Not telling DP about the abortion, will this haunt me for the rest of my life?

[Moonshinemama]

The past week has been extremely difficult for me and I just would appreciate some support and advice.

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again( I have a 10 month old) and I’m in a state of a shock and despair. I love my children so much ( I also have an 11 year old) but I am 38 and being a mom for the second time recently has been a lovely experience ( and very much plane and wanted, we’ve been trying for a long time). Never in a million year I would think I could fall pregnant again and so quickly! I simply cannot imagine going through this again so soon and I do not see myself as a double stroller mum at all! ( no offence to double stroller mums! I just simply feel too old and tired! ) The thought of being pregnant again and doing another year of night feeds, etc. is simply gut wrenching. So I have made a very difficult decision not to have this baby and I have a scan booked tomorrow followed by the tablets hopefully. I figured out that the best way of dealing with it is if I just pre eye it never happened and by not telling anyone about this it will be easier for me to erase this memory.

Another reason why I don’t want to tell my DP is because it think he would very much welcome the idea and would actually like to ah e another child. I actually heard them both ( my eldest child and my partner) talking about it few days ago, saying how nice it would be to have another sibling for my youngest etc.) which was heartbreaking as I already knew about my situation.
I have decided that if I’m going through with this I will never have any more children.
I just worry about my mental health following the procedure and the guilt I will probably feel for not telling my DP. Will I be able to keep this dark secret forever and not feel terrible about it for the rest of my life?
Has anyone here been in a similar situation and not told their partners?

Thanks in advance xx

I doubt you'll be able to keep it a secret. It's not an easy experience. I regretted it within days and 2.5 years on I'm not over it. DD was 7 at the time and we convinced ourselves starting again at our ages was out of the question. My MH was in tatters aswell and I truly believed I wouldn't cope or would die, extreme I know but this was the state of my MH at the time. So for that reason it was the right decision but I deeply regret not seeking the right support and advice instead of listening to my fears.
My advice would be sit with it for a little longer, don't rush a decision. Talking it through with someone may help, I don't think keeping it from your partner is a good idea though. It'll eat you up over time and if it came out at a later date it'd be so much worse.

Thank You for sharing your experience with me. It seems to me that women who have children already find it that little bit more difficult to go through it and there is a higher possibility of regret. I’m sorry to hear that you’re still struggling with your decision , I’m sure many of us mothers do and will.
It is so hard- part of me thinks- just do it, don’t tell anyone and it will be forgotten forever and the other part is worried about how I will feel about myself afterwards and what if my partner would ever find out? It would break his heart. At the same time I honestly can not imagine doing it again so soon, I just started getting my life back again and enjoying time out, going out, socialising etc. And all of a sudden why I will be taken away from me and next time I’m free again I’ll be well into my forties. It’s probably extremely selfish way of looking at things but I’m just trying to protect myself from misery…however it could totally backfire and I might end up miserable because if my decision.