How do you know abortion is the right choice?

[chillybandits]

TW possibly & please no judgement

I found out I’m very unexpectedly pregnant with baby number 3 at the start of the week. I think I’m 4w 3d, so very early. I have 2 children, and struggled a lot with PND after both but had a horrendous second pregnancy too with PGP and HG.

When my period didn’t come this week and I tested, it was just absolute fear and dread. I cried after finding out and have felt numb since. Now I keep going between both options. Tuesday morning I was dead set on abortion, as the day went on I had the ‘maybe it could work out’ thoughts. I had 2 losses in between my daughters, which I think is messing up my feelings even more.

I think that realistically, another child isn’t an option. Financially we are stretched with two, we have a tiny 2 bed house (moving isn’t an option for a good few years), I just started my own business last year and it’s starting to take off now, my mental health deteriorates in pregnancy/early postpartum, we have no childcare for number 2 as is and my youngest isn’t even 1.5 years, she’s so dependent and clingy (not the best word but hopefully you know what I mean) on me. If I even hold my husbands hand or hug him she gets upset lol.

But I just keep having wee thoughts of aww another baby, thinking of my girls playing with a new wee sibling and subconsciously I feel like I can already feel him/her inside my stomach already. I kept catching myself rubbing my tummy, being careful when I bend and didn’t drink the last of my bottle of wine when I found out. I don’t know why?

I’m scared. I’m scared of making the wrong choice, but I feel like I know that logically the choice is obvious to keep the life we have and more time etc for our 2 children we already have. But how do you know you’re doing the right thing?

I’m scared of going through the ‘loss’ process again, and the bleeding and pain. I was suicidal after my first loss, but I was also suicidal for a good few months after my second was born so neither are ideal. How can you make the choice? Does one just feel right and you know? Because I don’t have that gut feeling and haven’t really since I found out, so how do you make the decision?

I think this is a decision that only you can make. I think you'll make the best of whichever route you take and also think about how it might have been if you'd taken the alternative route.

Please don’t have an abortion it has ruined my life in every possible way. I am not functioning at all

@Artmumcreativethank you. It feels like both are impossible choices right now.

@Anxious24I’m sorry you feel that way.

Honestly, I think it's a very grey choice, not a right or wrong. All there is is choices and infinite possible outcomes that we have little real control over, and all you can do is try and choose what you feel most comfortable with to live with. Right now all it is is the potential for life - not all pregnancies lead to babies for many reasons. You are super early so you are probably panicking a bit right now so try and breathe and give yourself as much time as you feel comfortable with. Talk to your real life family and friends too, don't keep it inside.

The paragraph about rubbing your belly etc does stand out to me, as there are already being some form of bond happening, which would make an abortion hard for you. 9 months is a long time to get some things in place and for your children to adjust - if that's what you want. You could also get things in place to preempt pnd.

I would write a list of your concerns and possible solutions. Can things be solved and do you want to solve them? That way if you decide on a termination you know you've got solid practical reasons. Whatever you decide, I'd write it out for yourself so that if you wobble you can read it back and remind yourself why you made the choice you did. Abortion providers also provide counselling services to help you, although I've heard differing accounts of how helpful they are.

Those are wise words from MintNewt, I think the worst thing someone can do is to get an abortion while still shocked from the positive pregnancy test. I have a feeling that MOST people on the planet are unplanned, and their parents decided to make it work. Maybe sit down with your partner and write out all the budget items, see what baby items you still have from the 1 year old. Consider getting a baby sling, you can get a lot done while the baby is in there - I could type, do chores like folding laundry, play a little Playstation, all with the baby happily staring up at me from the sling (you can even learn to breastfeed with them in there). Don't only listen to the voices saying "this is going to wreck my life," give the ones saying "this could be a wonderful thing for the family" a chance too. Many women grieve later on, after aborting in a panic, some to the point where they're desperate to get pregnant again. So consider yourself lucky you found out very early on, let your feelings settle down a bit, and then try to listen to your heart. And I think your clingy child will start to gain a little independence, it's most likely a phase they'll grow out of. I hope your partner will respect whatever you decide.