I don’t know if I want my baby.

[FrenchFries96]

I’ve recently found out that I’m pregnant, and I am extremely unsure about how I’m feeling. I guess I just need to get it off my chest.

(Background: I’m 28. I had twin boys when I was 18, who are now almost 11 and starting high school in September. I have NEVER considered having more children. Father is my long term partner, together 15 years. Six years ago, after some medical issues, I was told by a consultant that it was unlikely I would ever conceive again, so I accepted that I was done and I stopped all contraception, as recommended. No scares at all since, until my period never turned up in January and bam, I’m pregnant. Now measuring 9 weeks so decision time is getting less by the day and I genuinely don’t know what to do.)

I’ve been on the fence since I found out. One minute I’m in the “it’s happened for a reason” mindset, the next minute I cry because I can’t bear the thought of going back to nappies and bottles when I’m so far out with my other two. However, I’ve noticed that I’ve not once felt happy, or loved up with the idea of another baby.

Last week I had some heavy bleeding, and I’d prepared myself for the news that I had miscarried because my body just felt different. When the scan showed a healthy baby with a heartbeat, I didn’t feel relieved. Just even more confused about how I’m feeling.

I understand that I’m very lucky to have the opportunity and ability to have children. I feel selfish and guilty for feeling like this, but I can’t be the only one who’s felt so detached from an unplanned pregnancy?

Anyone who has had a similar experience, what did you do and how did you reach that decision?

i can understand about almost a relief about the miscarriage as that would have taken the decision out of your hands i would really access some counselling- it will help you process how you are feeling . i think the not feeling excited is natural- its something unplanned and you are processing it in your body in lflight mode. i have a somewhat unexpected pregnancy with a 9 yr old and i was not excited one bit but i kept telling the pregnancy that it wasnt personal it was the situation. its the thing i wish i had done most was access some counselling as easy to get stuck with some feelings. ultiatemly its presented as a black or white but actually for many people the decision is more complicated- theres pros and cons and you are having to make a deciision without knowing how the future will go. wishing you all the best

Hi Frenchfries, How are you doing? Have you reached a decision yet? I wanted to say you were so brave to have twins at age 18, and wow, you and your partner have been together since you were 13 years old? That's incredible, I can't imagine all that you two have been through together. You are lucky to have each other and for your love to have stood the test of time. One thing I was thinking as I read your post, is that you could have an "empty nest" before the age of 40 if your boys go to university, or get jobs/married and move out. Would you be ready to be finished with the parenting years so soon? It really changes your life when the children have moved out and it's just you and your partner. Not bad, but life has an entirely different pace and feel. I guess I'm just thinking you should consider this so carefully because it's like a miracle baby and sometimes the best things in life are not what we planned (though I have a feeling you already know that). And if you decide that you are done having children, maybe your partner should get a vasectomy as it sounds like you got bad advice from that consultant. Hope you are coping okay and thinking about the big picture of your life.

Hi SilverScales, thank you for checking in.

We had some raw, emotional conversations about it, and we’ve decided to terminate the pregnancy.

I hear what you’re saying about an empty nest but I have also always been super honest with my friends and family about saying that I’m not naturally maternal. My twins were a complete accident because I was on contraception! Obviously I love them beyond words and I’m so glad I had them when I did because we’ve had so much fun, but I don’t think I would have ever had children if it wasn’t for that happy accident.

We have our own business, and I’m at uni full time, so we’re both very content with our lives right now. We have lots of travel plans this year with several weekend getaways booked for places in Europe, as well as lots of days out that suit 10 year olds and we agreed that we don’t want to jeopardise our few remaining childhood years with our boys by having another baby.

I understand it might not sit well with some, but we quite like the idea of being parents of adult children by 40. We will have so much time to enjoy any grandchildren we may have, and be in an ideal position to support them through their early adult life.

I’ll be having the procedure next week, and I have to say I already feel extremely relieved and I know we’ve made the right decision for us.

Thanks for your nice reply, FF! I'm glad you've given it such thought together with your partner. You sounded so conflicted in your original post, I hope that when it's time for the abortion, if you are having feelings that you don't want to take that path, you will give yourself the freedom to choose whatever your heart is telling you. Sometimes people don't know for sure until reaching the point of no turning back. I hope that all goes well for you and your family, and that life has good surprises in store for you. Be well!