I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant. I already have a 3 year old and 1 year old, I took the morning after pill but it did not work. I am still in total shock.
I have booked a consultation with a termination clinic tomorrow. I know it is the right thing to do. I have only recently moved into a 2 bed house after us all sharing one room for a long time. There is absolutely no chance of me being able to get a 3 bed. I can't afford another child, things are really tight as it is. My 3 year old is undergoing an autism assessment at the moment and is really really challenging, I already feel like I'm not giving my toddler enough attention at all. There's a long list of reasons why this just is not a good idea. And selfishly I don't think I'd cope mentally, I've only just started having some independence and getting myself back again and learning who I am, I've lost a lot of weight and I'm really enjoying going to the gym etc.
But I just feel so bloody guilty. I know it's my body and my choice and I am so pro-terminations for all women so why do I feel like I shouldn't be ending a life? And I know it's just cells but I look at my lovely children and think they were cells once too and they're both lovely kids now and I don't know how I'm ever going to forgive myself for doing this.
I know it's probably just hormones talking and I'm still in shock as I only found at yesterday. All day today I've just been thinking I want this over and done with and to forget it ever happened but this evening I am just overcome with guilt.