Termination of wanted 3rd pregnancy

[apintofwine]

Not sure where to turn with this so hoping someone here can offer some wise words.

I have two children, 6 and 3, but have always pictured myself having three. My husband wasn’t keen (but not dead against it) so I ignored the urge.

Ive been thinking about it all year and recently brought it up with him again because if we were to have a 3rd I didn’t want a big age gap. We tentatively agreed that if nothing happened then we’d put the idea to bed by the end of the year.

Well I’m pregnant. We caught first time with our first two, so not sure why I thought this would be any different!

Despite being the one wanting the third, all week in the run up to the test I was praying my period would come, or test would be negative. I just felt panic when I saw the two lines. All I can think about is whether we can afford another maternity, nursery fees, that my career will stall, we won’t get as much family help this time, the 1on1 time that I’ll take from my two children.

My first two were v big babies (>11lb) and c sections, so I worry that it’s such a big risk.

How can I have been so reckless??

I’ve had a consultation and the tablets for a medical termination are on the way, but now I’m wavering thinking how can I end a pregnancy when I’ve always wanted three?

I know no one has the answer except us (my husband has the same worries but wouldn’t pressure me) but any comforting words/similar stories might help!

I could have written this. I had exactly the same situation in December. Planned and always wanted 3. From falling first time to being more keen than husband. The dread I had in the couple of days before that positive test was unreal. My mood changed from roughly a week before the positive test, I felt in a bad place and when those two lines showed up it felt like a death sentence. I truely could only see bad and catastrophised that I’d ruined my kids’ lives. It was awful. It felt like it was either termination or suicide - the feelings were so strong & I was so sure we’d got it wrong. I knew I was suffering peri natal depression but I didn’t know I had peri natal anxiety. The hormonal impact was totally skewing my view on everything. I’d never had that situation in prior pregnancies and I’d never so much as suffered post natal depression so at the time I was totally dumbstruck. I had no idea what was going on and truely believed that what I was feeling was real. I terminated that pregnancy in January (I’m a big supporter of our nhs but sadly I can honestly say that the help I received from them was non existent despite me begging for help). For the rest of that month I felt ok but had a lot of questions. As soon as my next cycle hit I was absolutely destroyed. I’ve never felt like that in my entire life, I couldn’t believe what I’d done and what we’d lost. I could barely look my own children in the eye. Anyway… I’ve had a lot of help since then, I have medication and I have psychology input which has helped me understand what on earth happened to me in December and understand those intense feelings. I’m now 11 weeks pregnant and very happy. I feel those hormonal surges and the anxiety they incite but I understand them now instead of being blindsided.
I think that #3 can be a scary concept, a change in dynamic. These feeling seem to be common with 3rd pregnancies (there’s story after story of it on here) & I am still pro choice despite what I’ve been through but don’t underestimate the impact of your hormones. Try and think of what was in your heart before pregnancy to think of what you truely want, what your values were and what you have in your hands that show how you can manage - be that support from relatives or your ability to be a good Mum.

I just wanted to come on and offer a hug. I truly understand the worries and emotions you are feeling. I fell unexpectedly pregnant almost 3 years ago after having our DD 7 years previously via IVF. We were just getting back to normal after lockdowns etc and I just completely panicked about my health, physical and mental as I'd suffered a lot during the pandemic and about the impact of everything and the changes to our family. I terminated and to this day regret it with a grief and pain I've never experienced before. That's not to say it wasn't the right decision at the time, but now looking back I believe we would've been fine. Take your time and sit with the decision a bit longer, be kind to yourself x

@Poster57 your post has rung so true with me. Can I ask what medication and psychologic help you have had? I know I need peri natal counselling, I've convinced myself if I get pregnant again it's going to end badly. I'm 43 and technically on the 'high risk' side of maternal age. It's heartbreaking. I want another but im just terrified of pregnancy and birth.

@Alwayssomething14 very good advice for @apintofwine to take their time. I think these things feel so time sensitive and panicked. Not rushing into anything is so important.

I take an antidepressant that helps counteract the impact the progesterone has & I’ve been having emdr treatment. Like you I’ve been totally traumatised by a prior HG pregnancy and 2 traumatic births. Pregnancy is a scary thought but I big part of moving forward was to make the decision to ride that wave and take it one day at a time

@Alwayssomething14 @Poster57 thank you both so much for your thoughtful responses. And I wish you both the best of luck with your pregnancies (current and potential future!)

I am taking some time to sit with the decision as advised and feel calmer already. I am trying not to be hard on myself, but wow I never thought I would be in this position

@apintofwine I'm so glad you’re feeling a bit calmer already. It’s such a shock being hit with these feelings isn’t it. Keep being kind to yourself - sometimes our minds are trying to protect us from a threat that isn’t really there & we can’t help that but we don’t necessarily need to listen :)

You know where we are if you need to reach out :)

How are you doing @apintofwine I feel similarly and struggling. I hope you are feeling better