Abortion regret and pain 9 months on

[Tinydancer222]

Hi

i have been on this website many of times offering love and support for women who have had abortions . It's been 9 months and my baby would have been 9 days today had I of kept the baby and had it on my due date January 15th .

I am in the absolute depths of despair this week . I'm numb broken and feel lifeless. I had been getting better and knew my decision was right at the time. Baby's dad left me and said wanted nothing to do and wouldn't help financially . I had left my job just before I knew I was pregnant and I absolutely panicked. How would I raise a baby alone and no job. My my dad left me when I was 2 and I know the deep abandonment wounds that come from that.

was so scared my baby would have a depressed single mother struggling with money and my baby asking where is my dad why doesn't he want me like I felt ? I did not want that for an innocent little life knowing I done this ! So i put my desire to be a mammy aside and felt it was the best for my child and I had the abortion . I sobbed in the abortion clinic before taking the tablet . My heart was in a million pieces. As soon as I had the abortion I Instantly regretted it

Now It's been 9 months and this week has been rough. All week I've dreamt of baby girls. I'm now 38 and I'm absolutely terrified I won't meet anyone and have a baby . I don't want to do sperm donar egg alone that's just not for me.

I feel so much pain and loss for someone I never met . I am praying to god that he brings my baby back and I have and amazing dad for her. I'm not sure why I'm writing this post ? Maybe is there anyone who has had an abortion and after a couple of years we learn to forgive ourselves and know we done the best at the time . I feel angry as the dad basically bullied me by saying if I keep he he won't be there to support or financially support and he just didn't care. I wish I never done it but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing for the baby. I'm really struggling and i feel so absolutely terrified that god may not bring my baby back to me xxx

Hey. I was in your position about 7 years ago. It’s impossible to know how an abortion will affect you. The emotional side Isn’t always shared. However you made a decision for reasons that you believed were best at the time. I can see there is some resentment from the guy as he cornered you. But I found the best way to move on is to forgive myself. It didn’t happen overnight, and I remember having days were I didn’t want to go on, the burden was so heavy.

I do feel like I’m on the other end. I cannot tell you how things will work out for you, but I will advise you to invest in yourself. Do some counselling. And something that helped me was telling this potential baby I had to give back, that I will make sure that my life is better for the next one.

The good news is that you know that you can carry. If you focus on you first. Then work towards your goal of having a family.

Inhope things work out.allow yourself to grieve - as it weirdly feels like a grief - but try to make steps towards recovering emotionally too.

This was exactly me 5 years ago at 37 ❤️ I made that heartbreaking decision for exactly the same reasons. I grew up without a father and didn’t want the same for my baby but it absolutely BROKE me. I’m still not the same person after making that decision, it changed me in many ways. I met my now partner not long after my baby would have been due and we now have a beautiful son who completely healed my heart and recently just had my daughter. I worried I wouldn’t get the chance to be a mum again and researched sperm donation, adoption etc I just felt desperate to be a mum and like I had lost the chance. I wish I could go back and give myself a hug (sending that hug to you) and tell myself everything will be ok and work out as it should. Watching my partner be an amazing father to our babies literally fills my soul with joy, there are moments I just watch him with them in awe and I thank god they get to experience that and I get to witness it. You just don’t know what is right around the corner for you, I certainly didn’t and as much as it doesn’t take the pain away from that decision it does help to heal it. You will be a mummy and you will get the chance to shower all that love onto your baby one day. It’s ok to grieve, I still do for my baby. I just wish I could have given them what I have now but I have made peace with it. Sending viral love ❤️

@yoghurttops Thank you so much for your beautiful kind words I needed them. I pray and pray his will bring me my baby back and I'm making the steps to have and create a beautiful life for her . I have a great job now good salary and my own apartment. I'm in Counselling since it happend with a wonderful counselor . I won't let this pregnancy loss be in vain and I will do everything to live a good life and please good meet a good man I can have a family with . Sometimes you do all the work and then the fried just absolutely floors you . It kills me at time . Thank you for taking the time to comfort me . No one understands unless you have been through it so thank you xx

Hey lovely,

I felt sad reading this as I was EXACTLY in the same position as you. I have gone on to get pregnant since (very early stages). It may sound silly but I think it was down to praying and communicating with the soul of that baby. Many thought I was mad thinking this way but I NEVER gave up.

I also have a friend who was in your situation at your age. She hugely regretted her decision and never thought she would meet the right man. Well at 39 she met the most amazing man after we forced her on dates, by 40 she had her first baby girl. She never imagined it compared to
that first year she felt after her termination.

I think the positives are that you got pregnant and that is the biggest sign your baby is coming and you are destined to be a mum.

Abortion doesn’t make you a terrible person, in fact quite the opposite as your put a potential baby needs before your own. That’s the first step of motherhood, your did what was best at the time for a life as you wanted the best life for your future baby.

In regards to your age, there are hundreds of first time mums late thirties/ 40s. So don’t focus too much on that, it just means making the dating process faster 😂

don’t give up darling, it’ll all work out I promise xx

@Mummytobe2025 oh my god I am in absolute tears here ! You have no idea what your two story's you shared with me have done for me ! From the bottom of my heart thank you so so much ! I pray to god all the time and the baby I feel it was a girls soul. I always pray to god to mind her take care and when his choses an amazing dad for her and partner for me that he will bring her back to me healthy safely and a happy baby. I wanted with all my heart to keep the baby but felt would be awful for her to have a depressed single mam with no job and the bay asking where is my dad ? And me having to look at an innocent child and say I'm sorry he doesn't want to be part of your life . How cruel can a person be to walk away from an innocent child he made ! I put my desire to be a mother aside and thought I loved my baby so much I can't bring them into this ! All I want to be in this lifetime is a mammy💕

You do not sound mad for praying and being positive . Congratulations to you and your fiend and this gives me so much faith hearing this story. That's for making my heart feel warm again and I am so happy for you and your baby . I pray for all the happiness and health for you and baba. Thank you so much hun this ment the world xxx

Aw I’m glad the stories are helping.

when I had my first pregnancy and terminated , the father put so much pressure on me and I thought it was the right thing to do. I also had been made redundant and had no job when I fell pregnant that time. I was potentially going to raise my baby on benefits, which there is nothing wrong with but I did worry about the future for my child. One night I wrote a letter to that baby I terminated and said I need to get a new job so I’m ready next time for you. A couple of weeks later I got my dream job!

it was almost like the soul listened to me. So in a weird way I find now when I look back that pregnancy was almost like a ‘kick up the bum’ to be ready for a better time. I also didn’t think I wanted kids until AFTER I terminated, crazy hey 🤣

I did suffer a lot that year after the termination and when everyone told me ‘it’ll be a better time next time’ I was sick of hearing it! I couldn’t see a future and completely lost myself. I didn’t even recognise myself! But I’m saying this to give you hope and comfort that one day it’ll just come together.

I know you want to find a good Dad, but if that doesn’t happen and the circumstances aren’t right when you fall pregnant. It sounds like you are more mentally prepared now and would handle it differently. It’s so hard to know what to do in that moment - I get it. Hormones make us overthink.

from what you say, it sounds like you’ll be a fabulous Mum and if it means doing it alone - I know you say it’s not what you want. But if it happens again follow your heart - that baby is coming back x

@Mummytobe2025 oh my god I'm crying again 🤣🤣 what a wonderful poweful story! I'm so incredibly glad you wrote to your baby and they came back to you and you have your dream job ! This is amazing !

Your story is identical to mine it's wild. I didn't want to raise a child on bennifits and no dad . Now I have a great job and salary my apartment and I tell you one thing . I thought I was a strong women before this pregnancy loss I'm a 100 times stronger now since it ! The pregnancy loss has literally made me realize to never ever be pressured by anyone ! The dad was younger than me had and amazing career and I thought I had ruined his life by getting pregnant and was so fearful he would be so upset with me. I was terrified to tell him ! Then I was terrified of what people thought of me ! It was all my childhood shit I thought I had worked through and I clearly hadn't !

I have worked deeply with one of the best counselor I have ever met who says I have yet to meet the women in me and the person that made the decision to terminate was a wounded fearful girl . My counselor had turned me inside out and I feel like a lioness and a woman. I feel so strong and confident in who I am now and I am never going to allow anyone to hurt me or be scared of anyone or anyone's opinions again . I'm so grateful for my beautiful little baby's soul for showing me that . My counselor is very spiritual and belives my baby came to spark the deep healing I needed to do in this lifetime.

But thank you I truly believe my baby is coming back to a strong ready mother who will protect her at all costs.

you have no idea what your story has done for me. I am going to keep these beautiful mesages you so kindly took the time to share with me and re read them when ever the grief hits . You're honestly a beautiful angel of a woman and I'm so happy your baby is coming to you . You are a wonderful mother already 💙💗 xxx

For me it has been a year and a half and it is only getting worse.
I am crying every day.
I was 37 and healthy at the time, but after the abortion my body never recovered so now it is not possible for me to become pregnant again naturally.
I miss my baby so much I can't look at babies or pregnant women without thinking "where is my baby?" Only to get reminded that it is all my fault and I will never get a chance again.
I can't think of anything else anymore. I am dying.

I'm so incredibly sorry to hear this . There are no words to comfort you ! Nothing will ease the pain. I pray a miracle happens for you and you read it started with an egg and see can you improve your fertility . Adoption and getting a surrogate could be an option . You don't have to give birth to be a mother x

I don't think I can go through with any other plan knowing what it did.

@cloudyhoop
Hi hun
I missed this reply somehow . Thank you so much for sharing your story . I love hearing stories of women meeting great partners and having their children . I'm so happy you have a beautiful son and daughter . I bet their your absolute world now 💙💗

These stories give me hope. I'm 38 now my baby would have been born January 15th. This month has been beyond painful. I hope and pray I still have time to meet someone and my heart doesn't turn bitter towards men . The regret and pain in unbearable at times and I think how did I abort my own child . But at the time I was so broken . No job no partner to help physically or emotionally . I had my family and my friends but I was incredibly depressed and panicked not having financial support and an innocent child who I would have brought in knowing their dad wouldn't be there. The mental torture I went though . I absolutely sobbed talking the pills and then instantly regretted it and begged god for my baby back that somehow it had survived . The depression is very bad bad right now .

Reading stories like yours helps me so so much so thank you again for sharing your story and your kind words . I am so happy for you and I know your an amazing mother and deserve all the happiness in the world xx ❤️

I don’t have a success story to share just yet but want to say I know exactly how you feel and everyone else here. In my situation my husband and I did fertility treatment for years and had losses. During our last transfer cycle at 35 years old I found out about my husband’s affair, and I did end up getting pregnant with what would have been a girl. However I quickly spiraled further into anxiety and depression while dealing with the trauma of the affair, and we began having more fights. After a particularly bad one, I panicked about what I was doing to myself and my baby in this messed up situation, and my emotions just shut down, I went on autopilot and terminated. I honestly did not even feel like it was me anymore. Once the hormones and fog lifted, it quickly became clear what I’ve done and I’ve been in a dark hole ever since. I let the fear and anxiety of my circumstances take over and I lost my little girl that I tried so hard for. I still can’t believe it and would do anything to go back. I too feel like I’ve lost my chance at being a mom, and don’t deserve another. But I pray my baby will come back to me. I just feel the weight of what I’ve done and of time ticking by.

@BeCandidOP

hi hun

im so incredibly sorry you had to experience so much heart break . Please don't say you don't deserve to have another baby you absolutely do deserve for your little girl to come back earthside💕 Hindsight is a wonderful thing . If I knew when terminating what was ahead of me I would have never done it but I didn't and neither did you. Be gentle with yourself and truly beleive in your heart your baby girl is coming back . I often pray to my baby's soul and tell her not to get to cosy in heaven as she will be coming back to me. I know and believe this in my heart I have to. A beautiful lady on here told me to write a letter to my baby and I did and found this so incredibly healing and will continuing writing to my baby and praying until they come back . They will but you have to know and beleive they will xx 💕

@Tinydancer222

Hi - thank you so much for the kind words. I love what you said about telling her not to get too cozy in heaven because she will be coming back. I keep praying for her to be able to come back to me. It’s the only thing that keeps me going, or else I don’t know if I would be able to live with myself. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin knowing what I’ve done. I feel like I don’t know who I even am anymore. I wish the circumstances didn’t transpire the way they did at that very moment and I wish I would have sought more help for the negative worries and anxiety that took over. This is such a lonely experience but you and others here have been my greatest support. 💕

@BeCandidOP your welcome hun . And no baby can't get to cozy in heaven as she is coming back to you. Women carry an awful
lot of shame so I can relate to you saying you don't feel comfortable in your skin but you have to remember you are only one human being amongst 8 billion and no one has a rule book for life ! You did what you thought was right at the time and it was . Hindsight is a great thing but you ddint know what was on the other side of the termination and neither did I or any of the women who regret their decision.

My baby's soul saved me from me . Since my termination 9 months ago I've gone to counselling and my Counsellor is incredible. I have done some deep deep work. I have unearthed all my childhood trauma I thought I healed from and actually started to work through it. I have a new found sense of protection and love for my body myself my heart and my soul. I know longer give a flying f**k about anyone except the people who love me ! My people pleasing is gone ! My boundaries are up high and healthy. My baby saved me from myself ! I am 100 times a stronger person . Before this I was a girl in 38 year olds body. Now I am a woman and stepped into my power ! My baby done this she saved me . And she's coming back to me just like your baby is coming back.

I know your pregnancy loss has also made you a diffrent better woman . Think of how it has changed you for the better and focus on that . Focus on being a healthy healed woman for when your baby returns to you healthy and happy . This has to come true beleive me xx ❤️

Just wanted to say- thank you All for sharing your stories, having been in this situation myself I find such comfort in knowing that I am not alone and others feel that way. I am still recovering, some days are easier than others but being able to come here and read about other women’s experiences is so, so uplifting and helpful. Thank you so much and wishing you all the best! 🙏

@Moonandsunandskies you are so welcome and not alone and always here please reach out and don't feel alone. Sending you the biggest hug and love 💕💫 your not alone xxxx