Unplanned pregnancy

[Yht]

I feel so ashamed of myself. I had a termination after an unplanned pregnancy last year. I felt guilty even though I knew it was the right thing to do. It was an early one as I was only 4 weeks. For months after I wanted to get pregnant again. To ease the guilt I suppose.
As months went on I realised that I had made the right decision and had my prescription ready to start the pill once I got my period. I was a day late and took a test to be on the safe side. Pregnant again. I feel like an idiot. What have I done? Both my husband and I said I can't go through with another termination so we just have to deal with this pregnancy. For a day or two I was ok. Forward thinking and planning. Now reality has set in. We have two children. 8 and 12. They like their after school activities and it's great but they are expensive. We are planning to renovate or move house as we don't have enough room as it is.

I am scared what another child will do to our family unit. All the reasons we had to terminate last time are still very valid. Financially we would really struggle. I keep hoping I'll miscarry and I know that's a horrible thing to say as so many women go through that and I can imagine it's horrendous when a child is so wanted. I think my kids would be mortified if I told them we were pregnant.
I am 37. There would be a high gap too.
I can think of so many reasons to terminate. But how can I avoid the guilt? I am so ashamed of myself and my husband. How did we let this happen again.

I think the universe is kind and forgiving. You have nothing to feel guilty for if you are truly putting your family first. Many frozen embryos are never brought to life either.

On the other side, lots of people have age gaps, lots of people have three children and families come in all shapes and sizes. There are lots of positives to more family too.

It's something only you can decide. But the guilty feelings I do believe should be put aside because you've done nothing wrong. Do get your husband to get a vasectomy or get yourself some long lasting contraception though.

I agree entirely with the sentiment of the above post. The universe is forgiving, and kind, so it makes sense that you try to afford yourself those two things also. I honestly don’t think it’s helpful or necessary to pit yourself against those who long for a baby and for whatever reason, have difficult journeys with fertility. They are not you, and you are not them.

You've every right to make whatever decision is best for you, and you’ve every right to do so without the burden of guilt resting on your shoulders. Life happens, unplanned pregnancies happen, and will continue to happen…

Its ok to make whatever decision you want to. X

I'm so sorry Yht, you sound like a kind and sensitive person. It's hard to imagine what you're going through, having a surprise pregnancy after a recent abortion. If both you and your husband agree that you should not have to go through the termination process again, it must have been so traumatic for you. It sounds like you're trying to accept a third child into your family and imagine how life will change. The age gap is a little large, but only while they are little - just like when you're up in years it's not weird to date someone with eight or ten years difference, eventually the age gap of your children will mean less and less.

As you approach 40 years of age, the risk of miscarriage increases. You might end up losing the pregnancy no matter what. But you already know how it feels to abort and if you would rather leave it up to fate, and welcome this baby into the family if you have a healthy pregnancy, there's nothing wrong with that. Oftentimes the youngest child brings a lot of joy, and as parents it can be easier to already have extra experience and wisdom on your side. I really hope that something good comes out of the heartbreak you've been through, and I'll be praying for you.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your kind words. If I do go ahead with the termination I do need to try and put the guilt aside. I can't let that destroy me. Whether we want to keep the pregnancy or not, we really can't afford another. Financially we would be under pressure and our two children would miss out. I don't want to tell them we can't afford their dance and gymnastics classes. And they both will need braces. In another lifetime maybe, but we know what we will both earn over the next few years and supporting 3 children just isn't realistic. That being said I do imagine life with 3 and I see the love and happiness we had with our two when they were small babies and toddlers.

Yes husband is booking his vasectomy and I will go on LARC too. To me doubly protected. Thank you for your compassion x

My heart is breaking for you, and I hope you can find a way through this. And if you decide you simply can't go through termination again, and want to take the chance of accepting a third child, I hope that you can make things work. All my best to you and your family.