Abortion regret.. advice please

[OneLoudAmberFox]

Hi all. Nearly 2 weeks ago I had a surgical abortion. I already have 2 beautiful children age 3 and 4, and this pregnancy was unplanned. I had always wanted a 3rd when my 2 were a bit older, my husband however didn’t want another child. He did come around to the idea after seeing how inconsolable I was when we were weighing up our options, but everybody else in our close circle commented on how we wouldn’t cope - financially, and with limited help with childcare. I had 2 high risk pregnancies and they were worried about my health also.

Anyway, I went ahead with the procedure and have been a heartbroken mess ever since. I’ve had to get signed off from work, I just regret it so much. I went through with the abortion for the sake of my husband and those around me. Why couldn’t I have stood my ground and kept the baby. I’m a mess, and i’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Those close to me are telling me what’s done is done and to basically get over it.

I mentioned the possibility of a 3rd in a few years to my husband and he completely shut me down and is wanting to book in for a vasectomy. I can’t ever forgive myself for this.

I suppose I’m reaching out to hear anyone with any similar stories, or just how you coped and healed.

Hi lovely, sorry to hear this.

I know exactly how you feel. I did the same thing based on people around me and making their lives easier. I’m 9 months on and some days I’m ok with my decision and other days I break down.

if there is one thing that I wish I did was get counselling. I’m not one for counselling but I did feel it helped in time.

the first few months are the hardest and it does get easier.

I am in the same position I get told a lot you can’t dwell on the past.

I hope in time your husband can understand how hard it is and consider the possibility of another baby.

It may not help but what I do hear if after a miscarriage or termination it’s actually easier to get pregnant quite quickly. Think positive and if it’s what you want, YOU do what you want. I became quite spiritual after my termination and I truly believe our babies will come back if we stay connected. Write a letter to your baby, visualise the positives of that soul coming back and they will - I promise you.

Feel free to send me a DM. What I found that healed me that I wasn’t alone and mumsnet has been positive for me as there are many of us that understand.

im not sure if this helps but hopefully it gives you peace knowing there are strangers on here who will support you more than people you have known for years. That’s what I found x

@OneLoudAmberFox Hi, I just want to say I understand your pain. I recently went through something similar, and made a decision due to unfortunate circumstances and likely perinatal anxiety that was not one I would have made with a clear mind for myself. I’m currently struggling every single day to cope with what happened. It feels like someone else made that decision, not me. My mind just replays the moments leading up to the termination, so badly wanting to change time and go back and shake myself. I am honestly horrified and beyond devastated with what I have done and don’t know how to go on like this. I don’t have any great advice myself, but just want to say you are not alone here. I am doing my best to extend some grace toward myself each day. I know I can never take this back but hope to get to a point where it is no longer crushing.

Sending you a big hug. I had a medical abortion just over two years ago now due to not being the right time and the ‘father’ at the time didn’t want to know and I was pressured. I struggled so badly with grief and guilt afterwards for a long time and fell into a very low way. However, I promise you that it really does get better. I’ll never forget it, but it becomes easier I really promise it does. I’m now happy and in a very good place mentally.
I do still think about it from time to time but it doesn’t hurt like it did.
Take the time you need to process it.
Sending love x

I’m so sorry to hear your sadness. Try not to be too hard on yourself- you did the right thing at the time with the information you had. Your husband was unhappy and your friends wanted to help. Give it time and if it doesn’t heal speak to your husband about a 3rd- there’s always hope in the future. But don’t be too hard on yourself im sure you were under a lot of pressure and hormones don’t make things easier ❤️

Hi all I just found out I’m pregnant again I have two children already and I had a surgical abortion 3 years ago when my youngest was a baby as it wasn’t the right time I previously had a very traumatic birth on my last we’re I was battled PTSD so we just weren’t ready however I never ruled out more children but I genuinely didn’t think it wud happen wasn’t planned this time an I’m quiet shocked I don’t know if it’s the right time again they heartbreak I have still haunts me over that abortion 3yrs ago I always think “what if” am I can’t believe I’m contemplating it again I really don’t know what to do one hand im late 30s an may never get another chance but also the thoughts of night feeds financial burden when out of work again scares me I just don’t know what to do but I regretted my abortion but at the same time I knew at the time it was for the best.

@Hope202418 So sorry for the delayed response. Thank you for taking the time to reply, did you end up getting counselling??

I had counselling for birth trauma with my first but it didn’t really help.

My husband actually came around to the idea of a 3rd but then changed his mind again and has now said it’s a definite no and he’s getting the snip. I feel like I’m back to day one grieving again, he gave me hope and snatched it away. I can’t describe the heartbreak of being unable to go back and undo what I did

i’m so grateful for my 2 DC I already have but I can’t get over what’s happened 😭

and as for my husband there’s no compromise or inbetween for either of us it’s horrible

you are right though about this forum, it’s sad others have been in the same situation to understand how I’m feeling but comforting in a way.

I hope you are healing ❤️‍🩹

@BeCandidOP hi lovely I’m sorry for the slow reply, how are you feeling now? I hope you are feeling at least a little better ❤️‍🩹

Unfortunately I know that feeling too well, I go over the days leading up to the procedure and would do anything to go back and stop myself. I’ve lashed out at those close to me and I just feel so alone right now. It’s truly awful.

Have you tried any counselling or anything?

sending lots of love xx

@Northerngal02 Thank you for your kind words 🩷

I’m so glad to hear you are healing ❤️‍🩹 can I ask if you had any counselling or anything that helped your healing process?

I’m still no further forwards, in fact I’m worse than before and it’s affecting my home life, my marriage, work, everything 😔

@Sw102938 Thank you 🩷

Things did seem to get better, my husband agreed to try for a 3rd but then he’s changed his mind again to a definite no and says he’s definitely booking a vasectomy, I feel back to square one again 💔

@Janesay20 Hi lovely, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation again. Are you any further forward with a decision?

sending love x

@NotMyselfEntirely I’m so sorry you are going through this too, I have no words of wisdom but I hope it gives you a little comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone 🩷

Is there any possibility in you trying again?
Not that it replaces anything but it was the only thing that gave me a little hope and made me feel a tiny bit better. Although I have no chance of that now myself 💔

Just thought I’d post a little update seeing as we are one year on. It’s crazy how much can change in the space a year. I’m now sat here with my beautiful 6 week old baby, he is my little miracle 🩷

@OneLoudAmberFox congratulations hun I'm so incredibly happy for you . I love hearing when women keep the baby or go on to have another baby. I hope you're doing okay. I'm 2 years in may since I had a termination and now 39 . Still single but dating someone 4 months but not sure if it has potential . Praying my baby comes back to me really soon so I can too post like you holding my little miracle . Trying so hard not to get scared that it may never happen and I lost the only chance I had of becoming a mother . U hope god always watch's over you and your little miriacle and your whole family. Godbless you xxx

@OneLoudAmberFox Oh my gosh congrats! I saw your post and wanted to comment, as a year ago I spent a lot of time on here in the depths of a depression over the termination of my much wanted IVF pregnancy (complex story involving finding out about husband’s infidelity, after years of fertility treatment and miscarriages and already being in my mid 30s). The trauma from everything was immense. While my marriage is still a work in progress and I don’t know where it will go, I am currently sitting next to my 4 week old daughter, and she is the silver lining in all of this. Seeing her has once again made me very emotional about both my miscarriages and my termination that I never wanted. But she is my little miracle.

I hope the arrival of your baby has helped at least partially heal the wound in your heart.