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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Completely torn over unexpected baby

6 replies

EmmaRH · 11/01/2025 08:19

Hi all,

Would really appreciate some help / advice / reassurance here. I’m in my mid thirties, my fiance is in his mid forties. We have a 21 month old daughter, and he has two older children 9 and 12 who we have 50% of the time. We have fallen unexpectedly pregnant (around 5 weeks along), completely unplanned and are at odds over what to do. We always discussed just having one child together as we also have the older two. Eventually I was content with this. Now I’m pregnant. After days of mental agony I am pretty sure I want to keep it and give it a go, even though logistically it would be very tough for us. We are very stretched financially with the three of them, although still able to provide hobbies, clubs, couple of UK getaways a year, but with a fourth things would be very tight. My partner’s parents live nearby but are too old to properly support us, however, my mum has said she will move back from abroad to help us with childcare a day or two a week if we decide to keep the baby. My partner is very practical and doesn’t want to keep it for three main reasons 1) his age 2) finances 3) effect on the other three kids (two would have to share a bedroom).

I completely get his reasons and I do feel the same, however I really think we could make it work with some adaptations. I am being led by my heart and my heart is telling me to go for it but I don’t want to force him down this route so I’m very stuck. Being a mum is exhausting and stressful but I absolutely adore being my daughter’s mummy and love the dynamic with the step kids too.

what do I do? Either regarding the decision or how I discuss with my partner?

thanks all.

OP posts:
SilverScales · 11/01/2025 18:40

Hello Emma, from what you're saying, it sounds like you are willing to accept another child into your family. I think it could be a very good thing! With your partner's older children being SO MUCH older, your almost-two-year-old would be growing up as a variety of only child (when she's eight they'll be 15 and 18, and will have very little in common going on at those stages). Having another little one means they will be able to be playmates and much more involved in each others lives. I had to share a room with a sibling while growing up and it wasn't a big deal. These days, it feels as if children don't need as much room, as books, videos and games all turn digital and take up far less space. You also have to examine your feelings on abortion, and how you think that would impact you. Many grieve the loss and spend years wondering what could have been, especially when they had the means to support another. And the two of you are at ages where many are becoming first-time parents. I think you should talk to your partner, tell him how you really feel, and that you want to give this child a chance. If it helps, you can talk about the possibility of him getting a vasectomy to ensure that there are no more unexpected pregnancies for the two of you. Maybe that would make him feel a little more control over the future. Whatever you decide, don't abort unless you are 100% sure it is what YOU WANT, not because anyone else is nudging you toward that. It's lovely that your mother has offered to help as well, it sounds like she is ready to shower another little one with love. Sometimes the best things in life are not what we planned, and I hope that you can make this work out. I'll be thinking about you!

Original poster
EmmaRH · 12/01/2025 16:46

@SilverScales thank you so much for your kind words. Really means a lot xx

OP posts:
Saskia2023 · 12/01/2025 21:46

please listen to your heart- its easier for men as they dont have the hormones. i was too focused on the practical and didn't give enough thought to the emotional. it sounds like you can make it work for example the first year or so they can be in your room and finances can change. i was so worried about finances then a few days after my termination we won some money and would have been fine! i please access some counselling if you need to to help you process it x

onceuponatimelived · 14/01/2025 01:03

SilverScales · 11/01/2025 18:40

Hello Emma, from what you're saying, it sounds like you are willing to accept another child into your family. I think it could be a very good thing! With your partner's older children being SO MUCH older, your almost-two-year-old would be growing up as a variety of only child (when she's eight they'll be 15 and 18, and will have very little in common going on at those stages). Having another little one means they will be able to be playmates and much more involved in each others lives. I had to share a room with a sibling while growing up and it wasn't a big deal. These days, it feels as if children don't need as much room, as books, videos and games all turn digital and take up far less space. You also have to examine your feelings on abortion, and how you think that would impact you. Many grieve the loss and spend years wondering what could have been, especially when they had the means to support another. And the two of you are at ages where many are becoming first-time parents. I think you should talk to your partner, tell him how you really feel, and that you want to give this child a chance. If it helps, you can talk about the possibility of him getting a vasectomy to ensure that there are no more unexpected pregnancies for the two of you. Maybe that would make him feel a little more control over the future. Whatever you decide, don't abort unless you are 100% sure it is what YOU WANT, not because anyone else is nudging you toward that. It's lovely that your mother has offered to help as well, it sounds like she is ready to shower another little one with love. Sometimes the best things in life are not what we planned, and I hope that you can make this work out. I'll be thinking about you!

Great advice here! It seems to me you do want this baby and you will only live to regret a termination if you do it for the acceptance of your husband.

Do what is right for you and your baby. Always follow your heart and the rest will work itself out 💐

SilverScales · 14/01/2025 15:47

Nice hearing back from you Emma! Have you been able to bring this up with your partner yet? I hope he is being open minded and that your wishes and feelings will be important to him. You are the one who will most directly have to live with the choice that is made, so he should be prioritizing what you want here. Stay strong as this is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make!

Original poster
EmmaRH · 15/01/2025 11:20

@SilverScales it’s been very up and down. Mostly down for him. I’ve made the decision I want to continue with the pregnancy and although he said all the right things - that he’ll stand by me, support me, love me and our child unconditionally etc, he has since been very very cold towards me, grumpy, and basically ignoring me. I’m starting to feel quite alone and upset to be honest. I know he’s finding it hard to take and I completely understand his fears but I really expected a slightly better and more mature reaction to be honest. Not sure what to do from here other than give him his space and hope he comes around. He has stated he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and needs the time to process it alone.

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