Regretting 3rd pregnancy

[real13]

I have 2 kids (aged 5&7).

Around 6 months ago l, I started panicking that I was getting too old to have any more kids (I’m 35). Me and partner decided to try for 6 months.

It was coming to the end of the 6 months and I realised it wasn’t what I wanted. We were happy as we were. The kids were getting easier etc. I said let’s stop trying, and then a couple of days later I found out I was pregnant.

I had really wanted this a few months ago. Since finding out, it just feels wrong. I’ve got health problems which have started again since becoming pregnant. I’m so tired that I’m always lying on the sofa borderline ignoring my children.

I’ve got massive anxiety about how we’re going to afford another baby (we can, but obviously would have more money with less children). We only have 3 bedrooms, so the older 2 would need to share. my health problems mean I’m really tired a lot of the time anyway. I’m so scared about having no sleep again for another 3/4 years. My life has just got easier and I’ve put myself in a position where I’ll have to go through it all again. I had an early scan and I can’t bear to look at the picture. I just feel like I’ve made a really big mistake.

The worst bit is, I really wanted this and I’d thought about all of the above before but convinced myself it would be fine. I just feel so sick and weak. I’m only 6 weeks pregnant, so could have a termination.

I just keep thinking why did I want another baby!? Why did I want to make my life harder?!

I’m also so worried that we are ‘rolling’
the dice’ and might have a baby with a severe disability, which will obviously massively impact my children’s lives

How am I meant to keep a house clean and do all of the washing for 3 kids, when I can’t keep on top of it with 2?

excuse the million posts.

I regret my termination of 3rd life is awful I pray so much for another baby but unlikely at 39 I’m devastated

Nobody can say what's right for you and you don't need permission to have a termination. But proceed carefully, part of you must have wanted this and thought you could make it work, and obviously now it's real it's normal for things to start to feel a bit scary. Many women on here have terminated planned pregnancies due to anxiety and really suffered with their mental health afterwards.

I had my third last year and yes we are busier and the house is a bit messier, and yes going back to crappy sleep isn't fun, but it's fine - the issues I thought would be big problems while pregnant really aren't that bad. You're also far more likely to have a healthy baby than one with disabilities.

So, just be sure about what you want and make your decision on things you are certain of not 'what ifs'. I'd encourage you to talk to people in real life. Also write your worries down and see if there are solutions and if you want to find solutions. It is your life though and you're free to make the decisions that are best for you.

Good luck whatever you decide.

How are you feeling today? I was in a very similar situation while pregnant with my third. It was a planned pregnancy, but at 6 weeks pregnant I started having panic attacks and regretting the pregnancy. I had all the same fears you did, and I thought about termination every day. I ended up on antidepressants and in therapy. My baby turned 1 last week (my other two are 4 and 6.5), and I am so glad we had him! It was not nearly as hard as my mind was making it out to be when I was pregnant. Hormones can affect us so much. I see many women on here who panic during a third pregnancy, terminate, and regret it so much. Termination is an option, but please seek counseling before making a decision. Especially with a planned pregnancy.

Thanks all. I felt fine again about an hour after writing this post. I feel excited for a bit each day, and then I will have an hour of complete fear and panic. I’m so worried I won’t cope.

I obviously wanted this baby, so I’m really shocked I feel so panicked by everything now.

I think the fact that I feel so sick and weak atm isn’t helping. I have told some close friends and family that I’m pregnant, and everyone’s reaction was pure horror. Everyone was gob smacked or laughing because life is easy again with the kids & we’d be starting all over again. Suppose I was hoping for a couple of positive reactions. It shouldn’t matter what other people think, but everyone just thinks we’re mad doing it again. That clubbed with how sick I feel and the anxiety of having another one seems to be ruining it for me.

That's terrible that anyone would say anything other than "Congratulations," I'm sorry that people have been so petty and rude. Who are they to judge your life and your decisions, especially on something so important as having a baby? If you were actively trying to conceive for six months, it sounds like both you and your partner really wanted another child. That was a long time to think things over, and you wanted another. I'm willing to bed that when your baby comes, everyone will love him or her, and won't be able to imagine your family without them. Feelings will come and go, so it's best to keep our long term goals and priorities in mind, not just in the next year or couple years, but long term. Please accept my heartfelt congratulations, and don't let anyone steal your joy.

I am in such a similar position, mine are a bit younger (about to turn 2 and 4, so not quite out of the hard stage yet!) but I always wanted 3 kids. We were planning to wait another 6 months before thinking about trying but it happened by 'accident' and now I'm 6+5 and terrified. I've had 2 counselling calls with BPAS and MSI already, they can't proceed with termination of I am undecided.

I was so sure for so long that I wanted 3 kids but now it's happened, I'm questioning whether it's really worth going through all this again, plus I'm worried because my MH was really bad last time pp, I have had therapy since then and am in a much better place but still worried about the what ifs. Also worried about the impact on my career as I already have imposter syndrome at work because I'm the only person in my team with kids and therefore can't work as hard as them. Last time I told my manager I was pregnant she was quite annoyed and I'm dreading going through all that again.

I had a scan yesterday and saw a heartbeat which I thought would be reassuring but I'm still unsure. I think on balance we both want the bigger family in the longer term, but are put off by how hard the next couple of years are going to be. My kids are terrible sleepers and we rarely get a full night's sleep as it is. I've read all the MN posts on here on the same topic though and am really reassured by how many people say they were in a similar position, and now the baby is here they don't regret it for a second. I feel like that would be true for me too, I can imagine loving another baby just as much

@TiredTammy Your situation sounds similar to mine, and I am so so glad I continued my pregnancy! My kids were 3 and 5 when I got pregnant, and now that my baby is 1 I kind of wish we would have had him a year earlier so the age spread was the same as your children. If you were planning to try in 6 months anyways, you might be happy to be done with pregnancy and the challenge of young kids 6 months earlier. If I would have terminated, I would have thought about this baby forever even if I had gone on to have another. Consider medication for your mh (antidepressants and therapy got me through). The choice is obviously yours to make, but I just had to share my thoughts. :)

@Enoughnow131 thanks for sharing your story. Was your third baby planned if you don't mind me asking? I always thought I wanted a third but it's only since I got pregnant I started questioning what I really want! My husband said if we had a miscarriage then he could see us trying again but I'm not so sure. I'm not sure if I can bring myself to have a termination bit also really not sure if I want to be pregnant.. so your story is reassuring to hear.

@TiredTammy I think cold feet are normal when reality kicks in. First pregnancy is generally excitement and a touch of naivety, often we don't know what we're letting ourselves in for. Second pregnancy can almost feel like an expectation to give your child a sibling, like it's what most families do. Third pregnancy is a leap of faith and you know all the crappy bits too. I think sometimes it's easy to get bogged down and forget that babies do usually bring happiness and love too, especially if you are already in a stable and loving home. The abstract idea of a baby in early pregnancy is different to the reality of when they're a real little person. I wouldn't write any of this if you sounded unstable or like another baby would really tip you over the edge, but I'm also aware I don't know you in real life.

From your post it sounds like your worries are about the short term (sleep etc) rather than the long term. These things are hard no doubt, but they are short term and time goes so quickly when they're little. If a bigger family is what you want in the long term then I'd think carefully about having a termination simply because of the tricky first few years. You also have the option of reading up and doing things differently third time around. It's up to you but if you think you do want another child in the future then I'd be concerned about you struggling after a termination. Just take as much time as you feel comfortable with, talk to people, write it all down and then at least you know you've made the most informed decision you can. All you can do is make the best decision based on what you know about yourself and your family.

It was planned. We went back and forth for a long time, then when we finally decided to go for it I got pregnant on the first try. I panicked because I didn’t think it would happen so fast. I felt like I had made the wrong decision and wanted to terminate. My therapist helped me think back to all the reasons we decided to try for a third. I knew I had put a lot of thought into it before getting pregnant. I did not enjoy the pregnancy, but it helped to know it was for sure my last one! Now my family feels complete and I don’t have to wonder if I should have had another.

@ByDreamyMintNewt thank you for your wise message, you describe it so perfectly! My first pregnancies I was so excited (well actually mainly horribly anxious about losing) because I wanted those babies so badly, and I had fertility problems and miscarriage previously. So it feels really disconcerting now to be feeling anything other than happiness about being pregnant, which is why I'm questioning whether it's the wrong thing to do. I was so sure since forever about wanting 3 kids, after my second was born it was all I could think about, and now suddenly the whole idea seems so abstract like you say. I think on truth I've realised we would be happy with a bigger family and we would probably manage (mentally, financially, physically), but I also realised if we had a miscarriage and I couldn't get pregnant again, also we would be very happy and content with the two wonderful children we have already. This is what's made it all so confusing because there doesn't seem to be a right answer. Which is why I keep going over the practical things like is this a responsible thing to do given our current responsibilities (my MIL is disabled, we both work full time etc). But I also really value your advice that others have regretted a termination, and I'm not sure I could go through with it anyway, especially now the baby has a heartbeat, tongue, eyes etc - it feels like a real baby already! So I guess we will just take a deep breath and find a way to make it work. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

@Enoughnow131 thanks for sharing! Yes it seems like such a common story from what I've read on these threads, people panicking in the early days but then all working out well in the end. I'm nearly 8 weeks now so feel like I'm running out of time to have a termination anyway, but I notice it tends to always be in the evening (when I'm feeling most tired, nauseous, can't get my kids to sleep etc) that the idea of the pregnancy feels most overwhelming and I tell my husband I want a termination... But then n the morning it all feels more manageable again, my kids are cute and funny and the idea of one.more sounds fun etc. So I'm not sure overall whether I should be listening to my tired cautious voice or my more brave / optimistic voice!

How are you op? Did it get any easier to decide what to do? Currently in the exact same position (my age and my kids ages too)