It’s a long one, sorry!!!
I found out 10th October I was pregnant.
I have an underlying blood clotting disorder, which we don’t know ‘what’ yet as still testing.
I had a chronic (long lasting) DVT in 2020 untill June this year. I was then stented in my left iliac vein, as my symptoms were getting really bad. I also had my IVC ballooned as it was too narrow for the blood flow. So much pain I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I have 4 children already- DD1 15, Ds1 12, DD2 11 & Ds 9.
I have never wanted anymore children. After my first stent, I was put on clexane 100mg 2x a day. At my 2 week stent surveillance scan on a Friday, it was found that both my left and right iliacs had clotted entirely. I then had to go back on the Monday as an emergency and have thrombolysis treatment, which involved them threading catheter wires up into my veins via back of my knees, and have the direct clot busting drugs to disperse/dissolve them. I was hooked to it for over 2 days in hospital unable to even bend my legs. I’m 35 for ref. It was awful, having to have nurses do bedpans for me etc was so humiliating and degrading.
on the Thursday I went down for the rest of remaining clot to be removed and stents in my right iliac. My IVC had shrunk back to previous measurements, and when my consultant tried to balloon it again, it ruptured which meant I had to then have a solid arterial stent put into that to seal the hole, as I was bleeding out on the table. I almost died.
it has been a long, long recovery. I am worse now than ever before, my pain levels are through the roof, I’m upto my eyeballs on medications for pain- but there were never any guarantees. It was my only option & my left has already clotted again entirely.
on 10th October I found I was pregnant. For my health reasons, I just couldn’t have a baby. I called BPAS the same day. They referred me to my local gynaecology hospital, and on Wednesday 13th I had a surgical termination and the copper coil inserted.
I have dealt with so much this year, I am struggling. I have family, but I don’t feel I can really talk to any of them. I’m having awful cramps and I just keep telling myself that it’s my karma for what I’ve done. I can’t even kill an ant, and knowing it had a heartbeat and was 8weeks along at minimum- I honestly feel like the cruelest, most awful person in this earth right now. I haven’t cried because I can’t cry in front of the kids or people that are around me when they’re not there.
in a way I’m even wishing that the baby has been missed and left there and I can just carry on and in a few months time I have a baby.
I know realistically I couldn’t handle another pregnant/birth or even look after a baby. My heart just hurts so much 😢 everywhere I go it’s baby’s- everywhere!! My closest person is my sister. She’s pregnant. Everything I watch ON TV is babies/pregancy. I just feel like I’m drowning and I can’t come up.
please tell me this is normal, or do I need to seek help? It’s only early days so I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and I’m hoping it’ll pass once my hormones have also settled a bit. I just can’t shake the guilt 😩ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
sorry for the essay. It has been a hell of a year 😔 thank you for read this far xx