Before I begin I must say that this wasn't an easy choice for me. Not that I believe it is for anybody but I had an exceptionally hard time deciding to the point where I delayed treatment for another 7 days after the scan, consultation and medicine appointment (at the same time) in the BPAS Clinic.
My back story is I found out I was pregnant, the day of my missed period to a guy I had been seeing less than 2 months from an online dating app. I had gotten out of a 12 year relationship (same sex) 2 years ago and already have a 3 year old child. This was my first experience of dating as a 32 year old. The guy turned out to be a liar (even down to lying about being STD tested) who struggled with addiction (I myself am sober) and was extremely unreliable and inconsistent. I had actually ended things on the Monday and found out 15 days later I was pregnant. His reaction was mixed but as per usual he was only thinking about himself.
I myself have PCOS and struggled to conceive my first son so was extremely surprised to find myself pregnant after unprotected sex twice. Yes, I know that's how it happens but I was trying for over a year for my DC and had been approved for IVF medically. So of course, finding out with such a knowledge of "babies" and conceiving in general and the stages of pregnancy, I was very much in two minds about what to do. I was already attached.
17 days after finding out (at 6 weeks exactly) and after multiple discussions with a very unsupportive family (I receive little to no help now with my toddler) and a man who took no responsibility for his actions, I decided that, as a good Mum, I would terminate. I would not be letting any child of mine grow up standing at the door upset that daddy didn't show up, again, or feeling resentful of their sibling who has parents who co-parent exceptionally well, like friends. At very few points did my feelings come into consideration (as I wanted to keep it, selfishly) but because I had a turbulent childhood I know that love is just not enough. It broke my heart thinking of them growing up not feeling enough or questioning their worth/existence. I did not take this decision lightly for a second - I was always prioritising the future of a hypothetical human and my first born.
EXPERIENCE
I was, naturally, terrified. I took the first medication Thursday evening at 10.30pm and knocked myself out with some drowsy antihistamines. I woke up the next day and although it's advisable to leave it 24 hours, I had arranged childcare and inserted the next 4 vaginally at 11.30am. Prior, I had a shower, made myself a sandwich and put some snacks in a bag and got my bedroom set up to try make the experience as easy as possible (water, phone charger, laptop etc.). I also had two ibuprofen and two cocodomal at the same time. I laid down after inserting and 4 hours went by and nothing. I rang the BPAS care line after 2 to make sure everything was okay (as experiences I had read, things seemed to begin quite quickly) and they said it was fine. During those hours I made sure I drank lots, ate and stayed in bed listening to the radio, I even took a nap. After 4 hours 10 minutes I started to bleed. The first bit came out onto my pad like a jelly clot which was a little surprising but I was slightly relieved it was beginning by that point. I'd had enough of being upstairs so went downstairs and laid on the sofa.
Things started to ramp up about 2 hours into the bleeding. During these 2 hours I'd say the bleeding was like a heavy period and bright red. I had some more cocodomal and ibuprofen and asked someone to bring me a hot water bottle (I was home alone). I had a phase of feeling very cold/a little shakey but the water bottle helped. I also had a Chinese delivered and was trying to eat little bits throughout this. Pain wise, I would say I had my teeth gritted trying to watch telly at one point, I'd say quite severe period cramps for about 20 minutes, however I now know that's because the pregnancy was passing. I went for a wee not long after (I was worried as I hadn't been since 11.30am and it was now 6pm ish) and I made the fatal mistake of looking at the toilet paper, where, unfortunately I saw the grey tissue which I assume was the pregnancy. I wouldn't recommend doing this. There wasn't much to see but it wasn't pleasant. That being said, I had to try reframe things and think the worst was over. Afterwards, I went back downstairs and had cramps, less severe, until I went to bed at 10.30pm where I slept on a towel I didn't need.
This morning I have woken up tired and bleeding like the first day of your period. I have no pain, no discomfort and my toddler is home (10am). It's never going to be a "good" expeirence but what I think is important to remember is that you need to focus on staying physically as well as possible throughout and know you can process the emotions after. I was obviously worried, again as I was home alone, so I kept my door unlocked, family knew what was happening, I ensured I drank plenty of water, ate, wore comfortable clothes whilst having blankets near and I wasn't a martyr about pain relief - you need to look after yourself and not wait to find out much it "could" hurt. All in all I want to reiterate that as much of a traumatic event it is, the actual process of the termination itself wasn't as bad or painful as I anticipated in my mind. Of course it's going to take a while to work through everything in my head but I stand by that what I've done is the best, regardless of how difficult of a decision it's been to make. Needless to say I will ensure I NEVER find myself in these circumstances again.
I really hope this helps someone, anybody at all and if anyone would like to message or ask anything I'd be more than happy to respond.