Surgical abortion grief

[Lovi96xO]

Hi all.

I'm writing here in hope for some support from anyone who knows what I am experiencing because right now, I feel so alone on my feelings. :(
On Friday 11th October I went through with a surgical termination of my baby, I was 15 week and 5 days along, I fell pregnant unexpectedly after being with my partner of 4 years and both of us have children to previous relationships. At first we became excited and even booked a few scans to see baby grow. Then my partner seem to go into a deep depression where he was worried over our finances and he was becoming distant to me, I sat him down and asked if he wanted us to have this baby still and he said he wasn't sure if it would have an impact on his mental health. I love him alot as I know i would of loved our baby, but we sat and talked and he made me realise this isn't the right time to have a baby. Regardless of having reasoning to end the pregnancy, after going through with it I have done NOTHING but cry, I am in a desperate state of grief and it's all very overwhelming when I really cannot breathe because emotionally, I am in so much emotional pain I can't put it into words. I keep talking to my scan photos and telling baby I am so sorry. I don't know if I will ever get past this feeling or if I will ever be the same again. I can't come to terms with what I have done? How can I do this to a baby I know I loved. It hurts. 😢😭 my partner has been supportive since, but now I feel like it's going to take its toll on my mental health now aswell something I didn't really think of at the time. I am so guilty and sad 😔 someone please tell me it gets better. Xx

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice, but wanted to give you a virtual hug. Ive come on here this morning to post the same thread but I'm 2.5 years post termination and still really struggling. I was 9 weeks and 4 days. We have one daughter via IVF and it was a surprise pregnancy. My mental health really took a nose dive during covid, we were still in the phase of boosters for all, bad news and I just completely panicked. My husband convinced me that a termination was the best decision for all of us and mostly our daughter who needed her mummy healthy and happy. I had several opportunities to not go through with it, and I torture myself daily thinking why didn't I change my mind. I was almost 41, I convinced myself I was also too old. I'm now 43.5 and we lost a pregnancy 9 months later due to severe abnormalities, it felt like a punishment.

I hope you find a way through your pain and grief. I'm sure you will find a way to live with it. We've had lovely fun filled times since don't get me wrong, it's not all been doom and gloom but I fear it's a regret and grief I will always live with. I can't see myself ever forgiving myself unfortunately. I'm considering TTC, but I fear it's for all the wrong reasons as it'll never bring back the life I terminated and at my age now it's not likely to be without bumps in the road. My husband is really losing his patience with me. He has no regrets because he was worried that the pregnancy would've ended badly due to my mental health at the time. I wish I didnt suffer anxiety, I hate myself for not being stronger.

Please also remember you had your reasons and they are right for this moment in time and really that's all we have. I do remind myself in my low moments that I was in a bad state, we also had plans for a home renovation which would've had to go on hold or not at all until at time when finances were better. Sometimes its just not the right time. That's why we are given these choices. You are strong and brave and you have considered everyone in your decision. Be kind to yourself as I need to be ! 💐

@Lovi96xO i am so sorry you are going through this. i had a medical abortion on the 25th of August which left me with retained tissue and I had surgical management on the 3rd of October to finally resolve it. I still feel guilt and regret over my decision but as the hormones have left me it is becoming something that is getting easier as the days pass. Just try to remember you had your reasons, someone on here told me “we make the wrong decisions for the right reasons” and iv been trying to hold on to this during my bad moments.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I had the same experience some years ago now, when I had my surgical termination. I felt after mine exactly how you have described you feel right now and I'm sending you so much love. I truly know the emotional pain you feel after an experience like this and I just want you to know that you're not alone. If you need somebody to talk to, please feel free to message me on here. Be kind and gentle to yourself, you didn't make this decision lightly and you only did what you felt was best for everyone you love. Remember your hormones are probably all over the place at the moment and it's very early days. It gets better, I promise💐

Hi @Lovi96xO, just wondering how you are? Much better I hope 🙏🏼😊 sending well wishes