it’s ultimately up to me however I’d feel completely selfish.
Having this baby would mean giving up the thought of bigger holidays as we couldn’t afford it as a family of 5 we would be very stretched paying for childcare and we only have one grandparent who wouldn’t be able to help due to health. We have a 4 bed house though the rooms are small so we’d potentially have to move which just isn’t possible in these times I always said I wouldn’t have any over 35 not that it’s old just I wanted to have more freedom by late 40s 50.
I just know my children would love a younger sibling I love being a mother and I know this is 100% the last time I will ever be pregnant plus the thought of a termination terrifies me and what it would do to my mental health, I have been in touch with BPAS who are sending medication in the post.
I just keep going round in circles and it doesn’t help I have a million symptoms.
I don’t know what the aim of this post is to be honest I just feel so lost.

Hello Bee, I'm so sorry that you are in the middle of this mess. Unexpected pregnancy is like being underwater and not even knowing which way is up. You feel like you don't even know what direction to swim to take your next breath of air. But that's the panic that the human mind feels when things are not going "according to plan." I don't know how long ago you found out you were pregnant, but it's important to give yourself time to think. The worst thing is to take the abortion pills in a state of shock and panic. Start with what you know - you have seriously considered having three children, and you have strong suspicions that abortion would be mentally devasting for you. Write out your feelings and reasonings. Don't let your partner push you into aborting if your mind and heart are crying out against it. No woman should be told she must. It would be like you insisting your husband go fight in a war when he had no wish to go. You'd be asking him to live with the feelings and memories of that trauma. I really think that this decision is equally big, you only need to look at a few post threads on this message board to see how hurt people can be when abortion was not what they truly wanted, or did not solve their problems like they thought. Please when the pills come, put them away and let yourself think and breathe. Talk to someone if you want, crunch the budget numbers, listen to your heart. I'm sure your husband loves the two you have, and I don't doubt he would also love the new addition. I'll be praying for you during this time, Bee. Hope to hear back from you.

What did you decide? Just read this

Hi, after a tough conversation with my husband I decided to terminate at 5 weeks, 2 weeks ago now.
I feel awful still and I’m not sure I’ll ever be happy with the decision I made sadly.
I have been talking to my husband a lot who is worried I will resent him as if he had been happy with the situation it might have been easier.
Im not ready to feel any kind of way yet

I'm sorry for what you've endured, Bee. I hope you can be honest with your husband and that he will really listen and give you time to heal.

If you want to chat just private message me. Sorry you are going through this.