Sat on the fence!!! 50/50 Abortion v Keep! Any advice!?

[Skye1993]

Sorry this is going to be a very long post and I understand there are going to be haters but I’m hoping just putting it out there and getting it off my chest will help me feel less alone and some sort of peace I guess. Please reach out if you’ve been in a similar situation as I feel like I’m literally the only person and still can’t believe I’m in this situation tbh!

I really need help!!! I’ve been sat on the fence for months. I honestly feel like I could go either way and make it work, well I guess I don’t really have the option as I’m going to have to make a decision. I’m the most indecisive person in the world anyway. I honestly feel like I want to go through with terminating and as appointments approach I just can’t sleep, get really emotional and back out. My partner even rallied me 7 hours to London and I couldn’t do it so we drove all the way home! Last appointment he rallied me 2 hours and I got that anxious and emotional I was vomiting in the car on the way, it’s been torturous! I’ve had 3 bands cut off me now so I can escape. But I’m thinking that’s probably because it’s the easier option at the time when I’m so mentally drained? Something just tells me it’s wrong.
I never, ever thought I’d be in this position but here I am writing this on a plane back from holiday.
I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks. 1 massive slip up with my long term partner of roughly 12 years. That for one has made me feel has it happened for a reason!? something I truly believe in. Me and my partner love to travel, we’ve been living in Australia for the last 8 years and have just come back to the UK in March. We planned on travelling some other countries and were going to use the UK as a base. Both of us never wanted kids, we’re 31 & 32 now and it’s never been on the cards, not even a thought. My partner literally cannot stand to even look at them or be around them or pregnant stomaches and has been talking about getting the snip. He is desperate for me to terminate but says he obviously can’t make the choice, he basically said he’s sat in limbo wondering if his life is going to be ruined and also thinks I’m making a massive mistake if I keep it as I’ve never wanted a child either! I don’t know if it’s hormones or what!?
I told my best friend straight away. I remember saying I know i need to make a decision and terminate asap as I thought it was cruel to let the pregnancy progress when I had no intention of keeping it and here I am at 22 weeks pregnant. Traumatised. I’ve never felt so sad and heartbroken in my life. I’ve had an appointment booked almost every week since I found out to proceed with termination yet I haven’t managed to go through with any. At the start I was contemplating tablets but after reading into it, the thought of passing the tissue at home and seeing it was something I couldn’t deal with. I then opted for the surgical route, this was something I was sure on. I kept getting close to appointments, getting really emotional and rescheduling for the following week. I just wanted to avoid having to go through with it. I’ve had a few counselling phone calls to try and come to terms with my decision but I’ve just been going around in circles and torturing myself every day and cannot decide what to do! I’m ready to terminate and then I start thinking but what if I regret it? What would it of looked like…? And when they ask am I 100%, well how can anyone be 100%!? I’m honestly 50/50!

I don’t want a child but I feel so evil getting rid of something I should be protecting. How can I even do that and look my family in the eye again!? I feel i could give it such a good life but it’s not what I want. I have no idea where it leaves me and my partner as he doesn’t want anything to do with it, yet says he still wants to be with me. He talks about all our travel plans like this isn’t even happening. I feel like we’re just completely avoiding the elephant in the room.

But I have my final possible appointment next week. I’ll be 23 weeks so it’s my last chance, unless I’m actually going to be having a baby. Shit! That in itself scares me sooo much and I really don’t want it to be real, yet I’m so terrified of the grief and guilt that will happen if I go through with the appointment. I really wish I could make peace with a decision!

I’m really sorry it’s your choice but the baby is fully formed ect almost 23 weeks you should have made the decision before now maybe where you have changed your mind a few times you might actually want the baby there is always adoption but a termination at this stage should be a no but it’s your decision

Thankyou for reading and replying, I appreciate it.
I agree, I’m really annoyed at myself and my partners annoyed at me for not going through with it earlier. I nearly went through with my appointment at 13 weeks and then a few weeks later and then again 2 weeks ago but I just keep getting really overwhelmed and end up talking to the midwifes about my feelings and they’ve told me to take time and think and reschedule as I have to be 100% and that gives me such relief of escaping from it all until the next appointment came around. It’s definitely in my nature anyway to push things back if I don’t want to do them and I honestly can’t believe I’ve let it get this far.
My partner thinks I’m just leaving it until the decisions made for me, but then I have the realisation of the other scenario and giving birth and think oh my god I just want all of this to be over. Even though I know nothing will ever be the same again. I feel so guilty that I’ll ‘ruin’ my partners life and can I really have a child that neither parents want!? I also feel so guilty that I’m even contemplating going through with a termination. I look at other kids and think how nightmarish they look, just hoping I’d feel different towards my own.
I feel like even at 4 weeks when I found out I’ve struggled with the concept that I’m responsible for getting rid of my own child. Everyone else in the waiting room at the appointments seemed so at ease and I’ve just been an emotional mess.
Ive ruled out adoption for sure. There’s no way I could go through childbirth and then give it away. I think I could give it a really good life and I do have a lot of support around me, I just don’t really want that life but maybe I’ll feel different when it comes along. We also don’t even have a home in the UK so I’d have to find a house here, well I would I guess as my partner doesn’t want to be in the same vicinity as a child.

I know it’s hard but I’m sure you will be a great mum and if that’s what you decide you and your partner will have to discuss it more and you can always do it on your own with the support you have

I really feel for you and the torment you have experienced but I personally think a termination at this stage would stay with you for the rest of your life. I had one at 9 weeks and I was certain it was the right decision at the time, my mum said to me as long as you can put your head on your pillow at night and know it was the right decision then all will be ok. 2 years on I regret it immensely and I don't put my head down at night at peace with my decision. Reading about your struggle and emotions I think you would struggle afterwards too. All the things you are worrying about, a home, travel, relationships, can all still be achieved with a child/family. Yes it will be different and priorities do change but you'll never know love like it honestly.

Is a surgical termination an option at 23 weeks? I had to terminate for medical reasons 8 months after the first one, I was 14 weeks and told I had to deliver our baby. Just consider you may have to do this and see your baby too. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide.

Thankyou, I’d like to hope i will be.
I guess I’ve been a little spoilt with life so far and have been blessed with a good one and it scares me that it has to change. But I’m sure it’d also be amazing to share this beautiful world with my own child. I just hope I can still travel and do things I enjoy, but maybe I’m being naive.
My partners Mum knows and definitely would love another grandchild, I’m just worried aswell that everyone is going to resent my partner for not wanting to be involved. It’s not asif he’s sprung it on me that he doesn’t want a child, he’s tried to change his mind but he’s just completely grossed out by them. I just never envisioned being a mum, never mind a single mum but I guess we never know what the future looks like and I should just feel lucky that I’ve been given this opportunity that many wish for.

Definitely enjoy it yes you can still travel holidays with a baby/ child just slightly different but fun try not to worry about other people and focus on you and the baby I’ve been trying for a baby for 2 years no luck yet good luck you will be an amazing mum 😊

Alwayssomething14
, I’m so sorry you feel that way. I think that’s my worry that I’ll regret it too. My partner said maybe in 3-4 years if I’m feeling the same after ticking off more of our bucket list we could maybe try for a baby but I can’t help but think it’s not the same one and it’s like it’s meant to be a little bit. Also, I really don’t think there’s ever a right time. I’m sure you made the right decision at the time under your circumstances, please don’t beat yourself up over it as it’s such a hard decision, I honestly wouldn’t wish how I’m feeling on anyone. I’m not usually an emotional person but I’ve cried a lot! The midwife’s I’ve spoken to said that a lot more people do tend to regret abortion than they do keeping it.
I really do hope I feel the love you’re talking about as I’m not really into babies and just hope I feel different if it’s my own. I absolutely adore my dog so I’m just hoping I feel the same towards a baby! 😬
Yes, if I went down that path it’d be a surgical termination. They do them up until 23 weeks & 6. It’d be over two days but when I went at 20ish weeks the surgeon sat down and spoke to me and said that it’s actually less harsh doing it over the two days and you spend less time at BPAS. It still sounds very traumatic. But then giving birth scares me so much too!

Tigger1116
Thankyou for your kind words!
Good luck aswell, I’m sure it’ll happen when it’s meant to!

Something is stopping you from aborting, and maybe you should listen to that as it doesn't seem to be what you want, rather what your boyfriend wants.

Babies have survived (and healthily) at your gestation. It's not some conceptual future child still mostly unformed, but a fully formed fetus who just needs to finish off, but whose chances of survival outside the womb grow every day.

Your extreme (and understandable) reaction to nearly going through with it before, your references to escaping, make me think you'll actually be relieved once you hit 24 weeks and it's out of your hands and your boyfriend can't put any more pressure on you. You have an instinct to protect the life inside you and expecting you to act against that isn't fair.

Does you boyfriend know what he is asking if you at this stage? Does he know that your baby can hear your voice, that if it's a girl that it already has the eggs of any future children she may have. That it's not the same as being 6w pregnant? He should be being supportive of you not so pushy.

Ps: travelling with one child is fine. Multiple children and it gets harder.

I was in your position. I deliberated for weeks, kept putting itt making a decision. I had the tablets at home but just couldn't take them.

I'm now 20 weeks and as far as I'm concerned the deadline for terminating has passed. Still not 100% convinced I want a baby, but trying to stay positive!

Oh wow, I’ve been exactly the same! I have the tablets here too but just could never bring myself to taking them. I kept getting myself in such a state when the time came to have them.
I feel you! I’m trying to think of the positives and not all the the time and freedom it’s going to take from me but deep down I don’t want a baby! However I think that’s the way I’m going, as I don’t think I can go through with termination. Surely it can’t be that bad when people choose to do it right? I’m just really hoping I get that feeling of overwhelming love when I see it but I’m not convinced! I wish you all the luck in the world, please stay in touch and keep me updated! You’ll be due Feb too?!

Dinosaurlover
Thankyou for your comment! You’ve given me hope that I can still travel! I’m very determined to do whatever it takes, strap it to me and live life to the fullest. I hope I’m not dreaming!

I’d definitely say I don’t want either option but that’s obviously impossible. Im kind of resenting my partner a little atm coz I said I don’t think I can go through with termination and he thinks I’m making a huge mistake but he can just up and leave and live his life. He’s not the one that has to have the surgery! I don’t want to be responsible for terminating and I don’t want a child. I’m a little screwed! I think I’m swaying towards keeping it and hopefully coming to peace with my decision but then I get upset because it’s not what I want but don’t really see an alternative. I hope I do feel relief at the 24 week mark, I’m just hoping i don’t regret that I no longer have a choice.

I think my partner already believes I can’t go through with the termination, he’s just praying I will. He’s definitely annoyed I didn’t go through with any of my previous appointments ‘like all the other people in the waiting room that will be getting on with life now’…

just to say i know you dont feel brave at present but you have been. as someone who rushed into a termination and had doubts but didnt feel i coul d get off the treadmill for you to keep walking out because you had a seed of doubt is brilliant especially given the pressure you were under. i had a mental breakdown after as society sells it as an easy thing to wipe the slate clean but it isn't- men might be able to but women often cant. if you had had the teriantion to please your partner you may have ended up resenting him and it causing problems anyway (it did with us and i would have given anything to swap him for the baby). its hard when life takes us down paths we dont expect but most people's lives arent fully planned but curve balls!if you love your dog you will have a connection with the baby. and YOUR baby is so different to anyone elses. my husband doesnt like other kids at all but is an amazing dad and adores my child. There is a PANDA helpline which helps people with perinatal mh issues- it might be worth talking to them and helping them to signpost you to support to work through your feelings around having the baby e.g the fear about giving birth etc. message if you need to x

I just stumbled upon this post after searching on Google. I could’ve almost written it myself in my current situation. Just wanted to message the OP and say I hope you are doing okay whatever the outcome, and thank you for making me feel a little less alone in my thoughts right now! Also thank you to the user who recommended the Panda service which I have reached out to. Sending lots of thanks and support

This is the exact same situation I have been in. Coming up to 18 weeks and have had terminations booked in every week, have left

This was me until 23 weeks. I couldn't understand why I was self torturing myself by not making a decision and spending a lot of time in waiting rooms and in and out of clinics. I've started counselling with Choices Charity, highly recommend and I've tried a lot of counsellors in the last 8 weeks. She said it was just what I needed to do and how I needed to deal with it, even if it was painful. I decided to continue the pregnancy but it could've gone either way. I am continuing the counselling to try to make some sense and continue on a positive note, and have been prescribed antidepressants a week ago to control my spiralling thoughts which were out of control. I have to accept that whatever I decide is the right decision and there will be some grief over the path I didn't choose. I'm slowly getting used to the idea as I tell more people about the pregnancy.