Unexpected pregnancy- partner and I have different views

[Crispies794]

I found out at the weekend that I am 4 weeks pregnant. As a bit of background, my partner and I have been together 8 years, last year he went self employed and took a hit on his salary. I make okay money but our expenses and mortgage payments are quite high and I’m not as money savvy as him. We’ve just had our kitchen redone and have nothing left in our savings. We’re not married but want to be, but again, it comes down to money. I’m 30 and he’s 32.

we said that we would start trying for a baby, I put a lot of pressure on this, naïvely thinking it would take us a few months to a year but it happened first time. I’ve been desperate for us to have kids, it’s all I’ve wanted for years. And now I’m pregnant he’s said that he doesn’t think that we’re ready, that we can’t afford it and wants me to terminate the pregnancy. I think I knew deep down that this would be his reaction but I’ve been so desperate for this baby that I hoped that he would just say yes.

im heartbroken, I want this baby but I guess I also can see how we can’t afford it. But I’m now wondering how we could make it work, that’s not an option we’ve even talked about. I can’t see how how terminating this pregnancy and trying again in a years time is going to make that much of a difference.

I suppose I’m here looking for advice for anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Wow - so I’ve not been in this situation but you sound like you so want this baby and you should never have a termination for someone else. The long term impact on you should not be underestimated and it seems so selfish of him to not be considering your feelings in this. There are ways for newborns not to cost a fortune. Once they get bigger they can start being more expensive if you need nursery & depending on what clubs you might enrol them in etc but babies don’t need loads. There’s plenty of options on 2nd hand prams, you’ll get given so many outfits and outwith that it’s really cot, car seat, milk and nappies. Breast feeding is free! Don’t be ruled by the panic - 9 months is a long time and I’m sure people make it work on less

I have been in this situation and I would say do what you want to do. I think what’s frustrating is that you were trying, so it’s abit insensitive of him to opt for an abortion because it worked first time.

Many families make it work. You have been together for some time and what a baby will probably do is fast track everything? You both might want to start really thinking about your finances, what you need to buy, budgeting etc. many families make it work. You’ll also have mat leave if you are working to rethink things - that’s if you keep the pregnancy of course.

As PP said it has to be your decision. I’ve been in both situations where I’ve kept and not - and now looking back both were my choice and the decision that felt right for me and in hindsight were the right choice - for those reasons x

m Good luck xx

Also see if you can get some therapy - these days abortion services offer free therapy regardless of what you choose x

If you've been desperate for a baby then my instinct is that you would find a termination potentially emotionally very difficult. I also agree that what would be all that different in a year? I actually think your partner sounds like he's being very unfair on you - he could have used protection if he didn't want this. Does he really just not want children at all? Or is he just panicking too? How would you feel towards him after having to have the termination? Babies themselves don't cost much money - they don't actually 'need' much and you can get a lot second hand. Would you get maternity leave and would you qualify for any benefits or funded nursery hours from 9 months? Plenty of people have babies in less than ideal circumstances and a pregnancy gives you a lot of time to get things in order. Lots of things to consider.

I'd try to speak to some real life people you trust and see what they say too. Sending you strength. I hope you make the best decision for you.

Crispies, I'm so sorry, I can imagine your disappointment when he did not show any excitement for there being a baby on the way. Especially when you've been desperate to have a child and waiting so long. I feel angry at him for not even having sat down with you and figured out the budget, or thinking about how you could creatively or resourcefully gone about this. I got pregnant before we intended to, but we both wanted to have a child eventually so we decided we would make it work. Breastfeeding does save loads of money if you can manage it, and I also invested in some cloth nappies as I had easy access to a washer. They sell soft sheets that you can line cloth diapers with so that solid waste just lifts out and can be flushed (just the poo, not the liner). Those saved us lots of money as well. As Poster57 said, you don't need to spend a bundle to take care of a baby, and if you ask around you can usually find someone giving away maternity clothes or baby clothes/supplies. And many dads do fall in love with their children once they're born and go from being this "theoretical" or "potential" child to a flesh and blood son or daughter that's right there in your arms. In a marriage we have to choose our battles and decide what's important enough not to compromise on, and this is one of those things. If you give him 51% of the vote and abort just because he's pushing for it, you may come to resent him, especially if you're hurting and grieving and he "doesn't get why you're so upset." I hope you can make this work; like you said, what difference will one year really make. All my best to you.

Thank you so much everyone for your comments and advice. I tried to make my feelings clear to him last night and it was quite an emotional talk. Whatever we decide to do, one of us is going to feel pushed into a decision and resent the other person. I just hope that our relationship can survive….

@Crispies794 sorry that things are still hard. Just remember that an abortion isn’t a reset button. It’s not as if the pregnancy never happened and you can start afresh. I am pro choice btw although I’m aware I very much sound in this conversation like I’m not. It’s just that it’s your body and it’s predominantly your choice. The physical and often emotional burden of that sits with you which is where things start to get really unequal. When it comes to pregnancy all the physical burden sits with the woman either way actually - which seems obvious but never so glaringly so until you experience it. I hope you’re able to resolve.

@SilverScales funnily enough we cloth too - good suggestion :)

I'm so sorry that he is not seeing eye to eye with you Crispies. I hate to say it but maybe you two are not compatible with each other? Surely in eight years together he knows how much you have longed to experience the joy of parenthood, and must have some idea of how much it would hurt you to abort. I don't understand how some men can say "get rid of it and we'll have another one later," like it's not a big deal, as if you're hitting a baby snooze button. DreamyMintNewt had a good point in their post above, that maybe he is panicking with the sudden countdown to becoming parents. Maybe he likes to plan out every detail with backup plans in case something doesn't work. But you can't plan for every single outcome in life, sometimes you need to trust in your own ability to deal with things. Is he saying the problem is purely financial? Please don't let him push you into aborting the baby you have wanted so much. I fear it will shatter your heart.